Reading FC
“Can't watch, Reading”
“I preferred the jail”
Waitrose Wanderers or Reading FC is an English poetry reading club, located in a library and formed in 1871. They used to play in the FA Premier League against really good teams, such as Manchester United States, Abramograd, 'Where the fuck's my stereo gone?' and Arse-anal and also teams such as the Spearmint Rhino works team Hottenham Totspurs.
Reading FC have laboured for many years in the lower divisions, often languishing mid-table in whichever league they happen to have been in at the time, until recently during the 2005/06 season. During this bizarre time they actually won the Coca-Cola Championship (with record points) and were promoted to the FA Premier League. It is still unclear how they managed this, quite frankly - but they did, none the less, only to be relegated back shortly after the FA realised they made a mistake, and employed Fulham F.C. to give them the old one-two.
[Reading FC|Waitrose Wanderers are also well known for their amazing ability to scout average players and when said players are graced by God John "Mad John McMad" Madejski gets an erection over their rediculous price tags, said players are usually shipped to the midland club known as Wanky Wanderers. John "Mad John McMad" Madejski latest piece of business is selling Matt "Judas" Mills to another championship side in a bid to seal Championship football for yet another year !
Facilities[edit | edit source]
Reading used to play in a luxurious mega-stadium, named Elm Park, for many years, until their saviour came and sorted them out. Elm Park is now a housing estate. It was first used residentially in about 4000BC, when a neolithic caveman was frozen during a typical Tilehurst storm. In 1982 the club dug up the pitch, looking for some of the fans that had abandoned them when the going got tough. They dug up the caveman, who now takes pride of place in the entrance to the club's Megastore, a place where you can buy Reading FC things. (Normally known as a cabin and a place you can buy cheap tacky golf equipment for extortionate prices)
John "Mad John McMad" Madejski was born in Stoke-on-Trent, but was banished as soon as locals realised his life didn't revolve around chatting up slags, drinking weak lager and smoking illegal substances. He moved to Reading and made fuck loads of money setting up AutoTrader magazine (a car sales thing), which he then sold for millions of pounds and then chipped off to Malaysia (or somewhere equally remote) for a year and a day - in order not to pay the money-grabbing British Government any of his hard earned cash in TAX. Nice one!!
Then he came back (still minted) and bought Reading FC. (idiot, he bought RFC years before this) He then proceeded to build the team a bad-ass stadium worthy of great football - shame really, cos at the time Reading FC were still pretty crap, and had no fans to fill the stadium.
The Rugger buggers of London Oirish share the ground, and they like to kick the pitch up a bit with scrums, rucks (rucking at Football has since been made illegal), and whatever else they see fit to entertain the 10 men (9 gay men looking for dates with Welsh accents, and the Slough village idiot) and a dog that turn up to watch them. Still, they pay the club in gold sovereigns they found at the end of a rainbow, so everybody's happy really.
When Reading FC got a bit good, lots of people who supported Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelski decided to buy Half Season tickets, so they could buy a real season ticket for the next season, when such clubs would be visiting. These people have to pretend to be Reading supporters so that they don't get found out. They wear replica shirts, sing songs about Reading FC, cheer Reading FC goals and talk a bit like a farmer. A strange morphing from Glory Supporting Premiership fan to Reading FC fan has emerged where these fans are actually ditching their 'real' Premiership club and supporting Reading FC for real... Not just pretending...
Or is it, I really can't tell...
This has been analysed by psychiatry bods at Slough College of Basketweaving as a case of Stockholm Syndrome.
Current Squad[edit | edit source]
1. Adam "Flapperici" Federici - Goalkeeper who likes to pull of sensational saves, but then even it up by dropping a ball into his net. Once managed to kick the ball downfield without it going out of play. Reportedly. Also scored a wonder-volley against Cardiff.
2. Andy "Legend" Griffin - Top-Class Right-Back and a Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather. Still yet to score in his 57 year career, but came close once away to Watford in '76.
3. Marcus "Thank God He Didn't Cost Millions" Williams - Signed from Scunthorpe because he was rated 67 on FIFA 10. Exposed on his debut as a fake. Now he can't even make the reserve team. Oh, but he's still a decent 66 on FIFA 11. That's nice.
4. Jem "Turkish Delight" Karacan - Academy midfielder who has the unique ability to run around aimlessly for 90 minutes without having a single influence on the game.
6. Brynaldo Gunnarsson - ONCE NUTMEGGED A LIVERPOOL PLAYER.
7. Jay "The Hobbit" Tabb - 6 year old boy mistaken for a footballer. Never won a header in his career, or a girlfriend.
8. Mikele "Legs of Wood" Leigertwood - Never lost a game as a Reading player and he's black. Coincidence? I think not...
9. Adam "Alfie" Le Fondre. Shipped in from the Pit that is Rotherham. Famous for it's monobrows and low I.Q's
10. Noel "I don't have a penis, I have a ____" Hunt - Crap striker who doesn't do anything except score. Bit like Church, except Hunt scores.
11. Jobi "I don't score enough" McAnuff - The only person in the world called Jobi. Once ran the entire Anfield pitch twice, only to miss an open goal from 1 yard. A Messi run, but a Messy finish.
12. Dave "Who needs Rooney? We've got" Mooney - Drew the short straw when Madejski asked for a player to complete his lifelong dream of "sending someone on loan to every club in England." Currently at Colchester, Club No.43.
13. Reading Fans - Still scored more goals than Graeme Murty, Jay Tabb and Emerse Fae combined.
14. Jimmy Kebe "My Lord" - Only individual to have ever won the Nobel Peace Prize, been knighted, been elected President of Azerbaijan, and nutmegged a Torquay United full-back on the same day. Sent down by God to save Reading from relegation, only God forget to exterminate Liam Rosenior and the Royals were relegated.
15. Matt "We know fuck all about him" Conolly- On loan from Queens Park Rangers, that's about it really.
17. Michail "Please bring him on" Antonio - Already been an unused sub 436 times in his short career. The idea is to bring him on if Reading are losing, but it seems that whenever the Royals are goals down, McDermott feels the need for some comedy, so brings on Robson-Kanu for the Lolz.
18. Simon "Holy" Church - A Song: "Simon Church, Simon Church, Simon Chuuurch. Simon Church, Simon Church, Simon Chuuuuuurch. His name suggests he's Holy. His shots will go straight at your Goalie. "Simon Church, Simon Church, Simon Chuuurch (is shit)."
19. Hal "Shit" Robson "Shit" "Kanu - Symbolises everything that is wrong with Welsh football. It is a mystery how he gets in the Wales team when he is incredibly crap. And English.[I like him though]
20.Brian How"are you still here? ward - Once scored a 20-yard goal in injury-time for Barnsley vs Liverpool. The only time in his career he kicked the ball where he wanted to. Although he was aiming for the other corner.
21. Lawson Strangest name ever D'Ath Prolific goal scorer at youth and reserve level, last seen looking lost in the backwaters of Sommerset.
22. Kaspaas "Where's my Borat DVD" Gorks- Another escapee from the QPR prison, Legend has it, he can turn fellow defenders into world class footballers.
23. Ian Harte "-Attack" - Orignally signed by Reading in 1999, but due to a lack of pace it took 10 years for Ian to make it down to Berkshire from Leeds for the medical. When signed it was soon realised that all he could do was take Free-Kicks.
24. Shaun "Second" Cummings - Signed with much hype, only to turn out crap. Dropped for six months then came back as the worlds best right back. Devine intervention? Genetic Manipulation? You decide!
25. Jake "Wonderkid" Taylor - Supposedly Reading's next big thing. Played one game for the Royals and missed a penalty. So like I was saying - wonderkid.
26. Alex "Fierce" Pearce - Defensive psycho discovered in the forests of Scotland feeding on a deer. Having been raised by bears for the first sixteen years of his life, Alex is now the child of McDermott.
28. Sean "Fuck Waitrose, I shop at" Morrison - Caused uproar among Tesco and Sainsburys when joining from Swindon as it hit the other supermarkets that Reading would have two supermarkets on their shirt next season. Reports that the Royals are set to sign Gary Liddle from Hartlepool are unconfirmed however.
29. Nicholas "Little" Bignall - Currently the backup plan if Mooney fails to join every club on loan before his contract runs out. Bignall is currently at Brentford, club No.11. When played with Mooney upfront together for Reading, they scored 4 goals combined against Burton Albion. But according to Madejski, "finding clubs to send them on loan to is way more fun that watching them score goals for Reading."
31. Mikkel "Rovers" Andersen - Has played over 70 games for Bristol Rovers while at Reading despite playing none for the Royals. Used in a masterplan by Reading by throwing the ball straight to Leeds' Jermaine Beckford in order that he would score and Leeds would be in the Championship next season guaranteeing Reading 6 points. This plan backfired when Reading and Leeds drew 0-0.
32. Jacob "We all wish he was Theo" Walcott - Mother of the Arsenal and England winger. Unfortunately not quite as good, unless playing in the 4th dutch division.
33. Chris "Hero" Armstrong - Played half a season after being diagnosed with MS, that can only be applauded
35. Michael "My field's size is about one" Hector - Who?. Currently on loan in Ireland.
36. Jack "Not Matt" Mills - Fortuantely not related to Matthew. Or Danny. Or Pablo. Or Heather.
37. Jordan "He's no Lita" Obita - Readings brightest young talent, played aged just 16 against Torquay. But he will never be as good as Lita, never.
38. James Rowe "Your Boat, gently down the stream" - On loan to Lewes. Says it all really.
39. Brett "Thank Fuck he's not Marcus" Williams - Signed in secret in a desperate attempt to replace Marcus with a good Williams without anyone noticing, and everyone would think that the original Williams was not the worst signing in the history of the universe. They could be foiled in the future due to the fact Brett is white, and a striker.
The Manager[edit | edit source]
Heston Blumenthal (alias- [Brian McDermott])- never smiles or gets excited, except when impersonating Uncle Fester or Steve Coppell.
Born to those people from 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' Blumenthal was a distinctly average footballer, coincidently the best player Sweden had ever seen. Continuing this rich vein of mediocrity, following glamorous spells at Woking and Slough he ended up at Reading. Was appointed Reading manager after Madejski found out that Rodgers was trying to spend money. He Has no notable trophies or achievements to his name, however in January 2011 he spent more money than any other manager in one transfer window, a number rumoured to be into triple figures.
Famous Reading FC quotations[edit | edit source]
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