The Lost Boys

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Recognising the sexual power of vampires it was only a matter of time before Hollywood began making movies about moody teenager mopping around for all eternity.

The Lost Boys is a 1987 American comedy teen horror film directed by Joel Schumacher and starring Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Kiefer Sutherland, Jami Gertz, Corey Feldman, Dianne Wiest, Edward Herrmann, Alex Winter, Jamison Newlander, and Barnard Hughes.

The film is about a American family that move to a seaside village in California to find themselves in the middle of a dark battle between the evil townsfolk and a band of friendly teenage vampires. At the time the movie was so much explicit, very unusual for a 80s teen comedy.

The Plot[edit | edit source]

Just-divorced single mum, Lucy is the mother of two boys Michael (Jason Patric), a confused goth and his younger brother Sam (Corey Haim), who spends an unusual amount of time in the bathroom. Having just murdered the boy's father, she runs away from the cops with her two boys to the seaside village of Santa Maria in California to start a new life. Arriving in their new home, Lucy encourages the boys to go out and make some new friends whilst she searches out some of the local lesbian hotspots for some tasty new carpet to munch.

Michael takes to wandering around the town thinking about death, whilst Sam runs around having the time of his life hiding under some planks and looking up girls skirts whilst wanking violently. Everyone seems to be settling in nicely until the evening of the local Carnival On The Beach. Whilst sitting on his own considering what it would be like to stick a fork in an electric socket, Michael is approached by a sexy vampire, Star (Jami Gertz). She tells Michael to quit feeling sorry for himself and offers to suck him off if he comes back to her cave. Michael is overjoyed at being given the opportunity to meet some real dead people so he agrees to go back with her.

Meanwhile, Sam has stolen a stack of pornographic magazines from a shop and has plastered his wall with pictures of pussies, tits and arses and is wanking himself into oblivion in his bedroom.

At the vampire cave, Star introduces him to the leader of the vampire gang, David (Kiefer Sutherland), who works for the local police on night-shift as a counter-terrorist officer. David explains that the townsfolk all hate the vampire gang and that he just wants to lead a normal life. He tells Michael all about his hobbies of flower arranging, collecting stamps and inventing new flavours of ice cream. Michael cant believe his ears and smashes David in the face with a brick, telling him that he is a boring bastard and that he should be out murdering people and stealing virgins from their beds. Unaffected by the beating, David wanders off into the corner of the cave to read a book. Star fulfils her promise and gives Michael a blow job then lets him fuck her up the arse (the scene was critizied for being such explicit).

Meanwhile, Sam has found a keyhole in the female changing rooms of the local swimming baths and nearly drowns himself in his own seamen.

Unbeknownst to the townsfolk, the leader of the vampires is a transvestite called Max (Edward Herrmann). In her female form, Max seduces mother Lucy and invites herself round to her house for a candlelit dinner, a glass of wine and an all-nighter with a twelve inch two-way dildo. Max plans to settle down with Lucy and quit the double life that she has been leading, but Michael and Sam discover her plot and cut off her legs and throw her in the sea.

Jami Gertz, the ''Real Star'' of the film (also negatively hated by critics for his explicit sex scenes and a sucking (not blood but cock) scene)

Rating[edit | edit source]

The film made it in to the cinema, as he trolled the American Film Censorship Board's strict rules with a fake rating classification. Infact the movie was originally rated PG, and the passing was with the NC-17 rating for ''excessive violence, explicit sex scenes and male and female nudity, gore and smoking.''

Suck it, MPAA!

The Soundtrack[edit | edit source]

Ah yes, this was the movie with the Sexy Saxy Man in it...