Mike Christ
Mike Christ, (January 6AD - October 55AD), born Michael Alan Christ in Nazareth, Galilee - was a successful outdoor caterer and entrepreneur, best known for inventing the onion as a cheap filler for burgers and hot-dogs. Success followed his invention and in just six months he had expanded his catering business from one van outside the Nazareth branch of B&Q, to a chain of mobile restaurants all over northern Judea. While his competitors were still adding fistfuls of boiled grit to their burgers, Christ's famous eateries went from strength to strength, all to the sound of his popular catchphrase "Do you want onions with that?".
Early life[edit | edit source]
Mike Christ was the second son of Joseph and Mary Christ, of Nazareth. (She ain't a virgin no more!) His father was a carpenter and his mother a housewife, which was customary at the time. As a sickly child, Mike spent a great deal of time in convalescent houses. It has been suggested by some historians that his blessed mother Mary may well have instructed young Christ to feign illness in order to reduce his exposure to the influence of his vagrant older brother Jesus H Christ.
Success In Business[edit | edit source]
After being given his first job, frying dust for a bearded man he befriended in a convalescent house, Christ worked hard, even studying the health-and-safety manuals in his spare time. Surely, a promotion would follow. It did not, so Christ successfully accused his employer of buggery, winning his own catering van in the legal settlement, from his executed former employer's estate. It wasn't long before "Christ's Bites" were generating a lot of positive hype and a great reputation for Mike Christ as a great culinary innovator. His early creations included Suculent Dung Patties, Ergo-Burgers the ergonomic burger baps with a handle, Cubes-O-Stuff, Mussels in a Shoe and the world famous Hot-Dog Lottery, a marketing gimmick involving soiled, non-kosher frankfurters and a blindfolded contestant. It is for his most famous invention, the onion, that Christ is remembered. He attributed the basic design to his brother, who according to Christ "was always coming up with crazy ideas".
Exile[edit | edit source]
Mike Christ retired from catering at the youthful age of 29 and sold his then extensive business empire. He used the money to buy his family a new life in Middlesex, in the new Roman colony of Britannica, away from the derision of their Galilean neighbours following the arrest and execution of Mike's criminal brother Jesus, who had brought shame on the family.
Life in Britannica[edit | edit source]
While in Britannica Micheal Christ decided to continue his business success, By building a lovely little barber shop down on henningsvale road, two doors down from that lovely little butcher shop in which his family continually buys there assorted meat. After months of Working, Mike had a crush on the Butchress who ran the shop, But, the young girl's father was going to move her to Scotland for they didn't have any meat. So, One day Mike brought her some.
"Cindy?! (Butcher Girl)" Mike said
"Oh yes?" She replied.
"I brought you some meat!" Mike said
"Really?"
"Yes! come, eat some!"
"Mmmmmmm This is Good, CHRIST! This is good."
"That's my name don't wear it out!"
"Are you going to have some?"
"Nawh.... I'm fine.... Good luck with those sandwiches!"
He left the shop. an hour later, a man came for a cut, So Mike "ACCIDENTALLY" cut his head off, but than, When trying to Dispose of the Body it got all mixed up with meat for Cindy,