“I have had sex with at least three members of the Razorlight band.”
“I'm bigger than Jesus, probably even by inches. ”
|Label(s)||Universal Music Group|
|Members||Johnny Borrell (Björn Ågren, Carl Dalemo, Andy Burrows)|
Razorshite is an English alternative rock "band" that was formed. When, where, why, who, and whether, however, is disputed or unknown due in part to the fact that no one cares about them. They pretty much have no hits. Seriously. As an aside they should not be confused with Blazerlight as the two are entirely different.
Rumor has it that Johnny Borrell decided to form Razorlight in response to England's resident cunt Pete Doherty saying that Johnny was taking the notion of 'twat' too far. After extensive revisions (i.e. no haircuts for a while), the band unveiled their look to widespread derision and apathy in 2000 when the group (now with the line up we know and despise) got round to releasing their debut LP, In Bed By 8. The album was poorly received by critics and music fans alike. One critic exclaimed the LP had "...a lack of anything resembling a musical note, not to mention a singer who probably thinks his farts will sell records one day".[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Undeterred by the scathing reviews of every decent music publication at the time (barring wank-and-gell-peddlars NME), the band (which had now gained three new members, Alex the Chimp, Jay-Z, and last but not least Russell Crowe) poured some of their efforts into what would become their best selling—for a week—CD....In Mauritania. The following week sales dropped dramatically when the band effectively bankrupted themselves buying copies of their own album a thousand times. The album was a sequel of sorts to their proper debut, titled imaginatively Up All Night a masturbation themed concept album which incidentally also rhymes with shite.
Johnny further developed his "style" of mumbling and yelping, much to the admiration of Jo Whiley and every other daytime radio show. This cemented the group's reputation as latter-day everymen concerned with the well-beings of morons and only morons who buy their records.
Razorlight have, to this day, sold 32 CDs. Based in America, they have recently taken Britain and Jo Whiley's Live Lounge by storm! Headed by the incredibly charismatic and supremely talented frontman Johnny Borrell, the group have made a shitload of cash by copying the worst bits from the last two Strokes albums, and hope to repeat the "success" of their last album by sucking America's righty-loving cock (well, it could have worked for Oasis). Their hit song 'America' has propelled the nation from virtually unknown outside of 'The Americas' to being know as the home of Bush to everyone who buys or has ever bought gas. Borrell currently holds the esteemed title of 'Worlds Pastiest Man'.
Recently the band have come to the attention of the U.K. tabloid press due to rumours of interband relations following the release of their wildly successful doom metal song "In the Morning".
Johnny is quoted as saying:
|“||Well, when you're as fantastic as us, it's only normal that we'd get lonely on our tour barge and mistake each others rears for glory holes! I mean, my rear is so cunting glorious, yeah?... Hey, interviewer, don't fucking leave, right! Do you know who I am? I'm fucking Johnny Borrell! I've been on fucking Johnathan Ross! I don't even need be here, yeah? You know why? Because I'm Johnny fucking Borrell - Song Writing Genius. Bob Dylan phoned me up the other day and was like "Hi, Johnny Borrell, really love your work. Can I have some?" and I was all like, "No way. Fuck off you no talent scumshit. I'm Johnny Borrell, If you ever contact me again I'll write a song about you that everyone will love but nobody will love you because you're shit. Comprende? Now fuck the cock off, yeah? I've got loads of sex to do... with women. Definitely women. Yeah.||”|
Carl Dalemo went on to add:
“I no speak anglais. Where thee hoes?”
NME have also gone to state that they believe Razorlight to be "The zeitgeist holocaust in postmodern, dull post-post-post-punk-post-dull, guitar wankery, which we of course love! How about that ad for the new range of shockwave gell? We would talk more about new upcoming bands, but this contract for Maybelline hair spunk has to be mentioned 8 times before any musical musings! Oh, here comes the photographer!!!"
Resourceful Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan have recruited no fewer than 16,000 young jihadists by driving into their villages playing "Wo-oh-oah, there's trouble in America" from car radios. The association between fucking shit and irritating stodgy rock choruses and the eponymous America in the lyrics has brainwashed many thousands of young people into believing that America is the source of this turgid but global evil.
Razorlight's next stage in the long, arduous process of making the world weep is to release a quadruple album of Johnny yelping like a wounded, half-mutilated sheep dog.
When questioned on the subject, Borrell said:
|“||If I've gotten away with it this long, why change the format? We all know only fantastic artists such as myself get to release complete turds and make money, and in no small part is that aided by the 9 out of 10 rating next to that spoiler of Brylcream! I mean, the Brylcream really helped sell it, and—maybe I'm looking too far into the future—the new album is a dead cert 10! The themes are also going to be a lot broader and shit. I mean, we might even make an effort! Wouldn't that be something? I mean, we've released absolute dribble thus far, and you apes are lapping it up!||”|
They also plan to spread their AIDS throughout Europe, including Ireland (Have they not got enough AIDS, damn it, what with Bono and all?) and Austria. When asked about the Austria gig, Johnny Borrell responded by saying "I'm Johnny fucking Borrell, what's your fucking problem? Do you want me to give you AIDS? 'Cause I'll do it! I've done it before to the lead singer of The Prodigy. I'm Johnny fucking Borrell."
Johnny Borrell also recently commented on greenhouse gas emissions and environmental issues by saying:
|“||Yeah, it's pretty rotten. I mean, there's lots that we can do to help the planet! If you listen to a track on the new album (available at most supermarkets and bargain basement bins), you see that it is something that concerns me! You know who I am, don't you? I'm fucking Johnny Borrell!||”|
Keira Knightley, a famous stick insect and a fan of the "band", said:
|“||I love their music, but to be honest, I've seen better looking hemorrhoids. No, of course I'm not bitter. It wasn't my fault King Arthur was shit— [pauses] OK, it was sorta my fault. You can't front on Pride and Prejudice though, that shit nearly bagged me an Oscar motherfuckers! Yeeeeeeah, anytime I lay the accent on thick, I get awards flyin' outta my ass! What? Razor who— Oh yeah. They're the shizz. Can I go now? Lohan's coming over to fondle my fried eggs.||”|
Johnny Borell - "Our next album is set for number 1 within minutes. There are so many indie bands around these days with so many bands fighting to be different and stand out. To make sure our album is like no other it will only be released as a Word document through our website"
Official Johnny Fucking Borell Cult - Not that anyone cares, though.