Sherlock Holmes

The Great Detective, after being frozen in carbonite.

Sherlock Holmes was a famous author and stoner who wrote many mystery novels starring his fictional protagonist, Sir Arthur Conan O'Brien. He is also known for spreading rumours and lies about himself to generate additional hype for upcoming novels. For example, during promotional tours for the novel Sir Arthur Conan O'Barbarian and the Case of the Mysterious Case he claimed he was an astronaut in several important interviews, and even went so far as to fake the landing on the moon just to encourage press coverage. d His greatest achievement was to actually convince the majority of the population that he was a fictional character, in a series of stories, comics and TV movies that were purported to have been written by Sir Arthur Conan Duke of Brittany.

The book Sir Arthur Conan Nado and the Adventure of the Mystery is famous for popularising the use of potatoes in forensic analysis, something now demonstrated in almost every episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

Sherlock Holmes had a public foot fetish, deomstrated by his frequent cries of "The game's a foot!". This is the first known instance of a sexual perversion being exhibited by a public figure. In addition, he as well as his colleagues have a tendency to prematurely ejaculate, reflected in the many chronicles of his escapades.

Sherlock Holmes lives very very happily living in a bachelor's apartment shared by Dr. Watson. They both freely express their foot fetish and tendency to ejaculate whenever a case needs to be solved.

Rumor has it that he eventually married Mary Russell after retiring to become a beekeeper. This is not true and is merely a wishful hope for every fangirl out there since it is clear that Mary Russell is yet another Mary Sue due to being the same age group as fangirls, having equal wits with Holmes, and looking like a complete dork.

Sherlock Holmes was commonly regarded as a hobo; this was shown in the story The Adventure of the Speckled Band, where Holmes is quoted as saying "...For I scavenge off the street daily in search for scrapings of food".

Professor James Moriarty is the sworn nemesis of Sherlock Holmes and has, on occasion, been referred to as the "Crown Prince of Crime". This has come about following a small gambling debt of £14, lost by Professor Moriarty during several hands of canasta.

The Professor always appreciated and respected his old professor, his all time logic/analysis tutor, Dr. Lorena Gonzalez (AKA Muzzy)...

Holmesian Deduction

...or, put simply, "How Sherlock Holmes solves mysteries". During the 19th Century, despite the threats of the Crimean War, the Industrial Revolution and explosive dysentry, Sherlock Holmes came to perfect the analytic technique of assessing available evidence, evaluating likelihoods and the construction of a framework within which the most probable outcome emerges. This can best be observed from the following exchange in "The Mystery of the Dirty Napkin":

Watson: "Oh look, Mr Holmes, a dirty napkin."

Holmes: "Do you know what this means, Watson?"

Watson: "Why, indeed, I do not Mr Holmes."

Holmes: "This means that a female, miniature King Kong from Venezuala 
         with an overbite, and a pet Moa trampled over your son this 
         afternoon at precisely seven minutes past two."

Watson: "Do I have a son?"

Holmes: "Not anymore."

Watson: "Mr Holmes, your intellect astounds me again."

Holmes: "But of course. I shall now return to the cocaine bottle, for
         this was more-or-less acceptable during the late Victorian
         period."

Holmesian Deduction became the basis of the techniques used by modern criminals, as the stories of Sir Arthur Coathanger Drillbit showed exactly how they were likely to be caught. As a result, law enforcement agencies have been required to change their approach and use a whole lot more beating (see 24).

Cryptography

A common theme in the Sir Arthur Culling Donkeys stories was the use of codes to send messages that could not be intercepted. However, the keen intellect of the hero ensured that these messages were ZGVjaXBoZXJlZA== by the end of the YWR2ZW50dXJl. Which was fortunate, because there would have YmVlbg== no more space to carry on after that cG9pbnQ=.

This "signature c3R5bGU=" of Holmes resulted in an active internet fan base trying to c29sdmU= the code before the hero...although this was rather cmVkdW5kYW50 in light of the stories having been written some one hundred years before popular dXNl of the aW50ZXJuZXQ=. Of course, this YXBwcm9hY2ggaXM= now considered c29tZXdoYXQgcGFzc+k= in literary circles and b25seSB0aGUgd29yc3Qga2luZA== b2YgdGFsZW50bGVzcyBoYWNrIHdvdWxk YXR0ZW1wdCBzdWNoIGEgc3R1bnQgbm93YWRheXM.

Drugs he uses

• 7% Cocaine solution
• Pipe tobacco
• Cigar tobacco
• Cigarette tobacco
• Tobacco ash
• Irene Adler's photo
• Dr. Watson
• Dr. Watson's semen
• Oscar Wilde's semen
• Mrs. Hudson
• LSD
• Mushrooms
• Marijuana
• Kittens
• Random crap from his chemistry set his parents bought for him when he was nine
• Scotland Yard
• Dogs
• Summer Glau(duh)

Significant Achievements

Holmes was as keen as a hound...

• Believed by many to be a fictional 19th Century detective, created by Sir Arthur Conan of the Round Table.
• Famous for the catch phrase "It's intermediate, Watson, you imbecile!"
• He also solved a lot of crimes: for example, the one leading to the famous case documented in "Sir Arthur Conan Doily and the Enormous Green Fire-Breathing Lizard".
• Accredited with the discovery of the Elementary System of the Period.
• Developed a method used by elementary school teachers to hammer in the names of the Great Lakes into the heads of pupils, with each letter corresponding to one of the lakes:
  • H - Huron
  • O - Ontario
  • L - Lacrymosa
  • M - Mississippi
  • E - Eglantine
  • S - Steve
• Sherlock Holmes was the true identity of Jack the Ripper and would pretend to be a detective in order to study people before finding the best ways to kill them.
• Father of John Holmes, the late adult entertainment actor who is, in turn, the father of Katie Holmes, a current dead-on-the-inside non-entity.
• Second cousin of Noe Sherlock, who married Jack Schitt and took the name Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
• Holmes is revered in African American culture; young black men often greet one another using the name of the famous detective, typically in the process of asking what, if anything, is up.
• Sherlock Holmes is said to have sworn an eternal vendetta against the League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen after being denied admission. The League spokesman reportedly said, "Sorry, old chap, but we're a bit full at the moment, and we're not kicking Mina out to make room. Again, the fullest of apologies to you."
• He has sued Sir Arthur Conan Doyle von Frankenstein over and illegal use of his name. The main character in Sir Arthur Conan Bodie and Doyle's books is called, of course, Sheerluck Homes.
• When he became bored with the 19th Century, Holmes called on some favours owed to him by Doctor Who and travelled to the 21st Century where he became an actor and played Gil Grissom in CSI.
• Gregory House, the main character of the FOX TV show House MD, is said to be loosely based on Sherlock Holmes..
• To a lesser extent, Sherlock Holmes is also the inspiration for Doogie Howser.
• In 1891, Sherlock Holmes barely survived a murder attempt by Sir Arthur Conehead Doyle, which involved manipulating Professor Moriarty into pushing Holmes down a gorge. Instead, Holmes managed to fling Professor Moriarty into the gorge with the help of some nifty footwork and subsequently forgave Sir Arthur Conan Hello Dolly.
• Astonishingly, despite the obvious joke, Sherlock Holmes never established a side-line as a property developer.
• Sherlock Holmes founded an ivy-league college which is named Sherlock Holmes Institute of Technology.
• He briefly found Madeleine McCann, but forgot all about her as an empty can of Canada Dry rolled by.
• Holms invented the phrase, "No shit, Sherlock!"

Publications

Sherlock Holmes is noted for his prolific literary output, including:

• A Treatise upon Different Kinds of Tobacco Ash
• An Analysis of the Geological Differences of London Earth
• Sir Arthur Colon Doyle and the Adventure of the Crimped Log
• Sherlock Holmes and his Amazing Flying Machine
• No Place Like Holmes!
• The Queer Adventures of Sir Arthur Conan Downtown
• How to Identify Trees From Quite a Long Way Away
• Sir Arthur Conan Daily Mail's Guide to Gingers
• Inside Sherlock Holmes Institute of Technology.
• Sherlock Holmes