Royal Leamington Spa
“I have but one thing to say about Leamington”
Leam (named after a rather feeble river running through it) or Leamington or Leamington Spa or, if you've got verbal bum rush, Royal Leamington Spa is a small town in the middle of Warwickshire, Ingerland. Some deluded folk say that there is a tree in the town that is the centre of England,[1]seemingly denying all geographic factors. To most other people it is either referred to as "oh I've been through there on the train", "I think I have an elderly aunt who lives there" or "ah so it's between Coventry and Stratford". Trampy people from outside the town consider it proper posh whereas most resident consider it not so.
History[edit | edit source]
The town is, compared to other towns but not compared to Premiership footballers these days, quite young being nothing more than a butcher, a baker and a candlestick makers next to its now inferior neighbour Warwick until 1793. It was built, not single handedly as some believe, on the reputation given to it by a postman called Ben (Satchwell) and a Scottish doctor called Henry (Jephson). Henry now has an award winning public park named after him[2] whilst Benny has a pub where the local scallies go on weekend night to large it up and be sick after drinking cheap booze. The town was for quite some time pretty minted, conning rich, bored and stupid people from throughout the country out of their money by convincing them that drinking the disgusting water spewed from the ground in the town would cure them. People then realised that the water tasted pants and that the weather was better abroad so they cleared off there. When Queen Victoria was knocking on in years the place became somewhat of a graveyard for crusty old army colonels and knackered industrialists from hell holes such as Brummagen and Nazi bomb target of the Midlands, Coventry.
Since then Leamington has split into two parts in terms of poshness. The northern part is full of boring (aka middle class) people who have three cars apiece and live in gold houses. The southern half is full of yobs (aka lower middle class & working class), tax dodgers (students) and undesirable (immigrants). The people do not work and their pastimes including smashing up things, smashing up each other and playing video games. Occasionally they are known to smash each other up with video games.
Transport & Sport[edit | edit source]
There is a steam horse carriage station in "The Spa" located in the scummy part of town. If one steps onto a steam horse carriage one can get to Brummagen, bomb target Cov, London village, Manchester City Utd and even haggis and porridge land without having to leave the carriage. There is a large road intialed M and numbered 40 nearby. Boxes of the drunk, smelly and unemployed (called buses by some people) are prevalent, the G1 bus pisses everyone off by breeding like flies and eating the other buses
Like the rest of Warwickshire there are no big football teams in Leam. The best one is located in a field, down a lane, which has its own weather system. It is actually in a different town which is weird. Despite this quite a large number of folk appear to enjoy attending the matches. A typical Saturday line up might include players such as Bertie Brakes, Oddball, Dolly The Sheep and two brothers from a remote village.
The town has two rugby teams, neither of which are from the town of Rugby. These are located next to each other as no-one cares about rugby and they couldn't afford the land. The towns municipal (i.e. cheap) golf course is a bit pants and the other one, like the football club is in another town and had the added disasvantage of no-one having heard heard of it.
Suburbs and surrounding villages[edit | edit source]
On the American side of the town is Milverton. It is not know for much and quite why this characterless (but not unpleasent) part of town has it's own name is a mystery. Probably something to do with an old farmer.
On the Scotland side of the town are Lillington and Cubbington. They are similar to Little & Large, as well as chalk and cheese. The former is full of drug addicts, pre-teen mothers and everlasting car fires. It does however have a Tescos. The latter is full of old men who smell of wee and drink real ale, women with moustaches, effeminate boys called Tarquin and girls who are just a little too friendly with their horse.
On the Isle of Wight side of the town is Whitnash "the parasite". The suffix of the town name was coined by famous Stratford scriptwriter Will Shagspur of nearby town Stratspud Upon Avon. This settlement claims to be a town quite seperate from Leamington but in reality is just a pompous village with pompous local councillors.
Other areas and villages include Sydenham (a bunch of concrete blocks and weird road layouts) and Radford Semele, the residents of which seem to have a strange fascination with burning down their own public buildings.
Things Leamington is NOT famous for[edit | edit source]
- It did not host the 1937 Olympics
- The largest Dinosaur skeleton was certainly not found in Leamington in 1867
- It is not twinned with Hiroshima, Belgrade, Beruit and Toxeth
- It is not the birthplace of Dora The Explorer, Edward Heath or Eminem
- The seed drill was not first used in a small field on the southern edge of the town in 1512
- The town hall has long been considered the 11th tallest in Middle England. However local research has found it to be the 13th. The local mayor responded by committing suicide.