MonsterQuest

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Witnesses around the world report seeing monsters. Are they real, or imaginary? Science searches for the answers on MonsterQuest.

Do sea monsters really dwell beneath the waves of the world’s oceans? Do dinosaurs still survive in remote parts of the African Rainforest? Did brutal Soviet dictator Josef Stalin attempt to fund an army of man-ape hybrids?

Science and the academic community have yet to find the answers. For this reason, the History Channel has developed MonsterQuest, a television program 100% devoted to discovering the truth of these and other highly contentious matters. MonsterQuest—part of a new block of quality programming that includes Ice Road Truckers, MysteryQuest, Ice Road Truckers, and Ice Road Truckers—is known for holding itself to the strictest and most stringent of standards, like consulting only the most respected academics and interviewing no more than six lower-middle-class people from Middle America per episode.

The Premise

Every year, residents of the American Southwest report seeing strange things. Unexplained lights in the sky. Ghastly cattle mutilations. Bone-chilling ghost activity. Bizarre sightings of a bipedal ape-like creature known as Bigfoot. Sightings of each have attracted substantial media attention. But could these heretofore-unexplained occurrences all be…related?

Enter Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot: a cryptid whose existence would single-handedly explain the throng of bizarre occurrences that the American Southwest is so known for. But does this bizarre creature actually exist? Though most scientists doubt the existence of such a being, and there is little to no evidence that even so much as hints at its existence, and even some of the people who think that they’ve seen Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot aren’t so sure anymore, there are a few key witnesses that are adamant about what they think they might have seen, maybe.

Background Information

This grainy still from the Patterson-Gimlin film remains the most conclusive evidence of the existence of Corporal Terrestrial Bigfoot to date.

In the summer of 1947, an as-of-yet unidentified flying object crashed in the desert outside of Roswell, New Mexico. Among the wreckage were strange, metallic-looking metals and—allegedly—the corpses of extraterrestrial aliens. The United States Army Air Force issued a statement saying that a flying disk had been found, only to rescind it the next day. By then, however, the damage had been done, and UFO fever swept the country.

Meanwhile, in California, twenty years later, Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin were riding their horses along a riverbed in Northern California, their lives about to be changed forever. Unlike most people that encounter megafauna unknown to science, however, one thing set them apart—they were fortunate enough to have a camera with them. To this day, the forty seconds of grainy, shaky, out-of-focus, inconclusive film they shot remains the best and most compelling evidence for the existence of North America’s most famous cryptid—Bigfoot.

Meanwhile, in Puerto Rico, thirty years later, residents of the island’s many small villages began reporting bizarre cases of cattle and poultry mutilations. Naturally, they collectively jumped to the most logical conclusion: the mutilations were the work of an extraterrestrial bat-like creature, which they dubbed El Chupacabras. To this day, so much as a blurry photograph has yet to be taken of the creature, but many are adamant about its existence nonetheless.

Meanwhile, in Tunguska forest, Russia, eighty years earlier, an as-of-yet-unidentified object exploded several miles above the surface of the Earth, causing massive destruction and releasing unearthly amounts of radiation. Though most evidence points to either a comet or rocky asteroid being the culprit, the possibility that the body was in fact a giant extraterrestrial spacecraft searching for fresh water in Lake Baikal cannot be completely ruled out.

Though all of these strange occurrences are still rigorously debated in fringe sections of the academic community, one baseless presumption stands out above all others: all can be explained by the existence of Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot.

Potentially Dubious Eyewitness Accounts

One man that claims to have seen Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot is Michael Duffield, who claims to have seen the creature while driving home from work:

MQI1.jpg





Duffield is far from alone in seeing the creature, however. Michel Cooker, a stay-at-home mother from Kentucky, describes her encounter with the beast:

MQI2.jpg








But perhaps the most compelling account of all has to be the one given by avid camper and racketball enthusiast James Leckie:

MQI3.jpg









A Fringe Academic Submits a Chilling Theory

Fox Holzer, the chair of the department of Subterranean Cryptozoology at the University of Georgia, has a chilling theory that might explain sightings of the creature:

MQF1.jpg







Commercial Break

MQ2.jpg

The Premise, Again, Which Is Repeated at the Return From Every Commercial Break

Every year, a throng of unexplained paranormal activity occurs in the American Southwest. Things ranging from alien abductions to run-ins with the legendary Bigfoot have all but baffled most outside observers. However, these bizarre occurrences may finally be explained by the supposed existence of a cryptid known as Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot.

Another Fringe Academic Submits an Even More Chilling Theory

Professor Heinrich Overy of Cambridge University has his own ideas about Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot:

MQF2.jpg









Inconclusive Conclusion

And so science may never know whether or not Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot exists, at least for the foreseeable future. Some things, however, are certain: circumstantial evidence of Extraterrestrial Ghost Bigfoot is nothing if not compelling, Professors Fox Holzer and Heinrich Overy are adamant in their claims that they know what they’re talking about, and—most chillingly of all—James Leckie, Michel Cooker and Michael Duffield are all pretty sure of the thing that they think they might have seen, maybe.

A New Episode of Ice Road Truckers

MQ3.jpg

See Also

Featured.png

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 3 November 2009
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/03 November 2009Template:FA/2009Template:FQ/03 November 2009Template:FQ/2009