Paul Robeson
“Workers of The World Unite... by singing... em... Negro Spirituals!”
Paul Robeson was the greatest singer ever until it was revealed that he was a traitor Commie bastard, when he handed over his title to Freddie Mercury. He is renowned for such hits as Ol' Man Lenin, My Red-armieded baby, Trotsky fit de battle of Potemkin, Nobody Knows the Crony-Capitalism I've Seen, and Swing Low Sweet Comrade.
Before the revelation, he was also known as an actor, King of Wales, American footballer, linguist, philosopher, literary genius, superhero, Jesus, god, goddess and black man.
Career as a singer[edit | edit source]
Paul Robeson had a bass/baritone voice that was known for defeating the Nazis, causing Isaac Newton to discover gravity and delaying Armageddon 450 years. In The Philadelphia Inquirer in 1928 it was reported that robins, finches and pigeons often had instant orgasms within a 5-mile vicinity of Robeson's singing.
However he decided to instead use his voice for evil by being a Communist.
Writer[edit | edit source]
Robeson is known for such admired works as Othello, Little Black Sambo, Joel Chandler Harris, The Birth of a Nation, and the 13th Amendment, all publications that have now been censored for containing Communism.
But it was with his treatise Capital, a 15-year observation of the flawed system of industry and commodity in London, for which he garnered the most controversy. It has been claimed that the very same book had earlier been written by Karl Marx, and Robeson never really escaped critics who claimed that he was a plagiarist.
In 1948, after defeating Superman, who was secretly Satan, Paul Robeson decided to (was forced under order of the US Supreme Court) retire from his long and illustrious writing career, paraphrasing from his novel Lethal Weapons: 'I'm too old for this shit' in an interview with FBI Interrogations magazine.
Actor[edit | edit source]
Robeson starred in many plays, Broadway shows and movies, such as Showboat (Broadway show in 1927; movie in 1936), Jericho/Dark Sands (1937), The Proud Valley (1940), and the perhaps less successful House Un-American Activities Committee (1950).
He broke many records with his performances in these films, for instance his role in 1946's A Private Audience with Mr. Stalin as the first black man to be seen in Moscow.
Filmography[edit | edit source]
Hey Mama Lookit the Funny Negroe! (Dir: Eleanor Wilson McAdoo 1921 USA Comedy Silent 7mins)
Broadway Revue 1927 (Dir: N/A 1927[duh] USA Newsreel Silent 5mins)
The Slave Song (Dir: Howard Goodall 1931 USA Documentary Talkie 23mins)
Why we don't let in Jews, Dogs or N****rs: the KKK story (Dir: Grand Whackamaymay Wizardeedoo 1934 Ku Klutz Klan Promotional Film Silent 15mins)
Showboat (Dir: Harry-Pooner Whale 1936 USA Feature Musical Talkie 113mins)
(skip a few)
Joseph McCarthy on the Evils of Communism (Dir: N/A 1952 USA Comedy[citation needed] 35mins)
Showboat: The Shit Version (Dir: Noel Coward 1957 UK Musical 213mins)
The Singing Madman on the Streets of Philadelphia (Dir: N/A 1964 USA Documentary 98mins)
The Criterion Collection currently sells a complete series of Robeson's films, which are on sale at the moment for a modest tuppence that you would otherwise waste away paying 5 years' rent.
American Football[edit | edit source]
During Robeson's tenure at Rutgers University, he played American football because he figured that since he was large and black he'd probably play well. He was right, and became not only the first black man but also the first non-extra terrestrial to showboat[Geddit?!] by singing a slave spiritual after bludgeoning President Woodrow Wilson for not admitting him into Princeton.
Other Careers[edit | edit source]
After Robeson was excommunicated from the High Church of Hollywood, he had many odd jobs.
Pneumonia patient[edit | edit source]
Between September and October 1961 Robeson found a job as a pneumonia patient. It was very short-lived as he was deemed too suicidal and mentally problematic from the CIA's hazing to be fit enough.
Civil-rights activist[edit | edit source]
In November 1961 Robeson fought for Civil Rights in America because he reckoned he'd make the cause more popular with his famous face. Unfortunately no one listened to him because he was a Commie.
Hobo[edit | edit source]
From 1962 up until his death, Robeson did what would have looked to the uninformed passer-by like starring in a musical adaptation of his book Stig of The Dump. But alas it wasn't, and many noticed that singing 'Change please!' wasn't his usual musical fare.