HowTo:Open a Brand New DVD Case

DVDs. The signature invention of the millennium; better known as "MENACING PACKAGED PLASTIC BOXES OF VEXATION". To anyone who hasn't opened one of these horrible creations of our corrupt, ever plummeting economic system, DON'T EVEN TRY. The heinous protectors of digital video, more widely known as “DVD cases” are the cause of more delirium and cramped hands than state testing and the SATs.

The Challenge

Getting the Plastic Off

Don’t underestimate the power of cheap plastic. Although it may look serene and innocent, its sole purpose in life is to keep you from being a fat couch potato, watching that DVD that you’ve actually decided to buy/received from a relative for Christmas who is not your Grandmother who is still unaware computers have been in use for the past 30 or so years, and eating pound by pound of butter slathered popcorn which you so didn’t just burn in the 15 year old microwave. WHAT KIND OF IMMORAL INSTRUMENT OF STUPIDITY WOULD DO SUCH A THING? DVD cases are the essence of evil, and all sympathy for the plastic wrapping suffocating your chance at 2 solid hours of digital bliss must be discarded at once. It takes more than drive to take down plastic wrapping- it takes pure and utter hatred, fueled into the power of a reliable GIANT SCISSOR.

Scissors like these are a good example of what can be used to tear the magical evil plastic force field, though cartoon giant scissors such as these tend not to work quite as well.

Giant scissors, researchers have decided, are the only way to go when tearing off said evil plastic from the DVD case. Ripping it with your fingernails does not tend to work, unless of course you have abnormally long/sharp fingernails, in which case I suggest either therapy or a good nail clipper, or a healthy combination of the two. Biting, although surprisingly stress relieving, will not aid you in your noble cause. Feeding the plastic covered DVD case to your dog will work, but the shiny disc which may contain Disney magic may be destroyed if this route is taken.

”Sadly, I cannot go after Pamela or else my wife will snap off my cock.”

Burning the DVD in the nearest fireplace will also not be of any help unless of course you are trying to open the plastic to a DVD which contains countless hours of “Borat”, in which I say please, go right ahead, do not pollute your mind by watching a movie almost as bad as watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila addictively.

Safety Tape

By now, you’ve relieved the DVD case of the evil factory made force field which only moments before had encompassed its very being. But oh, brave plastic shredding warrior with giant scissors, the worst has not yet come to pass. Previously concealed by the now torn plastic barrier is the evil of all evils, “safety tape”. Do not be fooled by its angelic appearance- the seals together all 3 detachable sides of the DVD case, and is not something to be trifled with. (Newer DVD’s have tape only on ONE side, although it doesn’t stop it from keeping you from your precious DVD. IT CANNOT BE TAMED WITH BRUTE FORCE! If you are lucky enough to have come in contact with one of these types of DVD cases, please follow the following directions, relating to ONE side being sealed with tape.) On the left side of each piece of safety tape, it will misleadingly read, “PULL TO OPEN”. Subsequently, if you believe this foolery, you will manage to (if lucky) pry off one centimeter of this dreaded tape from the DVD case. You may do this on all sides. After that, it is a battle of wit. Giant scissors may manage to remove a tiny piece of tape, though they are normally helpless against its extreme strength and stickiness. You may have to rely on:

Only expert ninja masters trained in the mountains of Taiwan can pull the tape off of DVD cases fully in one shot.

1. Eating the tape.
2. Biting the tape
3. Gnawing at the tape
4. Scratching at the tape
5. Power-sawing the tape off
6. Hiring an African voodoo tribe to magically remove the tape
7. Improvisation

Four out of five dentists agree that, soon, the tape will surrender, and you will rise victorious!

Clamps

Recently, companies have decided that opening DVD cases isn't hard enough. Many can agree that the people who make DVD cases are just bored out of their minds and have no lives. There are now, on many DVD cases, clamps, that keep you from your goal. They do not give up easily, but if you pull hard enough in the opposite direction from which the clamp is grasping, it will, eventually, give way to your POWER. (Some people believe in merely “unclamping” the clamps. These people are wusses and should not be listened to.)

WOWZERS.

You now know how to open DVD casing. Whether or not you now feel like watching the DVD is a different matter.