Richard T. Gill
“That's a huge butt.”
Richard Thomas Gill (November 30, 1927 – October 25, 2010) was an American economist and opera singer. He held several teaching and administrative positions at Harvard University over a period of twenty-two years. He is most widely known, however, for the commentary he provided for the movie series you probably slept through, Economics USA. This video series has become the standard for introductory Economics classes, and a source of holy inspiration to some devout sects of polygamist Turkey Worshipers.
But Economics weren't enough for Mr. Gill, he left his post to pursue a life of crime fighting in the booming Metropolis of Alexander, AR. After saving the town from three Marijuana street dealers and a persistent upselling Ihop waitress, Gill moved on to become a key figure in the lamest form of entertainment known, Opera.
Life Story[edit | edit source]
Early Days[edit | edit source]
Ever since he was a young boy, Richard Gill knew he was different. He once levitated his mother's 1948 Ford above his house. Tragically, he was distracted by a passing ice cream truck, which caused the car to crash into his house, killing both his parents and John Kerry's political carreer all in one mighty blow. Stricken with grief, he soon became a master of black magic, which he hoped would help him avenge his parents from their death by destroying anything that might be considered entertaining to the general populace, this led him to his carreer in Economics.
He was sent off soon after his tragedy to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he earned his bachelors in Economics, with a minor in defence against the dark arts. His many school accomplishments included becoming the first man ever to attempt the tricky Frisky Waldo sex position with a House Elf, and single-handedly winning the Quiditch World Cup by boring the National Team of Uzbekistan to tears with demonstrations of cost-push inflation.
Mr. Gill then headed off to the deserts of Israel to be a disciple of Jesus, where he went by the name Judas Iscariot. After a bunch of zealous Romans misread Gill's attempt to get to first base as a sign to capture and crucify Lobster Jesus, Gill moved back to the United States to begin his Economics career.
Early Economics Career[edit | edit source]
Gill started his work at Harvard University in 1974 as a janitor, but after several unexplained kidnappings and bomb threats, he soon became an aid in the economics department. In 1976 Gill defeated his arch-rival and superior, Van Helsing, in a Texas cage match to become the new Economics professor.
Gill's classes were usually long and tedious bouts of self pity mixed with readings of modern poetry. After a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Past, Gill decided to "spice it up a bit" by actually teaching economics. Many students of his went on to accomplish great things. His former students include Darth Vader, Genghis Kahn, Captain Kirk, That guy from 90210 (you know who I'm talking about), and Buddha.
Richard's Teaching style was forever altered after he witnessed the simultaneous incineration of 3,000 penguins, six Girl Scout troops, and a youth brass band at the hands of the Evil Donald Rumsfeld. He became angry, and would curse students with his wizard powers for blinking in class. An "encouraged leave of absence" led him to his crime fighting years in Alexander, AR.
Crime Fighting[edit | edit source]
Richard was hired along with two well dressed sea otters to become the new Sheriffs of Alexander, Arkansas. Gill's ability on land allowed him to quickly rise to the top of the new recruits, but not without several bare fisted, (or in this case, flippered), brawls in the shower room. He soon became the only Sheriff in town and was known to announce from rooftops with a loudspeaker,"There Can Only Be One Highlander!!".
Gill's capture of the infamous "I-84 Pot Master" turned out not only to be his greatest accomplishment, but the last thing he ever did in law enforcement after he temporarily entered a state of nirvana and became one with all creation.
Opera Career[edit | edit source]
Mr. Gill's return from nirvana left him feeling empty inside, so after he threw his jersey to a small fan in a locker room tunnel in exchange for a Coca Cola, he left Arkansas to become a singer.
The only musical medium boring enough for Mr. Gill to find at all possible to attempt was opera. Surprisingly enough, his first musical attempt, a rap song known as I'm The Real Slim Shady, was later popularized by one of Gill's greatest pupils at Harvard, Gandhi.
Richard's deep baritone voice allowed him many lead roles, but sadly enough the entire audience to every one of his shows was mowed down by a disgruntled Jesus, who went crazy after being nailed to a tree by his claws of majesty and left in a hole for three days. This meant that Gill was not eligible for a Grammy, so he settled for a best in show from Her Majesty's Royal Dog Show.
2008 Presidential Campaign[edit | edit source]
Mr. Gill once again shocked the world of high school and community college economics professors when he announced his candidacy for President of The United States of America. His press conference announcing his candidacy was unfortunately cut short before Gill was allowed to speak, due to the fact that the employees at the Motel 6 off of the Baltimore Turnpike had noticed Gill and his supporters breaking in to their conference room. Gill was forced to announce his candidacy by Fax after being released for breaking and entering.
Candidate Gill ran on an economically centered platform. Being that the causes of the economic downturn of 2007/2008 were so obnoxiously boring and difficult to explain that no mortal man could perform such tasks, Mr. Gill saw himself as the only candidate who was competent enough to solve our crises due to his background in both economics and black magic. Gill had suggested that a combination of a toxic asset alleviation program, combined with nation-wide witch burnings would not only alleviate both the housing market slump and unnecessary broom related air pollution, but also provide an alternative fuel source. Many of Gill's Witch-Burning ideas were later recycled by Senator Barrack Obama's "clean coal" campaign.
Mr. Gill was pulling a significant lead in early Pennsylvania primary polls, but unfortunately the angel of death did come upon the land of Egypt, taking every firstborn of the Egyptians. Gill's "First Born Egyptian" centered campaign ads had not attracted voters outside of this Bronze Age constituency, and failed to appeal to the majority of moderate, second child voters in the Democratic Primaries.
Mr. Gill was forced to endorse Senator Hillary Clinton, following multiple sessions of "electrode encouragement", ironically made legal by the Platform both Senator Clinton and Mr. Gill had been working to overturn.
Gill attempted to defeat Senator Clinton by raising an army of blue face painted Scotsmen, but his military progress was thwarted following the DUI arrest of his spokesperson, The Numa Numa Guy.
But Mr. Gill's contribution to the Democratic Party did not end there. Gill would volunteer to go on speaking tours with Senator John McCain in an attempt to thwart the Senator, by creating the most boring speech duo the world has ever known.
Mr. Gill's Essay on Speculative foreign investment in San Bernadino CA has been determined to be the direct cause of the Jonestown mass suicide of 1978. Members of the People's Temple, who had come to hear Senator McCain and Mr. Gill, had actually invented time travel while doodling on their napkins, and used this development to go back and time and save themselves from ever living long enough to hear Mr. Gill's speech. This represents the high point of Mr. Gills lecturing career.
Senator Obama's victory in the state of Virginia has been attributed to Mr. Gill threatening to return to give more speeches if that state had gone for Senator McCain.
In a last ditch effort to gain support for his campaign, Mr. Gill sucked several dicks for money.
Today[edit | edit source]
Mr. Gill and his wife Yoko Ono work together on writing the most boring and badly sung music of all time. He has returned to Harvard as Associate Dean of Female Anatomy, which granted him with an excellent Pension plan. to this day Mr. Gill will never forget the day he dropped a 1948 Ford on his parent's head, but when asked by a CNN reporter earlier this month, Gill's passionate response read in full
| “ | Bitch do I look like I be talking with you!!?!? | ” |