Roak Band - Teutonic Invasion
“Stronger! Stronger! LOUDER! Put your heart in it, Gunter, let zem know that ze Germans are coming!”
|TEÜTONIC INVASION (file info)|
|Zer Üncyclöpedia has zer Audiö file für you to listen to.|
Following ze monumental success of ze Guitar Hero und Rock Band game series, vich allow for ze soft decadent muziek of ze vest, zer honorable German games company Spielen Mit Meinem Hösenschlange has decided nicht mehr.
Nicht mehr! soft American pop music.
Nicht mehr! whiny "röak" artists zat "play" zeir "guitars".
Nicht mehr! love songs und blue ballads.
Ja to strong masculine music!
Ja to military tunes that encourage ze love of zer Fatherland!
Ja to precision!
Ja to Ümläüẗs!
Ja to TEUTONIC INVASION!
“No Aryans were hurt during zer making of zis game. Much”
Obviously, zer making of zer ultimate Röak game required intense research, testing und preparation. Zeben divisions of zer German army vere enlisted to listen to zer tunes und ensure zey had sufficient levels of Röak testosterone, und zen playtest zer game to ensure zer difficulty levels vould sort zer men from zer boys.
By ze time zer game was finished, zere vos only one division left, und zere fingers vere so severely cramped zey had to be excused combat duties for zwei months until zey could hold a gun vithout screaming.
Zer makers also researched intensely vhich bands und songs vere masculine enough to make zer grade. Metallica, for example, scored vell because of James Hetfield's love of hunting, but vere eventually excluded because zey vere pussy enough to have needed therapy! Unreconstructed und unrepentant röakers like Motörhead und zer Scorpions vere zer order of zer day.
Unlike other rhythm action music games, Röak Band features no "Easy" or "Medium" modes - life is hard, Röak is hard, so zer game is hard. If you can't deal with zis, you don't deserve to play it anyway. Take up zer triangle, little man!
Zerefore, ze difficulty levels of ze games are as following:
- Arthritis Inducement
- Final Solution
- TEUTONIC INVASION.
"Hard" difficulty mode actually replicates exactly zer finger positions und chord sequences required to play zer song for real. Zer higher difficulty modes add extra challenges to make things more... interesting. As vell as punishing failure in zer methods described below, zer game may require you to hold zer guitar at zer same precise angle as it vos held in zer stylish music video at appropriate moments, play vith your eyes closed (zer game has vays of telling if you do zis), or play zer notes vith a violin like Nigel Tufnel out of Spinal Tap.
As you rise between zer various difficulty levelz, you vill recognize how each level pumps more und more excitement und adrenaline into your system. Some excitement methods include:
|Difficulty Level||Audio Consequences of Failure||Visual Consequences of Failure||Physical Consequences of Failure||External Consequences of Failure|
|Hard||Loud buzzing noise on zer left earphone||N/A||N/A||N/A|
|Painful||Both ear phones buzz on different intervals||Screen blinks in zer red/black colors of zer Fatherland||N/A||N/A|
|Arthritis Inducement||Left earphone plays Teutonic marching tunes over ze in-game music||A frowning Teutonic Knight hops randomly on zer screen blocking zer view of zer keys you need to punch||Low yield electrical shocks are delivered to zer controller||N/A|
|Final Solution||Left earphone plays Teutonic marching tunes while ze right one is reciting zer complete works of Bismarck.||Screen blinking now induces minor epileptic seizures.||Controller heats up to 85°C||An automated message regarding your failures is now being sent to zer rathaus|
|TEUTONIC INVASION||EAR PHONES NOW PLAY ZER FULL WORKS OF ALPHAVILLE||COLOR BLINDNESS IS NOW INDUCED ALONGSIDE MAJOR EATING DISORDERS||CONTROLLER SPROUTS METAL BARBS||TEUTONIC KNIGHTS INVADE YOUR HOUSE|
Playing Ze Game
Vhile playing ze game, a stretched out bloodwurst is shown vertically on zer screen, und as zer song progresses, colored markers indicating notes travel down zer screen in time with zer music; ze note colors und positions match those of zer 23 fret keys on zer guitar controller. Once zer note(s) reach zer bottom, zer player must play zer indicated note(s) by holding down zer correct fret button(s) und hitting zer strumming bar in order to score points. Success or failure will cause zer on-screen Röak Meter to change, showing how well zer player is getting closer to zer Aryan expected standard. Should zer Röak Meter drop below zer red section, penalties as mentioned above will follow.
Selected special segments of zer song will have glowing notes outlined by stars: successfully hitting all notes in zis series will fill zer "Teutonic Pride Meter". zer Teutonic Pride Meter can also be filled by using zer whammy bar during sustained notes within zese segments. Once zer Teutonic Pride Meter is at least half full, zer player can activate "TEUTONIC POWER" by momentarily slamming zer guitar into someone's head (preferably not his own). When TEUTONIC POWER is activated, zer scoring multiplier is doubled until TEUTONIC POWER is depleted.
Roak Band also features a double-necked guitar controller, in accordance with zer established law zat double-necked guitars are cooler zan regular guitars und make zer guitarist look sexier. See Rudolph Schenker of der Scorpions for incontrovertible proof.
Zer game also seeks to recreate zer full experience of playing live by including a life-sized "concert security guard" model, vhich emits authentic concert security smells such as "three-week-old fappin' stains", und also prevents anyone from getting too close to zer player for fear that zey may enjoy zer experience.
Zer choice of characters in zer original Röak band game vos poor und insulting, und not masculine enough. To correct zis, Roak band has removed most of zer women, und zer punier looking men from zer character roster und replaced zem with zer following towering examples of testosterone:
Otto von Bismarck
Otto is back, und he is bigger than zan ever. Zer legendary father of ze modern German nation returns to show us all how it is meant to be.
While playing Otto, ze following bonuses und handicaps are in place:
- See furzer into zer line of notes coming, as ze historical Otto saw into zer future of zer Fatherland!
- Steady flow of notes all through out zer game, including during heightened solos. As zer historical Bismarck never stopped his pace to unify Germany. NEVER!
- On random occasions zer character stops responding und one of zer laws written down by Bismarck are introduced on zer screen to cover all notes, as it is better you know zer legacy of Bismarck zen winning yet another song. Know your history, und march into zer sunset!
Zer Hoff is a legend of German röak, und has graciously agreed to appear in zer game. His macho hair und impeccable use of leather lend an air of quality to zer game.
Hasselhoff has zer following bonuses und handicaps:
- Röak Meter always remains high - Hasselhoff is zer living embodiment of Röak, so his Röak Meter can never fall!
- Screen occasionally cuts to a slow-mo montage of Hasselhoff running towards zer camera, without his guitar, but with his manly chest hair proudly on display!
- Character occasionally stops playing to fight crime in a stylish black automobile. Upholding law und order is more important zan zer march of Röak!
A true mensch, herr Rommel was the spirit of true Germanic manhood come alive. Wiz his impressive sand goggles und shiny boots he traveled across the deserts of North Africa to bring German culture to zer Berbers. In zis game, YOU (no, not you Hans, step aside now) yes YOU! get to re-live zer life of Rommel, using a Les Paul Gibson rather than his Stukas to pummel zer enemies of Der Reich into a finely grated potato zalat.
Playing Rommel you are enjoying ze following bonuses und handicaps:
- Air strike - Rommel can order an air strike or a panzer column to devastate all opposition. Feel that ze röak meter goes zher low? CALL IN THE BLITZ!
- Thinking of a trio wiz a pianist? WELL DON'T! As we all know what Herr Hitler planned for our beloved Rommel, and he will not take well to be reminded of these nefarious plans.
Criticism of zer game has broadly been divided into 2 categories. On zer one hand zere are those who believe it panders to base stereotypes of Germans, und gamers, und German gamers in particular. und on zer other, zere are those who have tentatively suggested it may be a notch or so too hard. Spielen Mit Meinem Bälle software has laughed off both zese allegations.
"First of all, zer Aryan characteristics zis game is targeted at are not stereotypes, zey are an ideal", said company spokesman Herr Hermann Mann, "und secondly, zer game is nix too hard, some people are just too soft! Zey are a disgrace to zer German nation! Zey may as vell move to France und have done with it!"
Some players have also voiced criticism at zer way that certain songs require zem to smash zeir instruments at zer end in order to complete zem. Some feel that zis might be a cynical marketing ploy to ensure healthy sales figures of peripherals for many years to come. Spielen Mit Meinem Bälle software zemselves insist it is just another facet of zeir commendable dedication to realism. "You vant zer full experience of playing in zer röak band? Zen you need to experience having to buy new equipment when zer röak spirit compels you to trash your equipment", says Herr Mann. "Ve are researching vays to furzerr extend zis realism in zer sequel, as soon as ve can find a vay of forcing you to drive a Röak band branded beat-up van before you can set up your equipment und play zer songs."
Zer game has proved so popular, Spielen Mit Meinem Bälle software are already hard at work on zer sequel: Röak Band - Several Decades of Apölogising for Teutonic Invasion.
| Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2009.