Knockout game

It was the summer of 1998. Me and my friend, Bob, were up on the corner of 73rd street, where Kasinich Avenue meets the mighty Sassinach River. I was sat at a bench smoking a joint when Bob says to me, "man, we should hit someone in the head really hard just to see what happens."

"Bob, you know what'll fucking happen. He'll get knocked the fuck out is what will happen." You can understand why hitting someone on the head just to see what happens ain't all that smart. So I say to him, "that's fucking retarded."

Bob's a fucking retard, you know?

So that means he doesn't take no for an answer. He doesn't care about manners or good taste. He saw himself growing up too nice, so at age three he dropped himself on his head. Last smart thing he's ever done. He gets up from the bench he was sitting at and starts looking around for some guy to knock out. He's eyeing the street, watching the passers-by walking to and fro, when he spots some random idiot jaywalking. And he's whistling too. Man, if you were there, you'd think right now to yourself, "That man deserves death." I knew better, but Bob didn't.

So Bob walks up to him and says, "Where you going, you faggot?"

The guy ignores him, which makes Bob even angrier. "Where you going, you runaway faggot? You not listening to what I'm saying homosexual dude? Come here, come here, I'll show you something." And I know what he's going to do!

This is what Bob's gonna do

See? Bob was a homophone or whatever you call them. I know this trick. He's gonna say, "Come here, come here, I'll show you something," and he's assuming that the gay man will think he's going to show him his pecker, but then he surprises him with a roundhouse kick. This is his plan, and I know it ain't gonna work. I yell at Bob.

"Don't do it! Don't do it, Bob! Nothing is worth what you're doing right now!" But he does it anyway.

He tries to hit him in the fucking nuts, but the guy's already running away. So Bob chases after him and trips and falls. By now, the guy's pissed at Bob, so he starts smacking him in the face. Bob gets back up and tries to do a palm strike, like the one in Kung-Fu Hustle, but his attack misses and only brushes the hairs on the other guy's head! So Bob falls down again, and the guy starts kicking him in the stomach. Now Bob's crying, Bob's on the floor.

Then this guy starts running after me

Before, he was acting like a pussy, but now he's all "I'm going to kill you motherfucker" mode, so I try to fight back. He hits me in the knee, and I attack him with a left hook. He trips, but instead of just falling to the ground, he rolls down the wharf into the waiting mouth of a goddamn gulper shark. You know they get hungry in the mornings.

Then the cops come, and I say, "It wasn't me! I didn't mean to do that!" But it was too late. They charged Bob with battery, and they charged me with aggravated assault and manslaughter. This is the end of the line. I just wanted to watch the harbor sunrise, and now I'm going to the big house.

This is a message to the young people out there

Don't do what I done. It's not worth it. I mean, I also sold heroin on the side, so that's why I'm still in jail, but still, don't play the knockout game! Bob invented it, and now Bob cries every time he hears a teenager do it on the news. "My legacy, is etched in the blood of men," my man Bob would say.

Bob works at a K-Mart now; he's turning his life around.