HowTo:Become a hacker

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In this article, you, my technologically-challenged friend, are going to learn how to become a legitimate hacker (haxxer). Using these skills, you will be able to hack the Pentagon using HTML and intercept Iranian transmissions with the power of Python. Heck, you might even learn how to kill that dumb bot Auto Filter. Whatever you do with this information, just make sure it benefits Oscar Wilde.

First Steps[edit]

The very first step to becoming a hacker is becoming a cracker. A cracker, by definition, is someone who bypasses web security for malicious purposes, but for the purposes of this article we will be defining it as either someone who takes crack or a snack food. After becoming a cracker, you will be able to hallucinate and think that you are actually hacking. Congratulations, you just got addicted to weed. For those of you who chose to become the snack food, the next step is to be eaten. After you are eaten, you can go to the brain instead of the stomach, and take over the person’s mind. Then you hope the person who ate you is a hacker.

Using your skills[edit]

You are now a hacker. Please send your social security number, bank account, and mother’s maiden name so that I can give you the ability to steal your friend’s Reddit account.

Intermediate Hacking[edit]

If you want to get into some more advanced hacking, repeat step one but smoke lots of weed afterwards. After you do this, you will begin to hallucinate. In your visions, you may see the Gus, Master of the Internet. Gus might tell you the secret of hacking. Alternatively, try gacking.

Intermediate Gacking[edit]

Gacking is the secret art of Kung-Fu hacking. When one gacks, they kick the computer and their kick goes all the way to some other computer, which is subsequently pinged, and from there you can continue to gack until it shows their Reddit account password.

Note: Gacking is not very reliable.