HowTo:Be An Honest Crook
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“I am not a crook...Honest!!”
I hate it when people make statements that have absolutely no proof whatsoever. Take this one. "There's no such thing as an honest crook." What a bunch of bull crap! It makes me so mad that I think it's about time that we go and prove them all wrong. I know what you're thinking. "What can I do to help prove your ridiculous point?" Well I'm glad you asked.
Before we set out to do this I have some questions for you. First, are you an honest person? Great! Next, are you too lazy to work for your money and would rather take it from others? Fantastic! Finally, are you stupid enough to think this'll actually work? Well then my man, it's time for us to get to work. Just remember that honesty is the best policy...
We're going to start small. As you can tell, we're at a convenience store. Your task is simple. You're going to enter the store and steal a candy bar. Be sure not to hide the fact that you are doing this. That would be dishonest. Instead, you're going to walk up to the lady at the register and tell her that you are taking the candy bar and that you have no intention of paying for it. Be sure to tell them not to call the police or chase after you with a gun as that would likely completely ruin any chance of you getting away with this crime. Also tell them that you'll run like the dickens if they were to call the police or try to shoot you, and that you won't stop running until you are caught, shot, or get away.
Are you ready? Okay good. Go ahead an give it a shot. And remember, honesty is the best policy...
One Week Later
Hey, great to see ya! How're doing? It's nice to see you out of jail. Aww, don't worry. I'm sure you'll get a slap on the wrist. Were you sure to tell the officer everything about what happened? Remember that honesty is a 24-hour job and you must be completely honest all the time, even to the man. Well your court date isn't for another couple months so let not get worked up about it.
Anyway, we're not going to let this setback get to us. It's time for us to move on to bigger and better things. And I just happen to have the perfect job for you to do next.
Credit Card Fraud
I created this phishing site a few months ago and I managed to get a hold of a few credit card numbers. Anyway, the great thing about credit card fraud is that it's so easy to get away with since you're completely anonymous. Well, we're going to change that. I'm giving you several credit card numbers. Go online right now and go on a shopping spree. My treat. There is a catch though. After you use the cards, you have to call the people whose cards you used and tell them that you were using their cards. Be sure to tell them your name and address. Also ask them nicely not to turn you in to the police as that would ruin your scheme to get free stuff by ruining their credit. Anyway, I'll leave you alone while you enjoy your shopping. Make sure you tell them, okay? Remember, honesty is the best policy...
One Month Later
There you are! I was beginning to wonder what had happened to you. What do you mean it took your parents that long to bail you out? What an outrage! Anyway, I'm sure your parents were thrilled to find out about your new found profession. What? They weren't? Wow, you really have become honest. I've taught you well. Anyway, we can't let these setbacks get us down. I'm sure the next job will work out much better.
Okay, I've been scoping this house for the last month while you were gone. These people are always gone for hours on Sunday morning. It's a bit secluded so the neighbors shouldn't be able to see us break in. This'll be an easy job. We'll be in and out in no time. Okay, let's get this started.
Okay, we're inside. It's time for you to start taking any jewels and cash that you can find. Ooo, there's a laptop. That'll sell well. It's like a candy store, isn't it?
Well, there is something else you need to do. You're going to have to call these people on their cellphone and inform them that you've broken into their house. Be sure to tell them that you're stealing their stuff and if they hurry and call the police that they have a pretty good chance of capturing you and... wait... did you hear that? Crap! They're back! They're never home this early.
Okay, lets not panic. Looks like you'll have to take matters into your own hands. You're going to have to kill them. Hey, I'm trying to teach you, I'm not supposed to get my hands dirty. Anyway, I want you to walk up to them and tell them you're going to kill them so that they don't go and tell the police that you were trying to burglarize their house. Try to make this as quick as possible. I don't like the sight of blood...
Okay, that didn't go as well as I thought it would. Who'd have thought he carried a gun with him? Anyway, I'm sure that wound isn't fatal. Now that the job is done, you're going to have to tell somebody about this. Go through that guy's cell phone... there we go. Looks like the number of their son. I want you to call him and tell him that you killed his parents when they walked in while you were burglarizing their house. Be sure to ask him where he currently is so you can kill him too since he knows too much. Tell him that if he calls the police right away that they'll probably get a hold of you before you can get away. Tell him not to do that.
Okay, so anyway I'll be sure to take these jewels and cash off your hands while you take care of that. I'll wait for you in the car. Remember that honesty is the best policy...
One Year Later
Hey man, long time no see! How're you holding up? Not good huh? Yeah, jail can be tough, but I'm sure spending the rest of your life in here won't be so bad.
Anyway, there's something I need to tell you... Well, you see, I haven't been honest with you. While you were busy shoplifting and getting caught, I was grabbing beer out of the back room of the store, since you were such a great distraction. And the cards? I have used them all, leaving enough credit on them for you to use and I made you take the fall for stealing them. And the burglary? Hey, I'm sorry that I drove off and left you behind, but let's face it. You were screwed, and I didn't want to go down with you.
Anyway, I'm glad to get this off my chest... Wow! I feel so much better! Maybe there is something to this honesty stuff. Perhaps honesty is the best policy. I can tell from your expression of extreme rage that you agree. Anyway, I need to go. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Aren't you glad that you're the world's first and only truly honest crook?
One Week Later
Oh, hey! How are you?! How'd you get out?! Oh, you busted yourself out?! Hey wait a minute! How did you do that?! You must have done that without telling the guards the truth! That's dishonest! Wait, what? You did tell them?! And they didn't believe you?! Wow! Who would have thought that would've worked?! That's amazing! Hey, you're just in time. I was going to rob a bank, and I needed some help. You can go in there and...What? You're going to kill me?! You've got to be joking?! Quit messing with me! Ha Ha Ha Ha...
Bang! Bang!! Bang!!!
Oh, man that hurt! I guess you were being honest. Cough! Well, I don't have much time left, so before I die I'll give you some advice that'll help you while you continue to be the world's only honest crook...
- Be sure that when you steal a car to leave a note that has your name and address so they can know where you took their car.
- When raping a woman, make her scream your name, address, and phone number. That'll make it easier for her to remember it when she tells the police.
- Encourage the bank tellers to hit the silent alarm while you rob them. It's always more honest to let the police know what you are doing.
- When running a scam website, be sure to tell people on the website that it is indeed a scam.
- Wearing the proper attire while doing criminal activities is not only honest, it's a fashion statement. Black and white stipes never go out of style!
- When playing three card monte, be sure to have the cards face up so the marks can see you trying to cheat them.
- When pickpocketing someone, always be right in front of them while reaching into their purse or pocket. Make it obvious that you're doing that. Scream it if you have to.
- When trying to give someone a sub-prime loan, be sure that all the print on the contract is easy to read with no legal jargon.
- When doing your taxes, make sure you tell the IRS where all the money you been putting into tax shelters is located. Be sure to tell them that you owe outrageous amounts of tax money!
- Never, EVER, convince yourself that being dishonest will provide more success! You owe it to yourself to uphold the core principles of honesty! Never forget that!
Oh man...the light! I can see it...guess this is the end. I've taught you everything I know. You have one more thing you have to do. You have to tell the police that you killed me. Hack!! Cough!! You have to!! Doing otherwise would be dishonest!! You also need to make sure you tell them you've broken out of jail...What? You've already done that? Amazing...you truly have learned well. I'm proud of you...
Honesty is surely the best policy...