Jordin Sparks
Jordin Sparks (born December 22, 1989), or simply Sparky, is actually a large ball of energy and sickening sweetness to the point where even babies want to shoot her in the face, originally believed to be human. She is best known for her winning of the popular "talent" contest, American Idol.
She has released CD's Which were never released in any specific category, on account they have sucked more ass than Liberachi. This is what Simon Cowell had to say on her first Cd. "Oh my god, it was like listening to dying cows screeching in the slaughter house. Although I will say it was her best, which is not very good at all."
Body Type[edit | edit source]
The body type of Jordin Sparks can be best described as that of a 2-week-old puppy. With fake
eyelashes. And hair extensions. Who just ate 19,000 double cheeseburgers. After she was let through to Hollywood after totally, like, rocking her audition for American Idol, she began steadily losing weight. The comment that started it all was from, who else, Simon Cowell. "Oh my God, good thing you're talented, or I'd vomit uncontrollably whenever I was in your presence. No, seriously, you're such a fatass I...oh Lord. Between you and Blake Lewis and Randy Jackson, that's almost too much fatness for me to handle."
Blake Lewis[edit | edit source]
Another thing Jordin is known for is her hot, steamy, overtly sexual relationship with the
chubby Blake Lewis. Although he is in the closet, Jordin told Seventeen magazine, "I'm sure I can de-gay-ify him. I mean...he's not too fargone yet, right?......Fuck, I'm totally screwed."
The two met on the set of Idol, and Blake noticed an attraction from the first time he saw her. "Man, I totally wanted to take a bite out of those luscious thighs of hers. I mean, she secretes her own butter, so it's not like I'd have to season them. SCHWINNGGGGG!"
Shortly after calling her and hanging up around 46 times, Blake finally grew a pair and asked Jordin out. Their first date was at a bowling alley. Jordin totally owned his ass, as she scored a 347 and he bowled a -0.2.
She and Blake Filmed a sex tape together in May 2008, which they paid $600,000 for it to be "leaked".
He is still to be believed in the closet. When People Magazine asked Blake about this he simply replied "If I was gay, would I be totally nailing Jordin Sparks? I mean, she may look rather mannish, but at least she's... well, she has..." Then they asked him what he saw in her. "Well, she's fat, talented and looks like a dude. I love her." And there you have it.
"Music"[edit | edit source]
Jordin's first single "Tattoo on my Anus", was a major hit. (Lord knows why.) She enlisted the help of ten retarded monkeys to write a ballad about how she got "MOM" tattooed on her ass. Actually, she got "M" and then her anus and then another "M". Sample lyric: "Even though you abandoned me and told me to get out and that I was fat and then you said 'fuck you', you're on my butt as a tattoo". When Ryan Seacrest premiered it on his own radio show (Again, Lord knows why), right when the song ended, Seacrest could not control his giggles as he squeaked out, "She said 'butt'. Tee hee hee!"
Her second single "No Hair" a duet with Chris Brown is reportedly about her first sexual experience with Bonus Jonas.During the shooting of the video which Brown's girlfriend Rihanna was a constant,the two broke out in a fight and Jordin ended up makin an ass grove in Rihanna's pretty face.
Another single "One Trip at A Time" describes Jordin walking through the streets with the clapping of her shoes and "accidentally" tripping people, she doesn't even notice the blood all over the sidewalk.
Another single is "Cattlefield" which describes Jordin playing farm town over Facebook, buying cattles, planting cotton and pineapple! A part of the song "Cant swallow our pride when neither of us wanna raise that cow.. ohh ohh! If we cant be plower then we both gonna lose that XP! Oh no, both hands try to hold your penis with nothing! Woooh, these times when we plow so fast to gain level, why we gonna try to sex now, i never meant to start a plow, you know i never wanna leave you! Ahaha!
"Beginnings"[edit | edit source]
Jordin first made it biggest success was when she was 10 years old and she finally learned how to use the toilet. Then she went to American Idol and became a huge star in music. Ryan Seacrest was astonished she even made it past the first round. "As the host of American Idol, I cannot interfere with how Randy, Paula, or Simon make decisions. I am personally shocked she made it this far. But miracles happen. My first guess was that she was sleeping with Randy just to get farther into it. Its possible, I mean they say black guys like fat white chicks." Ryan was then informed that Sparks is actually black. At least, she's supposed to be.
The Future[edit | edit source]
Jordin will probably host TEENick a few times. She'll coast along with a few moderately popular singles, then when she turns twenty-one EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE. She'll pop out a couple of babies with Blake Lewis and then he'll blow up to roughly the size of Johnny Depp's mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? ("sympathy pounds"....aka Double Stuf Oreos in the delivery room.) Meanwhile, Jordin will probably get into top physical condition and be in Playboy. Nickelodeon will sever all ties from her and Simon Cowell will probably get reptitive stress syndrome in his hand looking at the pictures. Her kids will be one and one girl. She will name them Blake Jr. and Rita. Rita will be gorgeous, but Blake Jr...well...you know. He has Blake's name, if that tells you anything.