Shellac

Steve Albini, circa 1992.

Shellac is a pop group, started no one knows where, in an undisclosed location in the early 90s by ex Bon Jovi member Steve Albini. Steve is a famous record producer, well known for taking his job too seriously, and known for having an over blown ego - he once beat the hell out of a journalist who offended him by calling Steve a "sound engineer". Steve's catchphrase, "Hey Kid; I'm a computer!", caught on like wildfire after he said it in an episode of GI Joe.

Steve as a Producer

Some of his most well known records he produced are:

• Deep Purple's vocalist Tony Iommi "Songs About Flowers"
• The hard christian death industrial folk jazzy metal core band Jesus Lizard "We're not sheeps, we're more like Goats"
• Toe Jam's 1995 release "My Brother The Ticketmaster" which was so good, that cheap stereo systems tended to blow up when this record was played on them, so the legendary, independent Sony Music label decided to hire even more legendary record producer, named Ross Robinson, known for creating bad metal in the 80's, he re-mixed the album. His aproach to recording music is very different from what Steve does, as Ross is not using lots and lots of reverb, and does not tend to over compress music he records, two things Steve always does. Toe Jam's vocalist Scott Crapp (you idiot, that's Creed) later admittet he hates Steve, and was forced by his label to work with him.

History

The identities of other twelve Shellac members remains unknown as they wear giant eye balls on their heads on every public appearence. Urban Legend says these are U2 members and Bono's guitar techs, but who knows. Other folks say at least two of Shellac members work as male strippers in an exclusive Chicago night club Electrical Dildo. Club's security supervisor Greg Norman once revealed their names: Bob Weston and Todd Trainer, but later denied it, saying that he had been drunk and talking nonsense. To this day it's the only known semi-confirmed info on the subject. It was rumored that Shellac's drummer is named Roland, but it turned out to be a name of jazz band Big Black's drummer. The reason why this mistake was made, is Steve was in the past a Big Black groupie, and Roland was his, uhm, favorite member.

Discography

Titles of Shellac full length albums are:

• "Disneyland" released by Universe Muzak on Tuesday the 14th of an unknown year.
• "First track on this album is unlistenable" released by Capitalistic Recordings late at night.
• "Heavy Pain" their master piece, was supposedly released on Steves birthday but no one has ever heard it as all the stores all over the world refused to sell it, it's not known why, but the pig raping a man on the cover may have had something to do with it. It's said the label was Touche, but cause of the reasons stated above, it's hard to say for sure.

None of them were relased on Vinyl as all of Shellac members are digital recording music fanatics, their next album (working title "Intelligent Design Theory is Crap") will be probably available in the mp3 format on iTunes only. According to what Steve says, analog recording is just a waste of time and space, and it sounds bad.

Their latest single is "Ginnyin Lucille Ball" and it is just that Amore song by Dean Martin with samples of some guy saying swears.

In conclusion

Up to this day Shellac remains, along with their fellas Silkworm and Don Caballero, one of world's most famous boy bands. A collection of their MTV hits is going to be released soon on the DIVX format, under the title "We Ballin' For Teh Win: In Yr Studio Engineerin' Ur Doodz"