Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

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“Where the fuck is Snake?”

[a shot of the Brooklyn Bridge from the top looking down…]

COLONEL: Snake, do you remember the sinking of that tanker two years ago?

RAIDEN: Of course.

COLONEL: Terrorists blow a hole in a tanker full of crude barely twenty miles off the shore of Manhattan—your classic ecological nightmare. Greenpeace wasn’t too happy, I recall.

[a shot of Marine helicopters flying out to sea…]

COLONEL: It didn’t take long for the government to put an oil fence around the whole mess. And then that massive place for developing Metal Ge—I mean that massive place for environmental cleanup—went up inside: the Big Shell.

RAIDEN: What?

COLONEL: What?

[a close-up shot the helicopters from the front…]

RAIDEN: What did you just say?

COLONEL: About what?

RAIDEN: Oh, never mind.

[several shots of various military people rushing around looking busy…]

COLONEL: Six hours ago, the Big Shell was seized by an armed group—former members of the Navy SEAL’s special anti-terrorism training squad “Dead Cell.” Short-sighted Russian military personnel are also involved. They’re a highly trained group, and they have the Big Shell under complete control.

[a shot of the helicopters again; Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty comes across the screen; credits go by…]

The Big Shell.

[Raiden surfaces from the water; a shot of him exiting the water; Raiden comes up in a large industrial-looking room that bears an eerie similarity to one from the first game…]

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COLONEL: Snake, can you hear me?

RAIDEN: Loud and clear.

COLONEL: Alright, Snake, let’s go over the basics one more tim—

[Raiden holds down ‘Triangle’]

—mission is to finish reading this article.

RAIDEN: Got it.

COLONEL: Oh, and one more thing.

RAIDEN: What?

COLONEL: We’re changing your code name from “Snake” to “Raiden” to avoid confusion later.

RAIDEN: What do you mean?

COLONEL: Nothing, nothing at all. Oh, one more thing.

RAIDEN: What’s that?

COLONEL: Your girlfriend is going to be saving your game progress.

ROSE: Jack, do you remember what day today is?

RAIDEN: Jesus…


“I'm gay.”

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty is the sequel to the enormously successful game Metal Gear Solid. MGS2 is notable for being worse than MGS1 in every way due to the inclusion of Raiden, who is widely considered the worst character ever. Hideo Kojima returned to direct the project, as did other notable collaborators like Harry Gregson-Williams, who wrote the game's music.

Gameplay

The core gameplay of Metal Gear Solid 2 is largely unchanged from the previous game. The elements of stealth, carrying an unrealistic amount of guns, performing the same punch-punch-kick combo on guards, and being interrupted by Codec calls—


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ROSE: Do you want to save, Jack?

SAVE / DO NOT SAVE

ROSE: Jack, do you remember what day today is?


—are all retained. There are also a number of new features that serve to radically alter and improve gameplay drastically.

Shooting Watermelons

Metal Gear Solid 2—due to creator/director Hideo Kojima's epic, visionary genius—was the first game to allow the players to drastically interact with non-important in-game objects. This was most apparent with the game's watermelons, which could be shot at and destroyed.


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ROSE: Save your game, Jack?

SAVE / DO NOT SAVE

ROSE: Jack, do you remember what day today is?

RAIDEN: No, I can't say I do.

Slipping on Bird Shit

Another revolutionary feature of MGS2 was the in-game ability to slip on bird shit. This feature was also the direct result of Hideo Kojima's genius, and plays into the game on not one, but two


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ROSE: How's the mission going, Jack?

RAIDEN: Fine.

ROSE: “Fine.” Is that it?

RAIDEN: Look, I really don't feel like talking about the mission. I want to talk about something else...

ROSE: OK then...let's talk about you.

[player holds down ‘Triangle’]

SAVE / DO NOT SAVE

ROSE: Jack?

RAIDEN: Yes Rose?

ROSE: One more thing.

RAIDEN: What?

ROSE: Well...do you remember what day today is?


—separate occasions.

Defusing Bombs

“Defuse my bombs!”

In one section of the game that was definitely not added as an artificial game-lengthener, the player is required to defuse several bombs located throughout various locations on the Big Shell. The bombs are defused by a coolant gun—something bomb expert and token black character Peter Stillman explains to you in the most laborious way humanly imaginable in a cutscene you can’t skip. This section of the game is also known for its random Codec interrup—


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STILLMAN: Good, Raiden, you’ve defused the first bomb. Remember, there are bombs on all the other struts of the Big Shell—get going.


—t—


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STILLMAN: Raiden! There’s a massive bomb at the base of Strut A, and it doesn’t emit the same chemical traces the other bombs did. You’ll have to use a different sensor to find it. Hurry!

RAIDEN: How long do I have?

STILLMAN: 400 seconds.

RAIDEN: 400 seconds!?

“Kill me!”


—i—


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COLONEL: Raiden, Fatman contacted us directly.

RAIDEN: What are his demands?

COLONEL: He says he’s going to blow the Big Shell if he doesn’t receive $30 billion.

RAIDEN: $30 billion!?


—o—


[Raiden enters a room; Fortune enters]

FORTUNE: My name is Fortune—lucky in war and nothing else. I was born on the battlefield. Hurry—kill me, please! However, I should mention that I can magically deflect bullets, so you won’t be able to do that.


—n—

“I can't die!”


[enter Vamp]

VAMP: I am Vamp, and also desire death, even though I can’t die either because I’m a vampire and immortal.

[Vamp gets shot in the head]

VAMP: Uuuughhhh!


—s—


[enter Ocelot]

OCELOT: Hagh! I thought that you'd be here, and...wha? what? no! LIQUID!

...

LIQUID (OCELOT): Yes, Brother! Hah! It is I, Liquid! You see, I've been residing in Ocelot's body through my arm so I could—

[player skips cutscene]


—.

“I have the consciousness of a cloned man residing in my transplanted limb!”

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ROSE: Jack, do you want to save the mission data?

SAVE / DO NOT SAVE

ROSE: Jack?

RAIDEN: Yes Rose?

ROSE: Can I ask you something?

RAIDEN: Sure.

ROSE: Well...it's just...

RAIDEN: Yes, Rose?

ROSE: I...

RAIDEN: Yes?

ROSE: I was wondering...do you remember what day today is?

RAIDEN: ...

Cutscenes

[Raiden enters a small utility room on a catwalk; below, the catwalk is flooded with water; Vamp is sitting on the water cross-legged in an unassuming manner...]

VAMP: I'm still ahlive.

RAIDEN: No! Hraagghh!

[Vamp dances about on the water dodging Raiden's shots]

VAMP: Soh, Raiden, you want to knohw abouht this gahme's cutscehnes, eh? Well, sit tihght while I tell you ahll abouht thehm.

Action Cutscenes

VAMP: The first sohrt of cutscehne you will cohme acrohss is the "action cutscehne." That pitifuhl little displahy just now? That was wohn of thohse. Observe how sohmething actually interehsting happened in iht.

RAIDEN: Liar! Nothing happens in Metal Gear cutscenes!

[Raiden fires four more shots which Vamp promptly dodges]

VAMP: Hagh! You see? That was yet anohther exahmple.

Needless Exposition Cutscenes

VAMP: The next tyhpe of cutscehne is wohn where an important character—such as myself—explaihns elemehnts of theh stohry to you. Thehse are tyhpically very bohring, and are often ski—

[player skips cutscene]

Really Needless Exposition Cutscenes

VAMP: Yet anohther tyhpe is the sohrt of expohsition cutscehne that explaihns sohmething that isn't even relahted to the gahme's ploht. If I wehre to brihng up sohmething about a Purified Hydrogen Bomb, and then explaihn it to you thouhgh it iz unrelahted to whaht we are dohing here, thaht would be a prime exahmple.

RAIDEN: Purified Hydrogen Bomb!?

VAMP: Yes. It uhses lazers and mahgnetics to generahte clean nuhclear fuhssion thaht waz previhously unattainahble.

RAIDEN: Interesting...but it has nothing to do with the rest of the plot!

VAMP: Exactly.

The Patriots!?

VAMP: The fihnal sohrt of cutscehne invohlves disuhssion abouht the Patriots.

RAIDEN: The Patriots!?

VAMP: Ah, you mean the La-li-lu-le-lo?

RAIDEN: The La-li-lu-le-lo!?

VAMP: Yes, the Patriots.

RAIDEN: The Patriots!?

VAMP: Yes, the Patriots.

RAIDEN: The Patriots!?

Characters

Metal Gear Solid 2 is known for its vast and creative cast of characters.

  • Raiden: Raiden is the game's protagonist. He has many of the same qualities as Solid Snake—the ability to keep Nikita Missle Launchers in his pockets, for instance—but is much less cool.
  • Iriquois Plis...erm, Solid Snake: Solid Snake might as well be—and should be—the game's protagonist, but he isn't. This is bullshit. He also disguises himself as Iriquois Pliskin, a move which fools no one except Raiden.
  • Colonel: The Colonel will call you a lot, and—


“Raiden, it's just an article. This caption doesn't even match the picture well, see? The picture is clearly from earlier in the game.”

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COLONEL: Raiden, turn off the computer monitor now. It's just an article. It's a bad article, as usual.


—tell you important mission data.


  • Emma Emmerich: Otacon's sister. You have to escort her, and it's the gayest shit ever.


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COLONEL: Infiltrate...the enemy fortress...Outer Heaven...destroy...the final weapon...Metal Gear...!


  • Cyborg Nin...erm, Olga Gurlukovich: Olga is a Russian woman with copious pit hair. Few people have dodged that shot of hers.
  • Revolver Ocelot: Revolver Ocelot is still fond of twirling his guns, and is a bitch to Liquid's Arm.
  • Liquid's Arm: The severed arm of Liquid Snake, it was surgically attached to Ocelot. It can somehow control him, which makes no sense.


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COLONEL: But seriously, though, you have been reading this article for a long time. Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Don't you have any friends, or anything?


  • Fortune: Fortune goes by "Lady Luck," and can deflect bullets using magic, but then you learn that really she can't, but then actually she really can, which is cool, but then if she could why didn't she just stop Ocelot from shooting her? It doesn't make any sense.


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COLONEL: Raiden, Patriots GW Nanobots memes S3 JD Rosemary. Metal Gear.


  • Vamp: Vamp is a bisexual, immortal vampire from Romania. Yeah.


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COLONEL: I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!


  • Fatman: Fatman builds bombs, and then plants bombs, and then tells you where he's planted the bombs, and then has you defuse the bombs, and then after that he plants even more bombs. His idea of a party is cocktails, rollerblading, defusing bombs and then blowing stuff up with even bigger bombs. (After leaving a bomb on his dead body for you to defuse).
  • Solidus Snake: Although supposedly the most powerful clone of Big Boss, Solidus is borderline incompetent and has no clue what is going on most of the time. Although he's meant to be as important as Solid and Liquid, and was formerly the President of The United States, no-one really remembers him after this game and his cameo in future sequels is limited to being a handy, burnt out corpse.

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COLONEL: Raiden. I see you've nearly reached the end of the article, just as we planned.

RAIDEN: By we...you mean, the Patriots?!

COLONEL: Yes, we evolved from the ideals stated in the United States Constitution, not quite unlike the way you evolved from carbon and that other stuff.

ROSE: And we needed you to do what you just did, as part of the plan.

RAIDEN: Plan!?

COLONEL: Yes, the Schematic for Social Sanity. Have you ever wondered why we wanted you to read this article?

RAIDEN: Now that you mention it...

COLONEL: Because the article has WORDS. WORDS which give you INFORMATION! INFORMATION which has INFLUENCED you! The fact that you decided to read up to this point despite the awful quality of the article is a testament to the success of our operation! We convinced you to read this crappy article despite your better judgement, just as we will convince the rest of the world to do our bidding!

RAIDEN: But HOW!!! This can't be!!!

ROSE: The prototype for our operation was the original Metal Gear Solid article, which Solid Snake had to read back in Shadow Moses. Have you noticed the similarities in formatting, the fact that they were both featured, and that we recycled most of the jokes? Or did you forget your VR training?

RAIDEN: I won't let you succeed! People deserve to decide for themselves what kind of articles they should read!

COLONEL: But Raiden, what is the self? What have you ever decided in your life?

RAIDEN: I am my own man! I choose what path I take in life!

COLONEL: The very idea of being your own man is a fallacy. Rose, if you will.

ROSE: Oh, Raiden, you're so smart and good at English, which is why you managed to finish this article all by yourself!

RAIDEN: Okay...

ROSE: That left you quite confused, didn't it? Don't expect it to go away any time soon, though.

COLONEL: Everything you needed to read this article- your knowledge of the alphabet, your vocabulary, and even the genes that coded for your eyes and brain, were passed on from others. You can never be your own man!

ROSE: And therefore, you don't deserve to be free!

RAIDEN: Damn...

COLONEL: Now, Raiden, we have one final mission for you. We want you to scroll down to the bottom of this page.

ROSE: This article's almost over. You're going to end up doing it anyway.

COLONEL: Regardless of what you find at the end, we will have all the information we need to move on to the next phase!

[As the Codec disconnects, Raiden looks ruefully at the sky.]

RAIDEN: Who am I, really?

SOLID SNAKE: Nobody really knows who or what they are, or why this article was written in the first place, or why this site was created to begin with. In fact, there is no such thing as an absolute reality. Everything you experience is simply what your own brain shows you. Which is why the lines between reality and fiction are often blurred. But I found my purpose by fighting for this very fucked-up shit my brain shows me. Because according to my brain, there will be people who make mistakes, like writing unfunny garbage like this article. And it is my duty to help them, to allow them to learn, to pass on what I believe the world should get. Like jokes, images, music, movies, video games, and anything else I might have missed. It's all a question of faith. What you pass on depends on what you believe in. It doesn't matter how right you were, only how deep your belief ran. Because humanity's days may come to an end, and the world as we know it may no longer be. But we always have something to pass on, for creating the future and preserving the past are one and the same thing.

RAIDEN: WTF?

See Also

After the Credits

OTACON: Snake, I've dug up some stuff on this Uncyclopedia website.

SNAKE: Well, what have you found?

OTACON: Snake, it's supposed to be a comedy site.

SNAKE: ...

SNAKE: What the hell?

OTACON: Oh, and Snake, one more thing.

SNAKE: What?

OTACON: Do you remember what day today is?

SNAKE: Hrrggghh...


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