HowTo:Crowd Surf

“In Soviet Russia, Crowd Surfs YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Crowd Surfing

“Once i crowd surfed at a Britney Spears concert”

~ <insert name here> on Crowd Surfing

A trained professional crowd surfer at work

The bad part:
Crows surfing can result in injuries unless you are a trained pro

Reading this article and printing out the diploma will make you a trained professional crowd surfer, so you can embarrass yourself professionally.

Basics

(retarded people start here)
You can't just expect to start surfing straight away. As with any intense sport you must first make sure you are ready to begin

Preparation

In order to crowd surf you're going to need a crowd. Trying to crowd surf on top of one person is inadvisable; it often results in severe injury. So phone up all your friends and have them stand around for you to practice surfing over. If you don't have any friends then you can buy entrance into venues where you can borrow the friends of touring bands for all your trained professional crowd surfing fantasies.

Getting Started

Once you've assembled/ found/ hijacked a suitable crowd, you're now going to be facing the problem of how to actually get up on top of it. For beginners it is recommended that you do this by starting off on a balcony or stage above the ground and jump down on top of it (try not to miss). However this is not always possible because there either isn't one or else the security guards try and stop you . . .

Security Guards

If you didn't have enough friends and had to hire your crowd from a band / festival then you may find your experience of crowd surfing hampered by gangs of thugs. No, not moshers... Security Guards. Do not be too annoyed though as security guards are nature's beloved retards and if you get caught by them then you should accept your fate. Or alternatively you can knee them in the nuts and leg it. The choice is up to you.

Clothing

Trained professional crowd surfing.... clothing optional

For beginners it's just recommended to use whatever you're wearing. However once you've mastered the basics you can alter your image by following one of the two patterns below:

• The Nudist Look - remove all your clothes to reduce weight and also give you a sense of feeling free and at one with the crowd, though you'll have to be careful about where the crowd puts its hands. Click the link for more information on the dangers of nudism
• The Gothy Look - cover yourself with spikes and get on some giant clompy moon boots to tenderise your crowd as you pass through.

There are pros and cons to both trains of thought, for example the less clothes you have the lighter you will be, making it easier for you to 'float' above the crowd. However your lack of underwear will make people less likely to want to continue supporting your endeavours, and make rape by a deranged, drug-addicted music fan much more likely.

Diploma

Congratulations! you are now a trained professional crowd surfer. Copy and paste the below text into word or similar and then press print

This document certifies that
(insert name here)
is a fully trained professional crowd surfer

(P.s. you might want to use some sort of fancy font like Comic Sans or something)

Advanced

(retarded people who may have jumped to this area by accident please read #Basics first)
You may now be a trained professional crowd surfer, but if you want to really show off to all your friends and gain mating rights with the best females you're going to have to fill out your repertoire of manouvres a bit.

Cutting and Pasting Shapes

Nothing beats catching air off that big wave

Now that you've mastered the "being tossed from one person to another all the way to the front" technique you'll want to try out some of the ideas below:

• Standing Up - Jesus may be able to tread on water, but even he has trouble walking across a crowd.
• Big Fish - Flap your arms and kick your legs like the proverbial salmon swimming up a river. If you try this method make sure the crowd is moving you fast, you want to be able to outrun the cop car after you "accidently" kick that pregnant lady in the face and induce labor.
• Flying - The higher you get tossed the harder you fall, thankfully there's a sea of people to cushion your descent
• Up Sh*t Creek - hop in your inflatible dinghy and toss out the paddle, you ain't going to need it as your jostled about by the strong currents of the crowd. Make sure it is an INFLATABLE DINGHY and not a metal or wooden canoe, or you will likely kill your crowd as you jump off of the stage with it. Unless you want to kill your crowd of course

Props

Whats better than a guy surfing across a crowd ? A guy surfing across a crowd holding onto a giant blow up shark of course. Although the shark is one of the more traditional props that can be used, there are cases of people being joined by blow up aliens, octopuses, breasts and any other number of exotic wonders.

Warnings

Master your skills and the people will worship you

Crowd surfing is a dangerous and life threatening sport and therefore you should be warned that taking part in it will make you a god. Or at the very least some sort of Divine Octopus