Admiral Ackbar
“It’s a trap!”
“Admiral Ackbar!”
“I made all these traps!”
“It’s a great way to start your day!”
“Glubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglubglub.”
“It’s a trap!”
Admiral "Alan-Who?" (the N is silent, geddit?) Timothy Ackbar of the Rebel Alliance is a member of the Fried Calamari species. He is a favorite of Star Wars fans and Italian food fans, to the point that in many nations around the world, regions where Star Wars fans are the mind numbingly overwhelming majority (as y'all know), he is revered as the second most delicious god in the universe (behind the Flying Spaghetti Monster). Now retired, he enjoys habitually appearing in JPEG form on internet message boards to warn humans with his trademark phrase that a nearby pornographic image is not a chick, but rather a dude, and for that matter a very ugly one. This suits him just fine, as he is a prominent member of the Coalition of Very Ugly Dudes, and under poor lighting conditions his cranium has often been mistaken for a pair of monstrous testicles.
History[edit | edit source]
First off it must be said that Ackbar, also known as Admiral Hu and Othello, or that freakishly deformed fish guy who can somehow speak human and command a giant warship even though it looks like he can barely support his own head, began his career as the Moorish commander of the Spanish Armada (It's a trap!) who led the historic naval assault (It's a trap!) on the clowns in 1588 and the state of Kansas. (It's a trap!) Descended from the squid-like Moors who had occupied Spain (It's a trap!) for hundreds of years, Ackbar had a natural affinity and aptitude for nautical life which enabled him to rise to the heights of the Spanish Navy. (It's a trap!) Impressed equally by Ackbar's ability to command a crew (It's a trap!) and to breathe underwater, King Phillip chose him to lead an assault against the British Navy. Now threatening galactic domination, the British Navy had set up a trap. With many years of mentoring from Captain Obvious Admiral Ackbar was able to recognize it before sailing straight into it ... backwards. (It's a trap!)
Thanks to his strategic prowess and seamanship – not, as some revisionist historians have ascribed, to the trivial hundreds of heavily-armed galleons (It's a trap!) in his fleet) – the Spanish were able to defeat the Empire (It's a trap!) and crush its incipient hopes for populating the cosmos with (It's a trap!) WASPs.
Though the expedition seemed on the verge of misadventure when Celtic Droids conjured a tempest (It's a trap!) in order to drown the fleet (It's a trap!), the quick-thinking Admiral rescued his charge and proved his fitness for command when he issued the terse but indelible admonition, "It's a trap!" (I told you!) Thus recognizing the situation, the Armada was able to avert the storm, defeat the Droids (with a trap), and lay waste their ultimate target: Britain's secret weapon, the Death Buoy. The Empire defeated, their commander Lord Vader was forced to sign a treaty aboard his ship, the HMS Missouri, and secede all land in North America (Trap!) to Spain. Banished from the northern continent, the British were instead relegated to colonize Central and South America while the Spanish-speaking peoples flourished in the North. Even today, the British-descended Southern Hemisphere (Are you listening?) remains firmly entrenched in the Spanish North's hegemony, all owed to the legacy of Ackbar.
In his final years, Ackbar was sent out on another errand for Spain, (Are you fucking listening?) this time to the New World. He was ordered to retrieve Christopher Columbus, who by reports had established himself as a "white god" among the indigenous population and exploited their labor for the ivory trade while making indecipherable pronouncements regarding "el horror, el horror". Alas, this mission proved to be the Admiral's last, as he tragically choked on a biscuit at a party in Russia, where he had been vacationing (Ohhhhhhhh! Fuck this damn trap!) afterwards. By stroke of chance, his crewmates had enough tartar sauce to make the most of the problem with some fried Calamari, as suggested by the other Hannibal. Eventually, the fact that he was digested prompted some religious followers to say that a miracle had happened, and he left this world as not quite dead.
Ackbar, the Holy[edit | edit source]
His role as a God began five years after the Battle of Yavin (1982 in Earth standard years), when a small band of devoted followers rode across western Europe, conquering the old governments with their superb horsemen and Mon Calamari cruisers. The religion took hold across the world, spreading relatively peacefully eastwards and westwards, until the present day. It is believed there are around 1.2 billion Calamarians across the globe (as of 2023).
Rarely known are The Admiral's merits in interreligious communication, which may be because they are rare themselves. Nonetheless, out of pure kindness he worked hard to learn the Yodese phrase "a trap it is".
Admiral Ackbar was proposed as the new mascot of the Ole Miss football team. That's what I think about when someone mentions Ole Miss football. Not Archie Manning, but a squid-like alien.
Religion[edit | edit source]
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
There are essentially two types of followers: The residents of Fark worship Ackbar by photoshopping him into nearly every image they create, typically with the Holy Phrase as its caption. The Calamarians, whose beliefs vary widely, mostly follow the sacred tenet that everything is a trap.
In the Calamarians' Holy Book (the novelization of Return of the Jedi) it is written: "... and lo, Ackbar saw that the Death Star was still functional, and that the general known as Solo had not brought the shield down, and with some despair proclaimed to his loyal followers, 'Verily, it is a trap unto us'".
Calamarians also believe that Ackbar died for our sins and will return to bring them to His holy kingdom of Mon Calamari.
Practices[edit | edit source]
Calamarians have a diverse number of practices, mostly involving swimming. They take great care in looking after squid, believing them to be sacred creatures. Friday is their holy day, when after hearing the holy song ("Imperial March") they enter their sacred flagships and pray that their cruisers can sustain firepower of that magnitude. Their Biscuit-eating Festival is held on February 29, but not on leap years. Nude dancing and sauce dipping are done to get good nipple shapes. Mermaids are occasionally the life of the party, especially when drunk.
The early years[edit | edit source]
The very first Mon Calamari grew tired of swimming, harking instead to flight. This, as can be understood from the one intact shell painting preserved in the Imperial Archive on Coruscant, did not work out very well at all, culminating in the "100 Years of Hate". What these entailed is lost to history, but it was assuredly a not-nice thing for local folk. By this, we mean bad or at the very least a cause for discomfort. This could well be loosely connected to the Mon Calamari distaste for putting any form of recognizable wing upon their mighty log-shaped space vessels.
Critical reaction[edit | edit source]
Western countries have cited the controversial nature of "imperialist scum" who after dying live on through "the force", which ostensibly motivates Jihadists to commit acts of suicide in order to "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine".
Split[edit | edit source]
There is, however, a growing rift among Calamarians over the true creator of the Holy Book. Many believe it to be George Lucas, while a smaller but rapidly expanding number believe it to have been CZ-3, who appears in the first installment (A Star War). One side maintains that CZ-3 was a minor, mostly fictitious character; the other maintains that George Lucas is too far fetched to have existed in real life, and was probably a metaphor used to describe the decline in Hollywood's production values. Both sides, however, believe, often to the point of death, that they are correct.
More quotes attributed to the good Admiral[edit | edit source]
“It’s a trap!”
“It’s a decadent Western infidel trap!”
“It’s a wrap!”
“It’s a cramp!”
“It’s ...”
“It’s a rap!”
“It’s a tap!”
“It’s a tarp!”
“It’s a crap!”
“Yep, it’s a tarp, right where I left it.”
“It’s a TOOORP.”
Through the looking glass[edit | edit source]
It is a little known fact that Ackbar was fondly called "Mon-Squishy" by his closest companions.
Products[edit | edit source]
Admiral Ackbar is known among many people as the creator of Admiral Ackbar™ cereal. Unfortunately, it did not sell at all, mainly because it consisted of a box with "IT'S A TRAP!" printed on the box in bright red letters, with nothing inside the box. There are reports of a few unfortunate victims getting warped into hyperspace because they really were traps. In the 1980s the Admiral sold crack to the elderly, then while they were sleeping he would break into their home's and steal it back just to sell it to them again the next day, but in 1989 he was apprehended by the government and arrested. He was sentenced to two years in prison but broke out on the second day he was there and moved halfway across the universe. He has not yet been found.
Admiral Ackbar recently introduced a line of fish sticks, which are oh-so tender and flaky. To pass them up is a big mistake. They, too, say IT'S A "TRAP!" right on the package. Inside, however, are not fish sticks but bear traps. Apparently, he never inspected a single factory, afraid the whole enterprise was a trap.