Jackyl

Well It Sure Ain't Dick Van Dyke

Well, "Rock me, Roll me, Jackyl me off," welcome to the article about the world's loudest and best rock & roll band that features a chainsaw. Jackyl formed in 1856 during a time when the world needed a heavy metal band with a fuckin' chainsaw that could perform solos. Jackyl was the first band to do this, during the time when people all across the deep south of the U.S.A were screaming out: "Why can't we have a god damn band with a god damn chainsaw to play god damn solos?" Had Jackyl been discovered in time, it may have prevented World War II from ever happening. But unfortunately, Jackyl wasn't discovered until 1987, it was during a MTV contest to see which band could finally shut the southerns up and have a fully fledged chainsaw as part of the band's instruments and weaponry.

Jesse James Dupree

Jesse James Dupree is the founder of Jackyl, he turned to music after his good buddy of 18 years and lover, Billy The Kid, was gunned down in a "blaze of glory" by Bon Jovi's great granddaddy, "Bufford T Madog Justice Tannon" (not to be confused with Shirley Temple) in 1882. During this time it was reported that outlaw Jesse James had died, but what actually happened was that in 1885, Jesse James found Doc Brown's Time Machine in a cave just outside of Eastwood Revine, CA.

Jesse then hid out with the Time Machine until 1947 when suitable replacement parts were made for the Time Machine. He fixed the car up, thanks to the schematic diagrams that Doc Brown had left in the car, and then traveled to the future where he had a change of blood, a change of hair and a bit of surgery. Then he decided to travel back in time to 1985 to start forming what is now known today as the chainsaw-soloing, heavy metal band "Jackyl".

Original Members Of Jackyl

The original line up of Jackyl starred Jesse James on vocals & guitar; Billy The Kid on percussion; Ned Kelly on bass, and a young Dick Van Dyke as the other guitarist. After the shooting incident, the band was split up between 1885 and 1985 after Jesse's traveling through time. The only member that was still alive was Dick, and Jesse learned of his roles in Mary Poppins & Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He stated, "I always knew that fag was into wuss music," and thus Jesse never sought out Dick to come play guitar for them again.

New Members Of Jackyl

The new version of the group still featured Jesse on guitar and vocals, but he now had a group of musicians who were born in the 20th century. This new line up consisted of those four new guys, someone who is said to be part of the band, but doesn't play in the band, and has never been seen, but Jesse assures you he is there all the time with them...

Hit Albums

Dick Van Dyke gives a review to the new and current members of Jackyl

Their 20th century debut album, the self titled, Jackyl was their first and best album, however Dick Van Dyke stated that "the new sound wasn't as good as it was when [he] was in the band, and that Jackyl doesn't have the same spirit" as the first and only album the group released in the 19th century, Jackyl & Jill Went Up A Hill.

Jackyl (1990)

This one features some of Jackyl's best known songs, such as; "He Love's My Cock", "I Stand Alone Without Billy Today", "When Randy Went Down On Me", "Dirty Little Mind" & "I'm a Lumberjack, & I'm OK, I Sleep All Night, Cause I Work All Day"

Cut The Crap Up With A Chainsaw So It Splatters Like, "REWWWWWWWWWWWW PLOP SPLASH SPLASH GRRRRRR TISSSSSSSS (1992)

Next came Cut The Crap, an album that some say had a few great songs. Others say that those songs suck. Rabid fanboys continue to argue about the overall shitiness of the album to this day.

Push Comes To Shove (1993)

Push Comes to Shove had great songs called "Push My Stool In, Elton", "Fuck A Hoe", "Head Jobs From a Construction Site", "My Hand Is Down In the Dirt Somewhere, Maybe I Left It In China Town?", "Found It, Now My Dixie's Back In My Hand" and, of course, "Secret Of The Ooze Bottle, Tribute to the TMNT"

Ball Sucking Albums

Jackyl & Jill Went Up a Hill (1885)

This image has absolutely fuck all to do with this article, but it's here for your pleasure... if you're a man... who isn't not gay, and likes this sort of woman, if not, check out BBW's... and for the ladies, well, tough shit.

This one is VERY hard to find, even bootlegs are impossible to come by. However, if you can get your hands on it, the single from the album, "Jackyl & Jill Went Up a Hill With 50 Cents Each, and Jill Came Down With a Buck, the Fuckin' Slut" is quite a nice tune that Dick Van Dyke himself wrote. But the other songs are fucking horrible. Trust me on that one.

Stayin' Alive Cause I Found a Time Machine(1995)

This wasn't that great of an album, it was the downfall of Jackyl's success as no one knew what the fuck Jesse was singing about... but they did appreciate him covering AC/DC's song "Live Wire", even though the covers of the Bee Gees songs sucked worse then the original versions.

Relentless(1999)

Relentless to say, "Relentless" wasn't as good an album as the first, second, third, or fourth album, or second, 3rd, fifth and sixth, depending on how you look at it from what time line. "Kill The Shithead Who Stole The Gas Out Of My Chainsaw, Curse On You" was a decent track, and "I've Been Down This Road Before, Even Before Cement Was Invented" was decent to those who understood it or were stoned at the time. However, the track "I'm On Fire" wasn't even a song, it was just a filler track that was added after Dick Van Dyke stormed the recording session and set Jesse on fire for not allowing him to be part of the new line up for Jackyl.

Lets Hope The New One Rocks Me, Rolls Me, And Jacks Me Off

Jackyl have a new album coming out in 2010 called, Moonshine, We Like That Show About Them There Duke Boys Of Hazzard which we hope won't suck as much as Stayin' Alive, and at least be a bit better then Relentless but we know it wont be as good as the first three or four. Actually, the first album from 1885 sucked too, so lets pretend it doesn't exist as finding bootleg copies of it these days is a bitch.

...come to think of it, Jackyl pretty much sucks in general anyway.

Jackyls Accomplishments, Achievements and Most Famous Moments