Scylla & Charybdis
“Oh, that Scylla, you never know who she's gonna devour next!”
Scylla & Charybdis was a popular television situation comedy that aired in ancient Greece from 800 to 600 BC. The show focused on Scylla of Messina, a single six-headed attorney and her best friend Charybdis, a gay interior designer from the Netherworld, both of whom share a small apartment in the affluent part of Ithaca. The episodes generally center around Scylla and Charybdis's struggling love lives, and are usually resolved with either one of them consuming and/or maiming Greek soldiers at sea. The show was produced by Odyssey Home Entertainment, a corporation run by Homer, of course being the very powerful Jew that he was.
The first episode, Hast Thou Circumnavigateth The Perilous Waters Over Yonder Infernal Strait, For Thither Thou Shalt Findeth Only Twofold Strife, Between The Grizzling Jowls of Charybdis, and the Blazing Fury of Scylla, premiered September 29th, 800 BC, and was met with lukewarm reviews, though later on, the show gained popularity with each devouring/maiming of Greek soldiers. The final episode, Yea, the Plight of Scylla and Charybdis Hast Been Difficult, For The Gods Hath Turnéd Their Back On The Pair, And So Endeth The Long Season of Pain Among The Waters of Ithaca, aired May 18th, 600 BC. There was an estimated audience of 180,000 for the last episode, roughly two-thirds of the known world's population at the time, with the exception of Christians and other assorted brown peoples.
Scylla & Charybdis was at first filmed before a live studio audience, though this practice had to be discontinued by the fourth season, as Scylla would often lash out to devour and/or maim audience members.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Scylla and Charybdis's early relationship[edit | edit source]
Back in college at Thrinacia University, Scylla and Charybdis were in fact boyfriend and girlfriend, with Charybdis in denial about his sexuality. Polyphemus, whom Charybdis met at a party, accused him of being gay, as well as of having a dangerous violence-based obsessive-compulsive disorder, and continued to force Charybdis to evaluate this possibility. Seeking help, Charybdis consulted his roommate Tiresias, a blind prophet who had supposedly helped Odysseus come out of the closet a few years ago. He had said to Charybdis: "I see a great ship in your future, of hard wood and throbbing in the sea, and you shall swallow this ship with much vigor, or nay, it shall pull into your harbor." Frightened, confused, and angry (but mostly confused) Charybdis ran away to the Strait of Messina, where he lived for 3000+ years, until one day, he was found out at sea by Scylla, a young eager lawyer who at the time was gathering evidence for one of her trials. Naturally, Charybdis took a liking to Scylla, given her charismatic attitude and six pairs of blood-stained jaws. But mostly, Charybdis just wanted to prove he wasn't gay.
The Poseidon Incident[edit | edit source]
In episode #24, Now Cometh The Lord of Seas and Equestrians, and of the Trembling of the Earth, Brother of the Father of Gods and Men, And So Fallest Scylla and Charybdis In Disgrace, and Yea! did They Devour Many Men, a pivotal point in the plot occurred. Stoked for the big game against Sparta, Scylla invited Charybdis to watch the show with her, and afterwards go back to her cavern. Eager to prove his masculinity and heterosexuality, Charybdis accepted. But when time came, Charybdis could not muster his "valor" so to speak, and angry was his father Poseidon, who smited Charybdis by turning him into a whirlpool. A gay whirlpool. With teeth.
After that, Charybdis came out of the closet and finally began pursuing his life-long dream of becoming an interior designer.
As roommates[edit | edit source]
Soon after Charybdis was transmuted into a whirlpool, Scylla struck up a relationship with Hades, Lord of the Dead, and eventually married him, but in episode #45 discovered Hades had been cheating on his wife Persephone all along, and promptly dumped him, but not before devouring his head. As a result, Scylla was left with no place to stay, and so moved in with Charybdis on a small apartment on an island off the coast of Thrinacia, where all the preps live. They instantly became best friends, and Scylla managed to not decapitate and/or maim Charybdis, despite their various differences. For example, Scylla likes fish and bushmeat, while Charybdis only ate lost sea-going travelers half-dead from scurvy! Oh, the hours of joy.
Relationships[edit | edit source]
Given their numerous differences, such as Charybdis being a whirlpool and Scylla being a six-headed demon fish from the twisted Nether, there was bound to be some conflict in that two-room apartment. Especially when Charybdis brought home his dates. Ever put a whole pack of Mentos and Alka-Seltzer in a toilet, stick a match in the water, then flush it (if you haven't, go try it)? That's what one gay whirlpool sounds like fucking another. Wanting to get back at Charybdis for so many hours of sleep wasted, Scylla dedicated the entire season to pulling insane pranks on Charybdis, like sending out ships loaded with tangerine cider out to sea so Charybdis, who is allergic to tangerines, would swallow it, and die a slow, painful death. Oh man, sitcoms aren't like that anymore...
Reviews[edit | edit source]
Scylla & Charybdis received mixed reviews, with some claiming it was a sheer work of genius and others saying it was "the biggest pile of shit I have ever been forced to watch by that damn screening company." Generally, Scylla & Charybdis was very popular in Greece and even received a good following of fans elsewhere. One critic said:
- "It's the show's intelligent use of social satire, as represented by Scylla's blind desire to kill and dismember all who she sees, that makes me question my own reality, and makes me want to watch more." ~Socrates
Still, Scylla & Charybdis never managed to beat the ratings that The Daily Show with Hermes received. Even worse were the criticisms from people such as Plato and Zeus that Scylla & Charybdis was threatening ancient Greece's integrity. Because oppressing slaves and killing hundreds of cattle at once isn't disturbing enough, you need a show about a gay whirlpool and a homicidal sea monster to kick it up a notch.
Movie[edit | edit source]
As of yet, no movie has been released for Scylla & Charybdis, though rumors of a return--with The Rock playing the role of Scylla--still abound, and Homer has confirmed that filming is underway. Andy Dick was also offered the role of Poseidon, but turned it down when he discovered it would require acting the part of a heterosexual character. Dick will be naturally be playing the role of Charybdis. The movie is scheduled to be released in the summer of 2009, and may or not be:
- "The rockingest movie eveeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr!!!" ~Some fan
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