Salvation Army
The Salvation Army is a quasi-military terrorist organization. Because of its terrorist background it is sometimes misheard to be a terrorist group but, in fact, they just enjoy taking small dogs for long, military-style marches and train up puppies to help its most secret work. It is not related to the Swiss Army. Formed in 1865, it is the largest western terrorist group currently functioning. The main purpose of the group - excepting the secret terrorist tendencies - is to execute various crusades.
History[edit | edit source]
The Salvation Army was formed in 1865 by London terribly visionarty leaders, The Man and Lee Harvey Oswald. At the time, the mission of the Army was undeveloped. Lee Harvey and the man were friends until Lee shot the mans horse because he thought it was a space alien. This made them bitter eneimies. Lee soon sold all of his shares in this "company" and used it to go to the motherland Originally called "volunteer army," it was focused on more volunteer goals . . . go figure! There was such a need for helping people, Then in 1878, along with the change of name, the Salvation Army shifted its attention to more military related activities. It then appointed a General, and began stocking stores of weaponry - like Bibles and food and multiple ways to show God's love for people.
The Army grew in power, and by 1907, it had 1,020 officers and 102,320 soldiers - plus an unrecorded number of songbooks. In 1914 the Army finally became recognized an international power, as well as a palpable threat to world civilization of sin and poverty when it began participating in WWI conflicts. This marks the time period in which the Salvation Army became completely active in international service - the donut girls! Woo Hoo!!. It also had functioning bases in 112 countries.
The motto 'Blood and fire' then came about because wherever they went they left in there wake blood from having bricks and hard objects thrown at them. However it really ismto be the blood of Christ and the fire of the Holy Spirit.
From 1970 until the stock crash (2000), when the Army suffered a major loss of income, the Army continued its various crusades. After the year 2000, however, the Salvation Army lost between 9 and 10% of its income. Since then it has showed rapid expansion and 0% increase in revenue. This has resulted in several changes in policy - dogs are soon to be replaced by hamsters to reduce storage and feeding costs - and the introduction of several additional Crusade plans, and the acquisition of many more service opportunities].
Crusading and Policy[edit | edit source]
In an attempt to control the crusading activity occurring under the Salvation banner, the Army has introduced a comprehensive Crusading Policy to guide young Officers. This policy was acquired only at the cost of many lives.
- All crusades must bring glory to God.
- All crusades must be held in the name of the Army, unless otherwise specified..
- Crusaders continue to support the Army's excellent daycare centers and playgrounds.
They Are prayful
Bases[edit | edit source]
Due to legal complications, most Salvation Army posts are semi-disguised as thrift stores. The primary function of these bases is to provide strategically located bases from which officers may conduct crusades of service to those who really need it.. These bases also serve as storehouses for equipment and food for time of disaster and need.The Salvation Army also has official headquarters, such as the Salvation Army International Headquarters, London. These function as administrative buildings. See photo, left.
The most secrete Army establishments are full fledged prayer operation areas. In addition to these prayer bases, there is the William Booth Memorial Training College, Denmark Hill, London, which serves as the Salvation Army boot camp. See photo, right.
Army[edit | edit source]
The Salvation Army is the largest military prayer group in the world. It believes in Prayer and living the life - note they are never on TV - those other guys are there all the time - because the Army is doing the work.. BTW - the salvation army has NO santas - that's the Volunteers of America!
Structure[edit | edit source]
The Army is lead by the General, currently Shaw Clifton, and the High Council of The Salvation Army. The Crusades are lead by the officers, and directed by the soldiers. The Army is always looking for fine Christian men and women to be their leaders . . . or someone who would like to become a Christian - we can get you there. . . your decision - but we can get you there!
Local Chapters[edit | edit source]
The local chapters, located in every major city throughout the world are usually run by the "Director", an anorexic woman with an ultra tanning bed UV tanning factor of 7.8, drives either a black Mercedes, Ferrari, or Bentley, and wears a new outfit every day. She attends the office 3 times a month and has her very own special and shaded parking spot. The other 27 days of the month are spent shopping for new outfits, working out at the gym 8 hours a day, and having her teeth professionally whitened 20 times brighter than the whites of her eyes.
Kettle Christmas Campaign[edit | edit source]
The Salvation Army operates a Christmas Kettle Campaign to raise tea drinking awareness accross North American sponsered by Queen Elizabeth II. "Ole Liz", as the Salvation army (Sally Ann), refers to her uses the campaign to undermine Columbia's Stranglehold of the colonies hot beverage business on the behalf of India. Athough a link between the Kettle Campaign and the Boston Tea Party has never been proven, Conspiracy Theorists are adamant that the queen is reving us all up on caffiene before the redcoats make a re-appearance.