Pornography (full article)

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Even Uncyclopedia has its finger in the pornography pie, founding a sex-heavy dating website, and building its reputation on a strong "no-bullshit" policy.

“Say: 'I have never watched porn'.”

~ Test sentence used by opticians to check a patient's 'shifty eyes reflex'.

“What could a useless cunt like me do to get famous?”

~ Kim Kardashian, circa 2006, moments before saying the word 'porn'.

Pornography (often abbreviated as "porn", "porno", "p0rn", "prawn" or "old Man Porridge") is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal.

Pornography may be presented in a variety of media, including books, magazines, postcards, photographs, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video, and video games.

Comics, graphic novels, very graphic novels, graffiti, custom-made baseball mitts, tattoos, vegetables, murals, and desktop backgrounds.

Finger puppetry, GIF's, Morse code, origami, recorded phone messages, holograms, boardgames and architecture.

The term applies to the depiction of the act rather than the act itself, and so does not include live exhibitions like sex shows and striptease, which may cost extra.

The primary subjects of pornographic depictions are pornographic models, who pose for still photographs, and pornographic actors or porn stars, who perform in pornographic films. Female models and actors are often referred to by the blanket term "slut", and are often blanketed in fluids at the end of the working day.

Various groups within society have considered pornographic materials to be immoral and noxious, and attempted to have them suppressed under obscenity and other laws.

But you can't keep a good man down.

History

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The cock's ejaculate, to the left of the helmet, is not as clear as it once might have been, but that happens to us all with time.

The oldest artwork in the world, La Verga de la Cueva de El Castillo, which is thought to have been created 37,000 years ago in what is now Spain, is actually pornographic: it is a crude depiction of a cock, with semen leaping happily from the helmet.

Ancient civilisations also have a rich vein of interest in pornography. One of the British Museum's oldest exhibits is a Mesopotamian jug, dating from around 10,000 years ago. While any image it once featured has long since disappeared, it clearly bears the inscription "sukkal-a-ni disimud-de gu mu-na-de-e", roughly translated as "horny mom sucks and fucks".

Pornography, like prostitution and phone sex, has been present throughout modern history to supplement unfulfilling sex lives and to distract human beings from the threat of premature death at the hands of ague, tuberculosis, and invading foreign forces.

The one exception to this rule was the Victorian Era, in which sex itself was prohibited, and married men expressed their esteem for their good-lady wives via the now-lost art of romantic letters, which they enclosed in semen-filled envelopes that their spouses would duly use to inseminate themselves, before both drove in a horse and carriage to church to make confession.

Elements of pornography

The following section contains, necessarily, a great deal of graphic material. For the benefit of readers of a more nervous disposition, Uncyclopedia's editors have opted to hide any sensitive images. Readers who are happy to see such images can do so by hovering their cursor over them.

A primary element of pornography is the graphic presence of human genitalia, to wit, the male Fake penis.jpgpenis or the female Fake vagina.jpgvagina. It is worth noting that this gender distinction is simplistic, and in many forms of pornography, the subversion of this distinction is Thai 17.jpgkind of the whole point.

Homosexual pornography can be easily distinguished from heterosexual pornography due to the differences in junk on display. Male homosexuals invariably produce pornography involving scenes of Fake sodomy.jpgsodomy, while their female counterparts participate in various sexual acts in order to Fakeles.jpglezz it up to the max.

With the advent of cinema, the focus of pornography turned to the most cinematically-pleasing acts, with a premium suddenly being put on extreme acts of Fake head.jpgfellatio such as deepthroating, the glorification of the male orgasm with Fakefacial.jpgface-directed ejaculation shots, among other Fake penis man.jpgthings.

The late 20th century brought the internet to the masses, and with it came a huge spike in interest in more extreme forms of pornography, including Fake scat.jpgscatology and Fake kid.jpgpaedophilia.

Definition and distinction from other forms

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An interesting definition for porn, attributed to Winston Churchill, is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating.

Erotica

Erotica, on the other hand (if the other hand isn't occupied), is any picture or video you continue to show interest in after masturbating, or weren't that interested in in the first place, possibly because you only resorted to it because of a lack of available porn.

Both forms can provoke sighing, although in the case of pornography, it tends to be the sigh that accompanies an orgasm, while in the case of erotica, it is more likely to be a sigh provoked by the rather existential consideration of "How has my primal interest in sex led to me down this excruciatingly pretentious and tedious lane?"

Erotica, as the name implies, is of a European origin, and features a disproportionate amount of French women smoking cigarettes and being all smouldering and intense.

Softcore pornography

In this scene from softcore classic Body Chemistry IV, a man attempts to take Shannon Tweed from behind while he still has his pants up and she keeps her thong on.

Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on TV. It is easily distinguishable from its big brother, "hardcore", as it does not feature "the good stuff".

Instead, it often shows flashes of the actors in their underwear during the apparent "sex" scenes, as though to imply that the lusty adults in question are dry-humping. More agonising is that softcore porn often attempts to embed its gratuitous sex scenes into a kind of "plot" - usually one which qualifies the film as an "erotic thriller".

Very often these plots bear an uncanny resemblance to recent Hollywood movies, so softcore films can often be described as "Film X but with more sex": "Fatal Attraction but with more sex", "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle but with more sex," "the Human Centipede but with more sex", etc.

Softcore porn is often seen as the most hated category of porn: it is far too saucy for prudes, and not saucy enough for perverts, and so it falls between two stools.

Between Two Stools is, coincidentally, a series of porn films of a particularly hardcore nature.

Celebrity sextapes

Celebrity sextapes are graphic videos involving one or more famous person(s), but are not pornography in the true sense of the word because they do not feature, as our initial definition puts it, the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal.

By and large (not to be confused with Bi & Large, also a series of hardcore films), the sex in these tapes is nothing to write home about (note that your parents may complain when you do find pornography that you write home about). And far from being for the purpose of sexual arousal, the tapes are normally released for one of the following reasons:

  • A thief wants to profit from the tapes he found while robbing the celebrity's house/car (the Pamela Anderson principle, approximately 4% of cases).
  • An individual (especially an ex) wants to destroy a celebrity's reputation (approximately 27% of cases).
  • An individual wants to become famous, and so has a sextape "leaked" online (approximately 69% of cases).

Many of the videos in this last category are hard to watch due to their explicit nature - that is, how explicit it is that the protagonist is obviously seeking fame. To watch Paris Hilton as she is taken joylessly from behind - her yellow shining eyes staring at the lens as though trying to catch a glimpse of her future celebrity - is to voyage into the very heart of darkness.

Porn Stars

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As with many mainstream art forms, it can be hard to determine why some porn stars make it big, while others don't.

It is perfectly possibly to see an absolutely gorgeous girl with a perfect body in the grainiest, most amateur production, which gives the viewer hope he might be able to track down her Twitter page and ultimately her phone number. That's how restraining orders happen.

With that said, most successful porn actresses can nonetheless be categorised in the following manner:

  • Hollywood good looks: (e.g. Sunny Leone) the out and out stunner, who you could totally imagine playing the sexy female lead in a blockbuster, if you could only get the image of two men ejaculating on her face out of your mind.
  • Girl next door good looks: (e.g. Heather Harmon, Mia Khalifa) beautiful but in a less glamorous, more attainable way. More like the hottest girl on your street, but usually equipped with huge implants and an unusually positive attitude to anal sex.
  • Distorted archetypes: the blonde who looks like Barbie but with huge breasts and something-evil-about-the-face; the black star with literally the largest buttocks in the world (e.g. Cherokee D'ass), the Asian porcelain doll just waiting to be broken (Asa Akira), the tiny Latina (Little Lupe) who, although 21, looks about 14, and that makes you feel all bad inside and wonder about what we really desire and how much of it is about all the times we didn't get laid as teenagers, and about the way society conditions us to lust after the youthful.
  • Swamp donkeys: (e.g. Lisa Ann) the pig-dog ugly beasts who, due to the possession of some kind of x-factor, are still extremely famous porn stars. Porn academics have proposed that there is a sexy-nasty continuum, and as long as there is enough nasty in there, a woman can become famous without actually being attractive.

Men

The success of male porn stars is even more difficult to predict. Generally speaking they are disembodied penises, with the majority of their bodies out of frame to allow their female costars to occupy as much of the screen as possible.

Occasionally they speak off-camera, although with certain actors - especially Slavic ones - opening their mouth at all is actively discouraged.

While there is a tendency towards the muscular and well-hung, this is, by no means, always the case. There are a number of ugly, out of shape and not particularly male well-endowed porn stars, but being ugly and out of shape doesn't necessarily mean you get to be a porn star, as many Uncyclopedians will testify.

Pornographic tropes

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While pornography is, in theory, as wide and as varied as the human imagination, it can be largely classified into a handful of tropes. If your hand still isn't occupied.

Housewives are all nymphos

This trope - based around the bored housewife, the divorcee, the school mistress, the friend's mother etc - revolves around the idea that the male protagonist (and thus the male viewer) grew up in the wrong generation. Instead of being with his teenage partner who doesn't even like to get semen on her fingernails, he should turn his attention to the endless stream of girls 20 years his senior, who are just waiting to be sodomised, facialised, spat on, sat on and shat on.

Young girls are all nymphos

This trope - based around the step-daughter, the schoolgirl, the college student, the auditioning actress, etc - revolves around the idea that the male protagonist (and thus the male viewer) grew up in the wrong generation. Instead of being with his thirty-something partner who doesn't even like to get semen on her fingernails, he should turn his attention to the endless stream of girls 20 years his junior, who are just waiting to be sodomised, facialised, spat on, sat on and shat on.

Cheerleaders are all nymphos

Strictly speaking this is a sub-genre of Young girls are all nymphos, but the popularity of the cheerleader trope is such that it warrants its own mention. It is founded on the idea that - of all the girls in the world - American ones are the sluttiest, and that of all American sluts, cheerleaders are the biggest ones. Where this idea comes from is unknown, but presumably it is linked to the fact that a blowjob in American parlance is "third base", while among women of other nationalities, the frequency of the act correlates more with that of a triple play. Whatever the reason, cheerleaders are fetishised all around the world, even in countries that have no culture of cheerleading, or, indeed, of being cheerful.

Bettie Page was noted for her role in the bestiality stag film loop, The Harlot and the Knuckle Dragger!

Girls of other races/nationalities are all nymphos

This trope - based around the guileless Asian, the nasty, bootlicious ghetto rat, the smoking smouldering Frenchie, the strutting Aryan German blonde, etc - revolves around the idea that the male protagonist (and thus the male viewer) grew up in the wrong country. Instead of being with his domestic partner who doesn't even like to get semen on her fingernails, he should turn his attention to the endless stream of girls that are of a different race, creed, or nationality than him, and who are just waiting to be sodomised, facialised, spat on, sat on and shat on.

Animals are all nymphos

Not to be confused with dog porn, Bestiality, sometimes misspelled as Beastiality or wanna lick lipstick dog dick (try saying that drunk), is the act of sex with a non-homo sapien. Popular animal partners include: the dog, the horse, the snake, the (jellied) eel, the sheep (wellington boots optional), and the goat - (a speciality in Jamaica). Mostly performed for shock value, although occasionally a cash prize is involved.

Of all forms of pornography, bestiality is especially offensive to Christians, who are often moved to cite Leviticus 18:23: "Thou shalt not haveth sexual relations with an animal and defile thyself with it; that is a perversion. Seriously, for My sake, will thou stoppeth having sex with My animals. Yay verily, I should not even haveth to say this one unto thee."

The end of pornography

Pornographic works always end in the same way.

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Pornography in the news

See also

  The Seven Deadly Sins          
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Greed Wrath Gluttony Pornography Envy Indifference SPAM
How can you even think of such things?
 

Pornography (full article) is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.

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