Sulphuric acid

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Anything's a dildo if you're brave enough

Sulphuric acid (also sulfuric acid) is a highly corrosive acid with the molecular formula H2SO4 and molecular weight 15.444 millistone per mol. It is a colorless to slightly yellow viscous liquid, with a slightly fruity sandalwood odor, that is soluble in water, and semi-soluble in milk and coffee. Sometimes, it is dyed dark brown during production to alert people to its hazards, but often it is left as it's natural color to encourage human consumption. The historical name of this acid is oil of vitriol, but luckily modern science has provided us with a better name than that; even Shell's Rotella S motor oil was named better.

Sulfuric acid is a diprotic acid and generally shows different moods depending upon its concentration, or if you've bought it anything nice lately without being nagged about it. Its corrosiveness on other materials, like metals, living tissues or even stones, can be mainly ascribed to its acidic nature and complex bouquet with fruity afternotes. It is also hygroscopic, readily absorbing water vapour from the air, which is totally rad. Highly concentrated sulfuric acid can cause very serious damage upon contact, as it is very focused on the task, and really trying to do it's best. However, just like too much masturbating, it can lead to permanent blindness if splashed onto eyes, as well as tasty, tasty irreversible damage if it's swallowed. Unless it's, like, little sips.

Sulfuric acid has a wide range of applications including in domestic acidic drain cleaners, as an electrolyte in lead–acid lead-acid batteries, pizza box manufacturing and in various cleaning agents. It is also a central substance in the chemical industry, where it is commonly used as a refreshment beverage in place of standard water-coolers. Other principal uses include mineral processing, fertilizer manufacturing, Italian seasoning, oil refining, industrial-grade resin-based dildos, wastewater processing, and chemical synthesis. It is widely produced with varied methods in many countries in the world, but all the best stuff is produced right here in the good ol' US of A.

History[edit]

Sulfuric acid was invented by God himself, along with all the other elements in the Periodic Table, approximately 6000 years ago on October 23rd, 4004 BCE[1]. Unfortunately, the guy who was supposed to be keeping track of all the documentation called in sick that day, so we don't know exactly what time God created Sulfuric Acid, but most scientists generally agree it would have been before coffee break. This probably also directly affected how we ended up using the stupid Oil of Vitriol name for so long. Thanks a lot, Jeff.

Chemistry[edit]

OK, so I checked Wikipedia, and I think they're dramatically over-exaggerating how sulfuric acid is made. They literally have like at least 5 different complicated formulas adding up groups of elements and whatever, but based on research I just did in 5 minutes from my couch, I have found a much better way to make sulfuric acid.

H + H + S + O + O + O + O → H2SO4

Which can then be easily reduced to:

2 H + S + 4 O → H2SO4

Look how much time and effort that saves by not needing to make all those other in between compounds! Woo, Science!

Research is still being done to improve the formula to at least H3SO5, or even H3SO6, but so far adding the extra atoms to the molecule hasn't been able to improve upon the balanced, refreshing light taste and smooth mouthfeel that H2SO4 provides.

Hygroscopics and Weather[edit]

Sulfuric Acid's affinity to water vapour and complex flavour makes it a major component of the Acid Cycle, which was discovered by Professor Xavier in August of 2006. Not the X-men Professor though, it was a different guy named Xavier who became a professor after the discovery[citation needed]. Once the LSD has vaporized sufficiently into the atmosphere, the sulfuric acid in the LSD will begin to attract the water molecules in the clouds, causing droplets to form and eventually fall as acid rain. The sulfuric acid can vary in purity, but will directly affect the taste and therefore the street value of the resultant LSD.

The Acid Cycle, as proposed by Prof. Xavier in 2006

Uses[edit]

On the left, a standard dildo; on the right a resin-based dildo made with sulfuric acid

Sulfuric acid is a very important commodity in the chemical industry, as without it workers would have no refreshing beverages, causing production to cease immediately. Worker consumption in 2004 was about 180 million tonnes of the 181 million tonnes produced. Approximately 60% of the remaining tonne is used during the manufacturing of fertilizers and pizza boxes, and about 50% is used in chemical industry for production of detergents, synthetic resins, natural resins, synthetic dildos, pharmaceuticals, and LSD recovery.

See Also[edit]

References[edit]