Uncyclopedia:Wilde

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Irish author, playwright, witty person, Stephen Colbert's long lost brother, and ladies' badminton coach
Oct. 16, 1854 – Nov. 30, 1900

 

Uncyclopedia: The Wilde Project

“I see great irony in this quote.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the project

“In Soviet Russia, great irony sees YOU!!!”

~ Lenin on Oscar's ironic quote

“All right -- I'm gay.”

~ Oscar Wilde nowadays

“You are looking at a page to do with the great man himself, Oscar Wilde.”

~ Captain Obvious on the page

“Lick my pussy, arseholes!”

~ Oscar Wilde on critics

Look, I simply have no idea whatsoever as to why everyone here at Uncyclopedia makes such a big deal about this Oscar Wilde guy. They just asked me to write something to put here in this box, because it would look bad if it were just a lot of white space. So I did. But none of it makes any sense... I mean, the guy's dead, isn't he? Who cares about what some dead guy said at a tea party for the Duchess of Kent? And who is this "Marquess of Queensberry" character? I seriously just do not get it.

And it seems I'm not the only one! I mean, look at some of the pages on this website that link to this one. There must be thousands of them, and not one actually has anything to do with the guy! They all just mention him for no apparent logical reason (except that the whole of this website is a joke, bordering on psychotic mania), because the people who write the articles here probably feel like they're supposed to, like it's some sort of requirement. And of course, they all have the same three pictures on them, because that's how many there are in the world, seems like. And how many lists is he on, ferchrissakes? OMFG, every time you see a list of people or anything else on this crazy-ass website, alive, dead, real, or imaginary, good ol' Oscar's on it, I guarantee you that. And of course they've given him practically every title and honorific ever invented.

And the quotations! I mean, shit, it's like every friggin' article has a quotation at the top by this Wilde guy! And I'll bet he didn't say half those things. I guess people think that's a requirement too, because they never seem to get tired of it. And that's what The Wilde Project is all about: adding even more quotations. It will be easy. They're already at every turn. We'll definitely win. And we won't have gone down fighting.


Benighted Wildeisms du Jour   (edit)   Who Likes a Pram, Then?

Oscar Wilde was walking down the narrow cobblestone streets of Dublin, Ireland when a man walked out of a pub and engaged him in conversation. "I have shagged many a beautiful young lassie in my day," said the stranger. "How dare you boast so arrogantly," Wilde replied. The man was taken aback, and quickly sized up our hero. "Are you one of those poofs, then?" quoth he. Wilde decided that he desperately needed to establish some heterosexual credibility at this juncture. Just then, a bonnie lass strode out of the tavern. Wilde approached her with great confidence, saying, "My my, your tollywompers are looking splendid this afternoon." She, in turn, froze solid, and screeched for a wretched hag who stood behind her. "Mother! Did you hear the filth this man hath speweth?" The old hag took out a can of Easy Cheese™, and sprayed poor Wilde all up and down his body. As he turned to run out of the neighborhood, the surprisingly speedy hag produced a can of Silly String™ and began to blast him. Panting, Wilde wept bitterly, tears smearing the cheese as he wailed, "Do you not know who I am, foul succubus?" Alas, his protestations fell on deaf ears. Desperate, and with no viable alternative, Wilde dropped his trousers and let loose a mighty wind from his arse, hoping to scare off the wench. The fart was so foul, it caused the heathenish woman to faint, and all nearby birds to fly from their perches in terror. "This is why I eat roast-beef sandwiches from Arby's," Wilde exclaimed, now utterly victorious.

 

How You Can Help

One way you can help is by not editing this page. Another way is by making a fart joke. You could also join the project, which isn't really a "project" so much as a list of people who like to see their usernames mentioned in highly questionable contexts. Current members are you, Winstanley1, and... well, that's about it. Members may proudly display the {{User Wilde Project}} template on their user pages, as if that's even worth the bother.

Why You Shouldn't Help

Because editing this page is fun, and we already have a lot of fartistic jokes. And I do mean a whole buttload of fart jokes. Please, do not call Mr. Wilde OR yourself the Master Bater. That is me.

Where To Send Cash

Please send cash to Me, at my address, which you'll have to find out on your own. Sorry. You could Click Here but it won't take you anywhere.


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This article was mentioned in the Guardian (UK), further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here