Operation Versagen Sie
Operation Versagen Sie was one of the most-likely-to-be-successful assassination attempts against Hitler's life. Plot members includes a disillusioned ex-Nazi, Colonel Claus von Strauffenberg; Lieutenant Aldo Raine the Apache, an American military man who suffered from insanity since his cocaine addiction; a French Jew, Shosanna Einstein (under the identity of Emmanuelle Mimieux); a British M16 agent, James Bond (under the identity Lieutenant Archie Hicox); a German double-agent spy who works part time as an actress, Bridget von Hammersmith; and the leader of the whole conspiracy of it all, Hans Landa "the Jew hunter".
Due to the complexity of the situation, there were actually several conspiracies going at simultaneously. One of them was Operation Kino, which included an American infantry of Jewish-Americans backed by the British government. Another plot, Operation Valkyrie, included a group of ex-Nazis intending to bring down the Nazi government to establish a more liberal and socialist one. The last one, which was nearly forgotten in history, was a conspiracy plot with a cinema proprietress and her Negro boyfriend.
The main reason how these groups decided to assassinate Hitler simultaneously was partially because of his final decision to attend a premiere to see a Nazi propaganda film, Stolz der Nation (A Nation's Pride), as the for the film premiere. The highest Nazi officials, from Himmler (who directed the movie) to Goering, were attending. In this massive screw-up, all of the assassination plots were 100% dependable on chance, fate, probability, and Einstein's theory of Relativity.
Operation Kino[edit | edit source]
Operation Kino was one of the colored conspiracy theories of all time. Each of the participants had diverse history of awesomeness; alone, Operation Kino was recently voted "Most likely to kill Hitler" by the International Neo-Nazi Committee. Operation Kino also inspired many other crappy conspirators, most whom were too pussy or stupid to even kill their targets. As a result, Historians link Operation Kino to be the influence to the CIA to attempt to kill Fidel Castro by poisoning his cigars.
Note: Nowadays American history books insist Hans Landa, a former Nazi Colonel in the Waffen-SS, had arranged all the plots in Operation Versagen Sie. However, many conspiracy theories aspired from other sources. Hans Landa had declined for an interview, as he prefers isolation in his mansion in Nantucket instead of absolute fame among media. Aldo Raine, on the other hand, was enthusiastic to participate on this commentary, and therefore this story portrays the controversy theory instead of the actual history. Our apologies to Herr Landa, but our appreciation to Mr. Raine for his free autobiography, Killing Nazis: How I got into Carnegie.
The Beginning of the Legend[edit | edit source]
It all started with an American bootlegger named Aldo Raine. Nicknamed Aldo the Apache, Mr. Raine became notorious for his psychological disorders; anger management, biopolar disorder, mental instability, and chronic diarrhea. His leadership skills were unquestioned, as he had won the Nobel Prize in Awesomeness, so was consequently promoted Lieutenant General by General Eisenhower himself.
When news of World War II reached America through the attack Pearl Harbor, Lieutenant Raine was enthusiastic. Despite pleas from his therapist, marriage counselor, doctor, and his Rabbi, Lieutenant Raine eagerly signed up to join the army. His first assigned job was to convert all his soldiers to Judaism, then he held a rigorous military-training program to brainwash them as war machines (he adapted similar tactics that Hitler used on the Germans).
Eventually, Lieutenant Raine's finally task arrived: D-Day. In 1944, the Allies had landed on Normandy, and D-Day formerly begun when the Nazis realized this was actually an invasion. By then, the Americans and British had bulldozed through Europe. During this time, One of the infantry had broken away, as they were lost in the Argon Forest. This group became known as the Unrühmliche Bastarde, which is English for I don't give a fuck, or Inglorious Bastards for short. This unique group of talented snipers and martial art masters grew legendary. Some of these American myths were honored with famous nicknames that lasted their entire lifetime; indeed, when The Little Man received the Congressional Medal from President Truman, he had the medal commissioned with his nickname carved on the back. Even Bear Jew was inducted in the National Baseball Hall of Fame as Bear Jew, not as Chuck Norris.
The Inglorious Bastards compensated for their sense of direction by ambushing and attacking Nazis with guerrilla and terrorist tactics that the modern world had not yet seen. The 1,000 Nazi scalps, collected from their path, still hang on Smithsonian Institute of History to this day. Such panic spread among the German troops... rumors spoke of them as Golems Guardians from the Holocaust. Such gossip even reached Hitler's ears in Berlin, where he berated against Goering and Himmler for not capturing such inexperienced American soldiers. Eventually, when news of this "revolt" reached Winston Churchill, he first expressed profound amazement, followed by admiration, inspirational passion, and sexual orgy. After suppressing his true feelings, Churchill ordered immediate British aid to the Inglorious Bastards. One M16 agent, famously known as James Bond, begged Churchill to discharge his service as bodyguard and be given the opportunity to participate with the Bastards in a secret mission. After an enormous amount of consideration for thirty seconds, Churchill agreed before taking an aspirin. Coincidentally, James Bond is contacted by one of his friends, a double agent spy named Bridget von Hammersmith, a colleague from Bond's playboy years. Due to the German spies regulating her cellphone, she could not disperse the information over via AT&T, but it involved an immediate secret mission and intense action. So James Bond dresses up in a SS uniform, brushes his teeth, combs his hair in three directions, puts on cologne, gets a faked passport under the code name of Lt. Archie Hicox, and flies to Paris on a private airplane.
Operation Kino had begun.
Proper Introduction between American bastard and British snob[edit | edit source]
Once James Bond arrived, another British M16 agent in disguise of a French hobo directed him to his briefing. There he expected to be informed of his mission and to be given directions. Unfortunately, the other participants of the meeting took a "you're on your own bitch" approach, handling him a GPS that beeps whenever it comes contact to Jews. Additionally, James Bond was was forced to find the Bastards that night. Seeing James Bond grumpy, the other members served him expensive wine to make him happy. Eventually, James Bond realized the only reason why the meeting was holding place was because Bridget von Hammersmith had ordered it. Furthermore, none of British present knew a thing going on. Irritated but imaginative, James Bond attempted to lead the meeting, which by now was out of control because everyone was smoking marijuana. When one Brit started playing the piano, James Bond lost his temper and launched a tirade. After dropping enough f-bombs to cause several to cry, James Bond stormed out of the meeting upset.
Meanwhile, James Bond's M16 agent friend (the one that dressed as a French hobo) found the Inglorious Bastards and arranged a meeting for them with James Bond (who was introduced as Archie Hicox to the Bastards) in a basement of a French Tavern. How he found them is unknown; but then again, some people do get information by dressing up as a French hobo during charades. This particular agent also contacted both James Bond and Bridget von Hammersmith to arrive in the French Tavern too.
When the Bastards arrived, they were particularly disappointed, especially Aldo Raine. All of them had expected the British to provide a welcome reception with truffles, Scottish liquor, candles lit with incense, and royal rugs of velvet. Instead they were put into the basement of a French Tavern that hadn't been employing a janitor nor paid the water bill for the bathroom. Crouching among the sewer pipes and nursing their self-esteem, the Bastards were on the verge of leaving when James Bond arrived. James Bond by now had cooled down his temper by visiting a whorehouse, so he arrived with a crisp and cheerful attitude and several Nazi uniforms. His first initial act was to segregate the Bastards into two groups: those who speak English and those who speak German (there was only one, Sergeant Hugo Stliglitz). After putting on more cologne, forcing Stiglitz to put on the uniform, and forcing Stiglitz to swear not to flirt with his former girlfriend, James Bond cheerfully reveals a secret trapdoor that lead to the French Tavern itself. As they left, Lieutenant Raine asks Stiglitz to collect more Nazi scalps because most of them sell for ninety dollars each on the black market.
The Great Cafe Skirmish[edit | edit source]
When Hugo Stiglitz and James Bond arrived at the bottom of the stairs, they discovered a foxy Bridget von Hammersmith entertaining an entire squadron of German soldiers. Apparently, one of the soldiers, Sergeant Wilhelm, had fathered an illegitimate child (named "Maximilian") with a French prostitute, and to coax his depression was getting drunk with his drinking pals. Hammersmith felt sorry for him, and began to play drinking games with his friends. Shocked, dismayed, furious, and frightened, James Bond attempts to persuade Bridget von Hammersmith in crude sign language to come over. One of the Nazis, Major Dieter Hellstrom, finds this so curious and fascinating that he annoyingly follows Hammersmith to her table with her companions. Once in the plight of an awkward and uncomfortable situation, the three friends tries to hold a rather "Nazi" conversation together. Here is part of a dialogue caught on tape from a security camera.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Ich denke, dass wir uns vorher getroffen haben. (I think that we met before.)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Wirklich? Ist das so? (Really? Is that so?)
Soon, Hugo Stiglitz, being Hugo Stiglitz, began to provide limited responses to Hellstrom's questions. Instead, Stiglitz began to substitute answers with glares of disgust, which went obviously noticed by Major Hellstrom himself. As the problem was leading to the inevitable, James Bond tried to enlighten and relieve the tension by telling corny jokes.
James Bond: Wie zwingen Sie fünfzig Juden in ein Auto? (How do you get fifty Jews in a car?)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Es ist wirklich einfach. Just lädt sie in einen Van mit vorgehaltener Waffe. (It is quite easy, actually. Just load them into a van at gunpoint.)
James Bond: Nien, wie werfen einen Pfennig drin! (No, you throw you penny inside!)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Das hängt von der Jude. (I think it depends on the Jew.)
James Bond: Wie erhalten Sie sie draußen? (How do you get them out?)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Legen Sie sie aus einem Lieferwagen mit vorgehaltener Waffe? (Load them out of a van at gunpoint?)
James Bond: Nein, sagen Sie ihnen Hitler treibt! (No, you tell them Hitler is driving!)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Das könnte funktionieren... (That might work...)
James Bond: Weißt du, wie viele Juden in einem Volkswagen fit? (Do you know how many Jews fit in a Volkswagen?)
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: [to Bond, quietly] James...?
James Bond: [to Stiglitz, quietly] Yeah?
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: [to Bond] Shut up.
Through this conversation Major Dieter Hellstrom realized James Bond had a British accent. This was clearly unusual, as he was dressed as a Nazi Captain along with Stiglitz. Stiglitz and von Hammersmith were both German natives, and they managed to pass by as German citizens. James Bond, unfortunately, was not. His attempts of humor were ineffective. In fact, they raised tensions. Bridget von Hammersmith tries to enlighten the situation by persuading all her colleagues, including Hellstrom, to get drunk. So Hellstrom orders five gallons Scottish beer, James Bond orders three cups of wine, and Stiglitz (as usual) orders over-caffeinated coffee. Then James Bond made a fatal mistake: he toasted "Buen apetito" instead of "Guten Appetit". Then history recorded this following famous conversation:
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Ich muss sagen, dass ich müde dieser Monkeyshines (I must say I grow weary of these monkeyshines.)
[Maj. Hellstrom aims his Walther pistol at Lt. Hicox's under a table and loads]
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Hast du das gehört? Das war der Klang meiner Walther. Spitzer direkt an Ihrem Hoden. (Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.)
James Bond: Warum haben Sie Ihre Walther wies auf meine Hoden? (Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Da haben Sie gerade selbst verschenkt, Captain. Du bist nicht mehr deutsche als Scotch. (Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.)
James Bond: Nun, Major... (Well, Major...)
Bridget von Hammersmark: Major... (Major...)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: - Schnauze, Schlampe. Sie sagten? (- Shut up, slut. You were saying?)
James Bond: Ich sagte damals, dass zwei von uns macht. Ich habe eine Waffe hatte, zeigte auf, da Sie Ihre Bälle setzte. (I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.)
[Stiglitz takes Hellstrom by the shoulder and aggressively forces a gun against his crotch]
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Das macht uns drei. Und in diesem Bereich, ich bin ein echter Frederick Zoller. (That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Sieht aus wie wir haben ein bisschen von einer klebrigen Situation hier. (Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.)
James Bond: Was passieren wird, Major ... Du wirst aufstehen und gehen hin, dass Tür mit uns. (What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.)
Major Dieter Hellstrom: Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein. Ich glaube nicht. Ich fürchte, Sie und I. .. wir beide wissen, Captain ... egal was geschieht, um jemand anderes in diesem Raum ... die zwei von uns sind nicht überall. Schade um Sergeant Wilhelm und seine berühmten Freunde. Wenn einer von euch zu leben, erwarten, haben Sie, um sie zu erschießen. Sieht aus wie kleine Max aufwachsen ein Waisenkind. Wie traurig. (No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid you and I... we both know, Captain... no matter what happens to anybody else in this room... the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.)
James Bond: Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if we go out speaking the King's.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: By all means, Captain.
James Bond: [picks up his glass of scotch] There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily... [drinks his scotch]
James Bond: I must say, damn good stuff, Sir. [sets his glass down and smokes his cigarette]
James Bond: Now, about this pickle... we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only thing left for you to do.
Major Dieter Hellstrom: And what would that be?
James Bond: [to Stiglitz] Stiglitz.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: Say "auf Wiedersehen" to your Nazi balls.
[Stiglitz fires his gun into Hellstrom's crotch]
To make the story short, the French tavern was converted to a 19th century American wild west cowboy saloon. Guns were drawn, men swore in drunken stupor, women shrieked, beer bottles flew, yee-haws were screeched, and the bartender whipped out an automatic machine gun and killed nearly everyone, Rambo style. By the time the mess was over, everyone, except for Sergeant Wilhelm, James Bond, and Bridget von Hammersmith, was dead. Hammersmith, being an intelligent women, played dead. Bond was nearly as intelligent; he also played dead, but that was due to the fact that he was unconscious. Sergeant Wilhelm, on the other hand, wasn't as sensitive. Struggling to retain his sanity, he machine-gunned Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz over again. Wilhelm stood on the floor with trembling legs and sweaty palms as he gasped in deep breaths, unconsciously aware that he had urinated in his pants. As he gripped the bartender's machine gun, his vision blurred within his tears. His screams of pain, suffering, and insanity echoed across the hall, which was well received by Aldo Raine before the Bastards exploded into the room.
The Plan[edit | edit source]
After Aldo Raine broke his foot on Wilhelm's sorry ass, he dragged Bridget von Hammersmith upstairs by her ear. Believing the double-agent was working for the Nazis, Aldo Raine threatened to amputate her legs with his finger. Bridget von Hammersmith resisted, insisting she was actually working for the British. To convince them, Bridget von Hammersmith told them two secrets:
1. The Nazis were holding a premiere for top Nazi officials in a small French theatre.
2. Hitler was attending.
Once given this information, Aldo Raine fell into a blissful state; singing lullabies, he tap-danced around the room like a professional ballerina. Once his first objective was completed, he fell serious, and took a big sniff of cocaine before continuing on further. "Men," he roared, "we must act now!" To which Bridget von Hammersmith responded with a "how?" This reduced Aldo Raine in thought once more.
As Aldo Raine trampled, paced, and marched around the room, Bridget von Hammersmith relayed her information. Dressing up as Nazis, she said, was obviously stupid. Security would demand for ID or bribery. And right on the spot, she composed a beautiful plan.
1. Dress up as Italian superstars (actors).
2. Loiter in the lobby
Aldo Raine perfected the rest of the rest of the plan:
4. Sneak behind Hitler
5. Shoot the fuck out of Hitler
When Hammersmith asked who was involved in the mission, Raine pointed that "Well, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort. Chuck Norris (The Bear Jew) speaks the second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman. Bernie-Ernie Goldman (The Little Man) speaks third most, so he'll be Chuck's assistant. Israel Joe speaks the fourth most, so he'll be my annoying sidekick." To which Israel Joe responded with a "I don't speak any Italian." Infuriated, Raine snapped, "Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin' mouth shut. In fact, why don't you start practicing, right now!"
So within the basement of that tavern, plans of Hitler's assassination were hatched that consequently was rated "Most likely to Kill Hitler."
Operation Valkyrie[edit | edit source]
Operation Valkyrie, or its preferred German name, Unternehmen Walküre, is one of the most popular attempts against Hitler's life. This is because most of the conspirators were Nazis. Misled by American propaganda, these ex-Nazis not only tried to kill Hitler, they also tried to rudely seize the German government. Influenced by propaganda, money, fame, alcohol, and free prostitutes, this group of ex-Nazis included General Friedrich Olbricht, Major General Henning von Tresckow, Minister of Propaganda Dr. Paul Joseph Göebbels, and the most famous of all, Colonel Claus Schenk Graf von Strauffenberg (also know as Deutsch-bag by the Nazis).
Colonel Claus Schenk Graf von Strauffenberg[edit | edit source]
Recently, this conspiracy group of ex-Nazis had already attempted to assassinate Hitler by poisoning his favorite V8 vegetable juice (by then Hitler had became vegetarian). However, Hitler had an inflated kidney stone, as he never drank out of the bottle. Humiliated by their failure, this group recruits Colonel Claus von Strauffenberg, a pure genius compared to these gorillas.
Colonel Claus Strauffenberg was a cripple; after a vacation in Africa, he gained a STD disease that resulted in the loss of a hand and an eye. Consequently Stauffenberg initiated the pirate fashion movement, which eyepatches were becoming quite popular. Long story short, Strauffenberg impresses everybody with the fact that he could pop his eyeball in and out while he flexes his biceps. This is basically how Strauffenberg gets in with the group. Through investments in French whorehouses, Strauffenberg outbribes his rivals and becomes the head of the this ex-Nazi group.
The Plan[edit | edit source]
To sum it up, all their boring discussions involved Hitler, beer, Hermann Goering's cookies, politics, Hitler, America's awesomeness, French babes, and Hitler. Expectedly these discussions were slow and irrelevant, which forced some members to take some serious badass individual action.
Henning von Tresckow went off to get drunk.
Strauffenberg went off and bought a crate of nitroglycerin.
Olbricht, being a sneaky bastard, designed an amendment (known as Operation Valkyrie) that would declare martial law and give complete power to the Heer (the Army land forces component of the German armed forces). The Heer was required, in this amendment, to have every Nazi official shot and anally molested by a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, this amendment could only be carried out if Germany was under a coup "from the inside." Hitler read up to "anally molested by a grizzly bear" and immediately signed Operation Valkyrie into law.
Eventually, the group finally got back on track and formulated the following plan:
1. Set off nitroglycerin near Hitler in the French theatre, hopefully killing him.
2. Take advantage of the confusion to announce over the radio (through Göebbels) that a coup is taking place.
3. Claim that the coup was planned by other Nazi officials.
4. Pop out champagne bottles while watching Operation Valkyrie on Berlin TV.
5. Make bets who'll get shot and raped first: Hermann Goering or Heinrich Himmler.
6. Once the fun is over, claim to be the Fourth Reich.
7. Fix all the shit Hitler caused: end war, free Jews, shit like that.
8. Pop out more champagne bottles.
The Revenge of the Giant Face[edit | edit source]
Last of all, a famous actor named Frederick Zoller had convinced Himmler to move the premiere from the Ritz to a smaller French cinema because it gave the opportunity to pick up some French chicks. This cinema turned out to be owned by Shosanna Einstein. Shosanna Einstein, on the other hand, had miraculously survived the holocaust by posing as an illegal prostitute in a Dairy farm. Unfortunately, a Nazi sergeant named Hans Landa stormed in and infiltrated the whorehouse when he machine-gunned the basement due to his paranoia and fear of rats. Having fled the scene, at the right moment, she nursed her anger and her emotional trauma within the backstage of her theater.
Shosanna was an unusual girl; she led a sexual relationship with her employee, an African native, despite the political atmosphere in Vichy France. Coincidentally, her black employee wore a "Hitler mustache" and tendered to even dress like hitler. As a Jew, she refused to flee to the safe havens of America and Britain. Rather, she preferred flirting with Nazi actors by day and spending insomniac nights screaming into pillows. Regrettably, the Nazi officials only recorded him as a criminal (an accomplice in Shosanna's plot), his job (a janitor in Shosanna's theatre), and his nickname (Nigga Lévesque).
Nowadays contemporary Historians disagree over this "assassination attempt". Some argue that Shosanna and Nigga Lévesque also plotted to murder Hitler by burning the entire theatre to the ground. Other historians claim that they were merely plotting a prank, and the arson of the theatre was unrelated to politics. Whatever the case, their actions resulted in "an indirect attempt of assassination" on Adolf Hitler.