Michelangelo Antonioni
“My least favorite cumrag.”
“Watching his ennui is like a beautiful rollercoaster of slow-motion vomit.”
Michelangelo Antonionioni, Cavaliere di Gran Croce OMRI (29 September 1912 – 30 July 2007), or simply 'Jello' to his friends, was a popular Italian inventor and less popular snuff film director from the silent era.
Inventions & Pedophilia[edit | edit source]
Immediately after being born, Antonionioni's first invention, and perhaps his most well-known, was urine. Needless to say, the doctor who was holding him upside-down, stroking his umbilical cord, was not pleased.
His second invention, at age 9, was the steel mill, which is commemorated tri-annually on Bastille Day. This was the first of his so-called "Look What I Found" Inventions, which got him lots of attention on the playground during recess. Yet, 9-year old pussy alluded the boy.
Throughout his teens he became well-known in the fields of neuroscience & pygmy arts for his prolific output which included, but is not limited to: the new & improved steel mill, hydrogen peroxide, volleyball, the helicopter, the hedgehog, snuff, porn, snuff-pornography, tainted water, and Rudyard Kipling.
When not inventing, or masturbating feverishly in his room, he was either out looking for 9-year old pussy, or catching regular fevers via disease and non-masturbation. This did not bode well with his parents - who were both blind, bald, and adopted - as they could not understand why there son was always either sick with fever, hanging around elementary schools, or grunting loudly in his room with the door wide open.
Contrary to popular belief, Antonionioni was the actual inventor of the theoretical invention, NOT Nikola Tesla, as Tesla would have claimed... with that stupid smarmy grin of his and that dumb-cock accent with all his "Oh, look at me, I'm Nikola Tesla, inventor of the theoretical invention, among other things..." And although the two were depicted as mortal enemies by the press, they were often spotted holding hands.
Antonionioni's final invention - which was never given a formal name - consisted of two olives, a pint of gin, a toothpick, a dead bluebird, a fat sausage link used by homosexuals, a set of headphones attached to a donkey, three wooden boards wrapped in fishingline, a sack of wet eyeballs, various sandwich ingredients, a map of Asia minor, sprinkles as well as sparkles, and a sign reading "Pay No Heed, Go Right In". This invention sold by the dozens in Yugoslavia and Bolivia, earning Antonionioni enough money to abondon his "totally lame" parents and start a career in the film industry.
Years later, he became known for his unprecedented use of the color grey, namely in film Red Desert.
Scientific Retirement & Filmmaking Career[edit | edit source]
After growing weak from his ongoing hand battle with Tesla, he retired from his studio-apartment laboratory, moved to Newfoundland and began crafting the most meticulously designed but otherwise boring films known to man. Which inherently garnered praise in France.
Antonionioni's first film was titled Snuff!: The Musical! (released in the UK as Cum On My Corpse, Please!: The Musical!), which tanked at the box office, but did well on home video when sold in a brown bag with a side of napkins.
His next three films, and perhaps most well-known, began what he called "A Trilogy On Boredom", starting with L'Avventura, ending with L'Eclisse, and for some reason shoving L'Notte betwixt the two. Critics have yet to figure out why.
Before making what he called his "'S' Trilogy" - Red Desert and its two sequels Red Dessert: Donkey Punch and Red Desserts: Strawberry Shortcake - he began work on his most ambitious, and what would become, his final film: L'Nigger...
L'Nigger[edit | edit source]
L'Nigger would prove not only to be Antonionionioni's greatest achievement, finest hour, and swansong... it would also be his most controversial, his most polarizing, his most gorgeously photographed, his most apolitical, his most apathetic, his most agnostic, his most anemic, his most ape-like, and above all his most totally gay snuff porn flick.
The set-up is simple: a woman joins a minstrel show only to find out upon being hired that it is in fact not a minstrel show but an underground gay club where rich men pay to see poor men poop out diamonds shortly before murdering them in a sloppy rage. Antonionionioni filmed it all. It was his first documentary, and also his last foray into the underground diamond-pooping scene in Newfoundland. The gritty realism won accolades from critics and awards from festivals. However when shown at Antonionionioni's local World's Fair, there was no such standing ovation...
Mummification[edit | edit source]
After a freak accident concerning a knife-throwing contest taking place adjacent to a pie-eating contest, Antonioni's skull & torso were splayed open for all to see in the Museum of Modern Splayed Open Corpses. After a weeklong display with waning interest, he was sown up & mummified by a witch doctor who stated "I have no idea what I'm doing".
Thereafter, a pyramid was built in Antonionioni's honor in Old Mexico and many believe he still lives there to this day.
External links[edit | edit source]