Red Riding Hood (2011 film)
Red Riding Hood was a movie made by Catherine Hardwicke, who also directed the infamous movie called Twilight (ewww). The movie (Red Riding Hood) revolves around a girl called Valerie who lives in a village called Daggerporn and runs around raping innocent animals and goes on an affair with Peter, a sexy wood-cutter. Valerie is meant to marry Henry, but she thinks he is a complete retard.
Cast
Catherine Hardwicke had originally cast Kirsten Stewart in the role of Valerie, and unknown actor Robert Pattinson in the role of Peter but realised what an incredibly mind numbingly stupid idea that would be. It was then decided to cast a load of people we'd never heard of other than that guy from Harry Potter. And he's in Batman too. Oh and that Dracula film with Keanu Reeves with the worst English accent known to man.
Plot Summary
Valerie is running around the forest with the sexy wood-cutter called Peter. She stops when she sees the dead body of her sister Lucie.
"What sexy beast did this?" She exclaimed to Peter, who stared into space and actually wanted to rape Valerie and kill Henry, and couldn't care less about who raped Valerie's sexy sister.
Than one day, when the people in the village of Daggerporn could actually be bothered to get off their lazy butts, they went out to kill the wolf that invades their village and goes around raping anyone who gets in its path. So when the lazy villagers of the not-so-lovely village of Daggerporn go on their journey to kill the wolf, and Adrian, who had drank way too much Red Bull prior to the hunt ran like crazy into the wolf's den. The wolf, who at the time was very horny and thought that Adrian was one smexy piece of work, started to rape him and put him in the oven for later. Meanwhile, Valerie and Peter decide to have sex in a barn. Then later that night, the wolf decided that it needed to rape more people and went to Daggerporn to speak to Valerie.
"Come away with me." Said the wolf. Now, where have we heard that before? Nope, I have no idea.
Valerie thinks she is going crazy, so she yells at the wolf, "GET AWAY FROM ME MOTHER FIRETRUCKER!" And Valerie's friend Roxanne, who is in the background slaps her like crazy, thinking that Valerie was a crazy woman who thought she could speak to wolves. The wolf decided that Valerie was boring and plain, alot like Bella Swan, so he bit a random guard and ran for his life.
Solomon, who is a pedophile that thinks he knows everything about wolves gets a gun and shoots the random guard that the wolf bit and shoots him several times.
Valerie is now beginning to suspect that her crazy boyfriend is the wolf. Peter walks up to her and says, "Hi, want to have sex?" Valerie is disgraced by this and stabs him to death before running for her wifey lifey. She ran to her creepy grandmothers house but instead of finding grandma found a pedophile, which was her father. Cesaire, Valerie's father reveals that he is the wolf and Valerie, having found out that her dad was a pedophile decided to kill him. She and Peter cack themselves at the thought of Cesaire being a pedophile and throw him into a lake.
Peter then tells Valerie that he was bitten by the wolf, and that he has to go away to learn how to control his lust for rape. Valerie then considers committing suicide like Bella Swan, then decided that she can't be bothered and decided to live in her creepy grandmothers house, awaiting the day that Peter will return and rape her.
THE END
Critical Reception
“At least its not Twilight...”
“Jesus Tittyfuckin' Christ, we have to be grateful for that...”