Razorlight

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“I have had sex with at least three members of the Razorlight band.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Razorlight

“I'm bigger than Jesus, probably even by inches. ”

~ Johnny Borrell on Jesus
Razorlight
Years Active Uhhhhh.....
Genre(s) 'Alternative' rock
Post-shitcore
Label(s) Universal Music Group
Members Johnny Borrell (Björn Ågren, Carl Dalemo, Andy Burrows)

Razorshite is an English alternative rock "band" that was formed. When, where, why, who, and whether, however, is disputed or unknown due in part to the fact that no one cares about them. They pretty much have no hits. Seriously. As an aside they should not be confused with Blazerlight as the two are entirely different.

History[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Razorlight.

Rumor has it that Johnny Borrell decided to form Razorlight in response to England's resident cunt Pete Doherty saying that Johnny was taking the notion of 'twat' too far. After extensive revisions (i.e. no haircuts for a while), the band unveiled their look to widespread derision and apathy in 2000 when the group (now with the line up we know and despise) got round to releasing their debut LP, In Bed By 8. The album was poorly received by critics and music fans alike. One critic exclaimed the LP had "...a lack of anything resembling a musical note, not to mention a singer who probably thinks his farts will sell records one day".[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Undeterred by the scathing reviews of every decent music publication at the time (barring wank-and-gell-peddlars NME), the band (which had now gained three new members, Alex the Chimp, Jay-Z, and last but not least Russell Crowe) poured some of their efforts into what would become their best selling—for a week—CD....In Mauritania. The following week sales dropped dramatically when the band effectively bankrupted themselves buying copies of their own album a thousand times. The album was a sequel of sorts to their proper debut, titled imaginatively Up All Night a masturbation themed concept album which incidentally also rhymes with shite.

Johnny further developed his "style" of mumbling and yelping, much to the admiration of Jo Whiley and every other daytime radio show. This cemented the group's reputation as latter-day everymen concerned with the well-beings of morons and only morons who buy their records.

"Accomplishments"[edit]

Razorlight have, to this day, sold 32 CDs. Based in America, they have recently taken Britain and Jo Whiley's Live Lounge by storm! Headed by the incredibly charismatic and supremely talented frontman Johnny Borrell, the group have made a shitload of cash by copying the worst bits from the last two Strokes albums, and hope to repeat the "success" of their last album by sucking America's righty-loving cock (well, it could have worked for Oasis). Their hit song 'America' has propelled the nation from virtually unknown outside of 'The Americas' to being know as the home of Bush to everyone who buys or has ever bought gas. Borrell currently holds the esteemed title of 'Worlds Pastiest Man'.

Controversy[edit]

Recently the band have come to the attention of the U.K. tabloid press due to rumours of interband relations following the release of their wildly successful doom metal song "In the Morning".

Johnny is quoted as saying:


Carl Dalemo went on to add:

“I no speak anglais. Where thee hoes?”

~ Carl Dalemo on no hoes

NME have also gone to state that they believe Razorlight to be "The zeitgeist holocaust in postmodern, dull post-post-post-punk-post-dull, guitar wankery, which we of course love! How about that ad for the new range of shockwave gell? We would talk more about new upcoming bands, but this contract for Maybelline hair spunk has to be mentioned 8 times before any musical musings! Oh, here comes the photographer!!!"

Resourceful Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan have recruited no fewer than 16,000 young jihadists by driving into their villages playing "Wo-oh-oah, there's trouble in America" from car radios. The association between fucking shit and irritating stodgy rock choruses and the eponymous America in the lyrics has brainwashed many thousands of young people into believing that America is the source of this turgid but global evil.

Looking ahead[edit]

Razorlight's next stage in the long, arduous process of making the world weep is to release a quadruple album of Johnny yelping like a wounded, half-mutilated sheep dog.

When questioned on the subject, Borrell said:


They also plan to spread their AIDS throughout Europe, including Ireland (Have they not got enough AIDS, damn it, what with Bono and all?) and Austria. When asked about the Austria gig, Johnny Borrell responded by saying "I'm Johnny fucking Borrell, what's your fucking problem? Do you want me to give you AIDS? 'Cause I'll do it! I've done it before to the lead singer of The Prodigy. I'm Johnny fucking Borrell."

Johnny Borrell also recently commented on greenhouse gas emissions and environmental issues by saying:


Keira Knightley, a famous stick insect and a fan of the "band", said:


Johnny Borell - "Our next album is set for number 1 within minutes. There are so many indie bands around these days with so many bands fighting to be different and stand out. To make sure our album is like no other it will only be released as a Word document through our website"

External links[edit]

Official Johnny Fucking Borell Cult - Not that anyone cares, though.