Rami Fortis

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Rami Fortis (Hebrew: רמי פורטיס‎) is a popular Israeli rock singer, widely regarded by Israelis as being the best thing since sliced hummus. Although he is not the official national singer, his songs of love, childhood and his status as a modern prophet have struck a chord with many Israeli citizens.

Fortis's biggest hit is "Waltz with Mathilda", a pun on the Anthem of Australia, "Waltzing Matilda", although besides the title it has nothing to do with the Australian song. A thriving industry of seducing tourists has been set up by many Israeli hot chicks, all claiming to be "the real Mathilda" mentioned in the song.

Biography[edit]

Birth and early years[edit]

Fortis was born in 1954 in Tel Aviv, and grew up with fellow-rock musician Berry Sakharof. Fortis wrote "Waltz with Mathilda" while fighting in the Yom Kippur War. While attempting to complete the song from his tank, Fortis was repeatedly subjected to gunfire by Egyptian troops until he finally cracked, opened fire at them, finished writing the song and called it done.

It was immediately hailed as a masterwork, and Fortis became rich and famous, his only quirk being that he would hide under a desk and weep whenever hearing the song "Royals" by Lorde.

The Lorde complex[edit]

Having prophetic powers, Fortis knew even back then that Lorde will someday cancel her show in Israel. This resulted in his Lorde complex. Lorde is a singer from New Zealand, so nobody particularly cares.

Official status[edit]

There have long been persistent calls for Rami Fortis to be either officially recognized as "The National Singer", which is the highest title of honor in Israel, over the current "Let's Keep On Rocking And Fuck Roger Waters", or banned from any future Lorde concerts and Peter Jackson movie screenings. Fortis's music is catchy and easily enjoyable even while trying to remember exactly what kind of kebab is currently being retasted, but the lyrics of "Waltz with Mathilda", narrating the story of a nerd who dreams of jumping into a Claude Monet painting, make Fortis unlikely to gain acceptance until sufficient quantities of hummus are consumed, which will make his recognition more logical.

Fortis briefly made world headlines when he opened for The Rolling Stones in their 2014 Israel concert, during which Israelis were forced to sing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" while desperately waiting to hear "Waltz with Mathilda" again. In recent years, the New Zealand singer Lorde has released "Royals", a modern Maori war-chant, in response to the Israeli music industry's rendition of "Waltzing Matilda". Although Lorde claims that "Royals" is meant as a response and challenge to the song, it is believed the real reason is a futile attempt to drown out the sound of Israeli crowds constantly cheering to the greatest rock bands in the world.

"Waltz with Mathilda"[edit]

A fucking European lady.

Reasons for the strong empathy Israelis feel for "Waltz with Mathilda" include:

Lyrics[edit]

Spoiler Warning!

A translation of the lyrics from Hebrew included.

And still I have a dream to suddenly land there
I wanna go to Israel
In the magical castle on the beach, in different times, swarmed with knights and glamorous princesses
And do a fucking concert
And there I bet I'll find some girl in my head and we'll do the perfect dance
And dance with my fans
Waltz with Mathilda, ooh, ooh
Dance, ooh, ooh
Waltz with Mathilda, ooh, ooh
Dance, ooh, ooh
In a strange town and ancient time, forth & sideways
Dancing in Tel Aviv with my fans
Me & Mathilda will slide on the marble
I'll dance with them on the floor


Intelligent ladies in white gloves and with painfully tight, skinny hips
But people are so uptight
Carriages & horses, watches in pockets, and allow me to turn & turn you around
And my family are scared for my safety
Are you tired love? Shall I order a carriage? We'll take a break & sit down...
I'm so tired of fucking arguing so I just said...
"NO!!!"
NO!!!
Waltz with Mathilda, ooh, ooh
Dance, ooh, ooh
Waltz with Mathilda, ooh, ooh
Dance, ooh, ooh
In a strange town and ancient time, forth & sideways
Dance in Tel Aviv with my fucking fans
Me & Mathilda will slide on the marble
On the motherfucking floor
Float in the past, no one is pushing, plenty room for everbody
No one will fucking push or kill me
We'll drink bubbling champagne on the porch, maybe I'll also have a mustache
We'll just drink some beer & dance
And above, a full moon will rise & light the enchanted couple
Maybe some cute guy will hit on me


Waltz with Mathilda, we'll join lips, cool as ice-cream, pyramid-breasts
Dance, Dance
Waltz with Mathilda, & I won't be saying...
I just wanna dance
I'll give you whatever you allow me to give
Don't give a shit about fucking politics

Music video[edit]

No music video exists for the song:

Fortis had to be forcibly restrained from making a video featuring Lucy Lawless, his favorite New Zealand Curb Your Enthusiasm guest star.