HowTo:Market deathcore techno bukkake for hotels

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A happy user of Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!
Two glasses of fancy but otherwise ordinary bukkake - with the sad omission of both deathcore and techno. Are you prepared to remedy the situation?
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You've agreed to start mass-marketing our next great gadget - Deathcore Techno Bukkake (DTB for short) - but you absolutely suck at it. You've managed to plan so poorly that you've already got cartons of DTB stored in every room of your house. You're itching to sell that bukkake, preferably to hotels. Your test market (mostly sex-deprived ugly teens) said they love it, but you can find no way to reach the traveling salesmen, truck drivers and other hotel-oriented people who in your opinion would most benefit from Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!

There are literally hundreds of millions of proficiently written books on marketing new products. Sadly, only about half of them have anything to do with bukkake. The good news is: after reading this article you will not need a book. You will need to get more cartons of Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!

Creating a Sales Plan[edit]

First, pretend you have a deeper understanding of exactly who you're selling to. For example, instead of all women, you could be aiming your product for working women with above-average incomes and kids under age 5. This obviously fails for multiple reasons, so scrap that. Really, forget it totally. Women are not interested in Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!

Divorced men in their 40s with six-figure salaries are almost always interested in deathcore and techno. How to get them interested in bukkake as well? Simple: the more specific you get, the more accurately you'll be able to target those of them who are in desperate need of... Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!

How to get the hotels interested?[edit]

This part is really easy. Once you establish that you already have a large clientele interested in DTB and that your clientele has literally shitloads of money, you'll only need to present your idea to a hotel. They'll give you money to buy your product. Of course this is the normal method of buying things but in our case they will give you more money. And if that isn't enough, they will give you still more. The product is, after all --- --- Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake! And if you bring up the possibility of producing Deathcore Techno Bukkake for a metaphorical penis, you'll have to double your volume in weeks if not days.

Next steps[edit]

  • Sales goals. Set these absurdly high - like selling a million units of DTB per year to a twenty-room hotel in Lancastershire. Don't bother breaking your goals down into manageable parts. For example, selling 50 units to end-users in 30 days and selling 100 units to local independent retailers in six months are both chickenshit planning. Hit it big or go bankrupt!
  • Sales activities. These are your tactics - how you plan to make the sale. To be direct, all that shit is for sissies. Once you have loads of DTB in your possession you only need to let people know you have it. You can consider yourself lucky if you manage to get a carton delivered to a hotel safely before people buy it off your van, lorry, or truck - or an armored DTB dealership special.
  • Timelines. Put dates to the above elements so you can define your steps within an unrealistic timeline. Forget that your timelines should be fluid. For instance, if you cannot fulfill your absurd sales goals, resign to the fact that you suck, suck, suck. You are doomed to spending the rest of your miserable life consuming Deathcore. Techno. Bukkake!

Finally, forget about following any proven process for growing sales over time. It would be fabulous to have the largest hotel chains carry your product right out of the gate, and you should settle for nothing less. Most large retailers of bukkake products want to see a track record of successful sales before agreeing to take on a new product, but you can tell them to piss off.

Conclusion[edit]

Deathcore Techno Bukkake is a risk-free product. It sells well because end-user satisfaction is guaranteed. The rumours about arsenic and some DDT in it are totally debased. We have not bribed anyone.