Mary Whitehouse
Mary Whitehouse was a British campaigner from Gnuneaton, against pornography, violence, satanism, naughty language, soiled underwear, cobblestones, peanut butter, kittens, daisies, rape kits, perturbation, and almost everything else. She concentrated her efforts on "cleaning up" television and radio, and was founder and first president of the Clean Up National Television (CUNT) campaign.
Early Campaigns[edit | edit source]
Her career began when she successfully lobbied to ban The Flintstones from television. Her complaints against the show were various:
- Wilma Flintstone's skirts were too short;
- the words "Yabba dabba doo!" reminded her of sexual acts;
- stone wheels implied stoned wheelies;
- the show was in colour;
- the characters did not wear shoes whilst driving cars;
- she didn't like the producer's middle name;
- Barny Rubble's eyes seemed to follow her around the room;
- her television smelled of ozone;
- and her feet ached in the evenings (probably due to the fifth complaint).
Needless to say the BBC were slit up a treat, and dumped The Flintstones like a box of radioactive cat doo.
She also objected to the use of the word "Begat" in Genesis 12:7b where it referred to Harold Wilson, prime minister at the time. Nevertheless she was a staunch Christian and often volunteered to explain to preschool children exactly what God meant in Isaiah 3:17 when He said He would "discover" the "secret parts" of the daughters of Zion. "Oh," she told one interviewer, "I just love to watch the little girls' faces when they hear that the Lord God will thrust his huge hairy fingers into their pantries and rummage around their tiny hoo-hoos if they don't behave. Serves 'em right, the filthy cocksucking five-year-old bitches."
Formation of FART[edit | edit source]
In 1965 she gathered 500,000 signatures on a petition to ban the sound of footsteps from British television. (The actual wording of the petition made it appear to be a plea to "make Marmite taste similar to some kind of food" but that's beside the point.) After the campaign Whitehouse contacted those who had signed and invited them to join a group which she claimed would "make Britain safe for pillocks and spotted prancers".
In reality, of course, she used FART to force a banned-word list on the BBC. In its original form the infamous Whitehouse List included:
- tit, tat, bum, knickers, knockers, pecker, doily, Madrid, snatch, minge, flange, dongle, Cockfosters, naughty-sausage, semprini, gumboil, boobs, Harold Wilson, erogenous zone, cunt, Scunthorpe, arse, Arsenal, clit, Cillit, clitoris, clangorous, daffodil, concubine, columbine, Affleck, lubber, snorkle, balls, John-Thomas, Roger, expeditious, cocksucker and meecrab.
In addition, it prohibited all words beginning with the letters fu or containing the letters lubri or phren. Later revisions of the Whitehouse List included prohibitions on the color mauve, the sound of horses galloping, and any images which showed a shoe being taken off.
By the late 1980s Whitehouse had come round to banning everything from television except still pictures of George IV wearing a trilby. Of course by then her influence had waned and the BBC had started airing films of ambisextrous cross-dressing orgies during prime time.
Shortly after her 120th birthday and subsequent death she became lead singer in the The Mary Whitehouse Experience, a deceased heavy metal/skiffle band.
Private Life[edit | edit source]
Mary Whitehouse sadly never had a private life, lets face it her idea of having a "wild" friday night would be an endless "tutting" of the new South Park season!
When Mary Whitehouse was a little sprout she tried to ban stripping from strip clubs, stating "there is a time and place for this! And it is IN THE SHOWER! Not in pubs. Put your clothes on, you stinking arse-sucking pus-faced whore!"
A recent discovery revealed that Mary Whitehouse's mum was a whore who wasn't keen on foul language or scenes of a sexual nature being shown on TV. She would often let people get away with half price if they were to sleep with her rather than jerk to playboy. This strange twist explains much about Whitehouse's psychology.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“If the British public don't want their television cleaned up they can fucking move to France, the cocksucking arsebuggers.”
“If Mary Whitehouse calls us arsebuggers again we will move to France, by gosh.”
“Hey you Whitehouse, ha ha, charade you are. You house proud town mouse, ha ha charade you are.”
“Mary Whitehouse? Thanks to her I have to use the Northern Ireland peace process money to clean up TV.”
“Who?”
“She's dead and she is still flipping me off!”