The Godmother's Myth
Patti Smith was called The Godmother of Punk. Jesus died for somebody's sins but not hers. So she wrote in her legendary breakthrough song, Gloria. Patti was considered very important by Bob Dylan and The Velvet Underground. Two of her latest albums, Gung Ho & Trampin', were very fruitful indeed. They were just perfect albums. But until this very day, a myth exists about Patti which says that Patti was never worth something. The myth claims that Patti has only one hit, and even that is really a Bruce Springsteen song. He is The Boss, after all. If he does a duet with someone, it is automatically his song and his alone.
Is "Because The Night" a Bruce Springsteen song? Well, let's check Wikipedia, shall we? According to The Internet's official encyclopedia, it is definitely Patti's song, released as a single from her album Easter. But we are not on Wikipedia right now, are we? No, my sweet ones. We are on Uncyclopedia. And what does Uncyclopedia sound like? That's right. It sounds exactly like Aunt Lydia. And who does Aunt Lydia sound like, being all Godmothery and Biblical? Patti Smith, of course. So who are you going to believe, The Godmother of Punk or Wikipedia? Patti Smith never has a hit because she is PUNK ROCK. "Because The Night" is of Bruce and that is that. No hit shall be identified with Patti.
Does Patti belong to Jesus? Of course she does. All of us belong to him. Patti must understand that as important and fruitful as she may be, she will always belong to Jesus. Even if she doesn't like it. But along with greatness comes sacrifice. Patti has spoken blasphemy against our Lord Jesus, and for that she must be punished. Patti has always claimed that Israel was worthless. She wrote a song called "Qana" which deals with Israelis murdering Lebanese children. Basically, she did to Israel what the world has done to her: she created a myth about Israel being worthless so that no one will have to listen to Biblical Jewish bullshit anymore. So in order to receive her own Uncyclopedia article, the song "Qana" must be amputated from Patti's career.
Shall we begin?
“If a myth, bring him to me in a bottle. If a man, bring him to me in chains.”
– Seti,The Ten Commandments
This is Alice in Chains' new song, "The One You Know". From now on, it will replace the song "Qana" in Patti Smith's catalog. Whenever you listen to this song, think of it as Ofalice in Chains. Because Patti is the Godmother of Alice, too.
Or Patti will forever be known as Ofgloria. Which is exactly like Ofbruce, only totally gay.