History of New Jersey

Old Jersey

see Atlantis

Pre-colonial Era through the Colonial Era

Lenapehoking

In days of yore, after Atlantis, or Old Jersey, sank to the bottom of the sea, the survivors ran into tomb raiders from the west, known as the Lenni Lenape (pronunciation: "Kowa Bonga"), whose main claim to fame were inventing a lot of weird names for places, such as "Manalapan", "Matchaponix" "Upyourassloser", "Bennygohome", and "Suckasscuz" (later anglicized to "Secaucus"). They had a great sachem (whatever that is) named "Tammany", who invented the art of grubbing for votes by bribing people, a practice that continues to this day.

It is known that in the pre-colonial era, the Native Americans of New Jersey were ruled by the mighty warrior known as The Great Umpapa. He ruled his people for over 37.5 years. When new Native Americans (the "Uneedtogopee") started settling in New Jersey, The Great Umpapa saw his village being stolen away. The Mighty Warrior declared war, and the white settlers knew that they would not be able to defeat him. Therefor, they imported a great canoe from Australia that was composed of marsupials. Those marsupials were ordered to attack The Great Umpapa's people. His village was completely wiped out by those marsupials, and The Great Umpapa was killed by a kangaroo. This was the start of the Ooragnak Tribe, led by King Thunderthud the Great, and later by his daughter, Queen Summerfall Winterspring. They founded a town called "Doodyville", but it was changed to "Trenton" after too many folks used the place as a shithole.

The House of DeCenso

The House of DeCenso, which ruled New Jersey centuries later, are known to be the descendants of The Great Umpapa and King Thunderthud. This house is also descended from marooned Italians of the Guido Tribe, who, following Columbus, looked to settle brand-new shores. The first European member of the royal line stowed away on Henry Hudson's "Half Moon". Upon getting to what is now New York Harbor, he jumped into the water and stumbled into the swamp nearby (later the "Meadowlands"), all covered with barnacles and oysters and dripping wet. It was here that he proclaimed the "House of Barnacle", only to decide that wasn't Italian enough. After several changes ("House of Guido", "House of Pizza", "House of Venice", "House of Bad Traffic"), he settled on "House of DeCenso".

[1] King Umair of New Jersey

The most famous ruler of New Jersey

was King Lorenso of DeCenso. The beloved king, of mixed Italian-Jewish-Phoenician-New Jersey-Sicilian heritage, was best known for restoring New Jersey to Catholic fundamentalism and expelling all Protestants from the kingdom in exchange for the Jewish population of southern Poland. However, Lorenso had a problem with holding grudges and his temper (as well as frequent cravings for Junior Frostys, eaten more slowly than Mario Azzi running), and those who had confronted him in the past continued to torment him during his rule. After 8.6 years in office, he was assassinated in the final chapter in the most violent of these grudges, between Lorenso and his assassin Joewy "two-tone" Pedrolaci-Liebowitz, a well-known moderate. King Lorenso lived to be 34 years old. (That's how you spell "assassinate", right?)

After the fall of King Lorenso, New Jersey became a part of the United States of America. (This was accompanied by three huge battles. In the first one, a man named George Washington farted into the king's lunch in Trenton, after getting stuck in Delaware River ice and then complaining that the King hadn't plowed the river yet. In the second one, the king and Mr. Washington argued over which parts of Princeton University they should get, with the Queen trying to make a separate college up in New Brunswick, thus founding Rutgers University. The third was the most epic, as both sides were trying to marry and swyve Molly Pitcher, an exceedingly sexy tramp who was fond of giving the local troops water. So they started shooting up Pitcher's house, which turned into shooting at each other, until the King was hit in the mouth. He exclaimed, "Oh! My mouth!", thus naming the place Mymouth (now Monmouth Battlefield).)

300 years later, the very first foreign candidate ran for governor of New Jersey as a Democrat. (Nobody knows what happened to the intervening years. Legend has it that Thomas Edison, inventor extraordinaire, came up with a huffing machine that huffed them.) Receiving huge support from foreign groups and minority, he won the elections. He was known as Giuseppe Garabaldi, but after his oath into office, he declared that he was the descendant of King Lorenso, and dissolved the Senate and all other ruling powers in New Jersey. The United States government was indifferent to this, because according to President Daniel Hubbard, "America has a lot more to worry about than a small state of New Jersey". Garabladi, who later renamed himself to King Lorenso of DeCenso II, took advantage of this opportunity. Through mass propaganda, he gained support, and made a famous speech, giving solution to the people of New Jersey of a major problem: the overpopulation crisis. For the next month, King Lorenso II exiled all people of Chinese or oriental decent to the neighboring state of New York. This time, the central government stepped in, and demanded the resignation of King Lorenso II. In response, King Lorenso II declared New Jersey as an independent country.

King Lorenso II was the locked up New Jersey ruler.

Or so he though. The women of New Jersey started to riot as they wanted to go to places other than the kitchen. After receiving one of their petitions King Lorenso II replied with an incredulous, "women... outside the kitchen?!... whaT?"

Lorenso II was angered, and he blamed his anger on Blair Brettshneider, the editor of TImes Magazine. In a recent issue, Time magazine accused King Lorenso II of abusing women's rights, and King ULorenso II threatened war against New York, and banned Time Magazine in New Jersey. However, pressures from the United Nations forced King Lorenso II to abandon his threat for war, and solve the conflict in a more peaceful way.

King Lorenso II and President Hubbard of USA agreed to have a friendly match between the national soccer team of the United States (coached by Mike Dimmer) and the national Soccer team of New Jersey (known commonly as the Jesey Devils; coached by Chiam Jewowitz). They are scheduled to meet on June 18.

However, two days before the game, Chiam Jewowitz was caught eating non-Kosher Chicken. He was fired from his job. He was replace by the ultra conservative Pope Pious the sequal.

However, just as the New Jersey team was about to win the match, the Chinese population stormed the field in its entirety, leaving both teams trampled, and therefore, the Chinese were able to establish a branch government in the US.

King Lorenso II was not please by this, and he made another famous speech declaring a full-out war against China. Here are some excerpts from his speech: "I'm happy to see that all of you were affected by our game like I was" "Now, we all know why we are here, and we all know what needs to be done" "We’re going to have most of them on the trains heading to Philadelpha; others will head to New York; others to Baltimore" "Fellow Jewtalians of New Jersey, our numbers have grown, and now together, we have the power to change the world." "Now I believe we should take to the streets of New York, and march in unwavering support of this important war. (applause) And as we march, we shall also voice our support. SO, when I say, ‘WHAT IS THE FINAL SOLUTION TO THE OVERPOPULATION PROBLEM?’ You all chant back ‘Uccidere tutto il cinese'*" Itallian for “Kill all Chinese people”.

• Itallian, which was introduced as another major language of New Jersey. The people of New Jersey did not mean it literally, but wanted to get their point across.

Through this speech, King Umair II gave his solution to the problem of Chinese people taking out jobs.

King UmairII was assassinated at the age of 52 New Jersey years. This led to an all out civil war between North Jersey and South Jersey. This led to the restoration of the Senate and the powerful takeover of Queen Kristey of Whitman the Great

The True Story of King Lorenzo II

King Lorenzo II was the most oppressive King in New Jersey history. He introduced slavery and attempted to Californicate the entire state. The effects of this horrible disaster can stil be scene in housing developments today. His rain is known as the Colonial era because he illeagaly sold Staten Island, Brooklin, Queens, Nova Scotia, The Delaware Bay, and parts of New England to New York.

The Golden Era

Queen Kristey of Whitman led New Jersey into a new and glorius era of prosperous fortunes. She revived the Oyster, Poltry, Glass, Iron, leather, porn, and farm based industry and recalimed Staten Island, Brooklin, Queens, Nova Scotia, The Delaware Bay, and parts of New England which had been sold to New York. She cleaned the entire Atlantic Ocean and took over Canada, India, Papau New Gunia, Australia, India, Finland, the Fawklin Islands (strategic sheep perpouses) and Greenland establishing the Great New Jersey Empire. She annexed the small Jewish Nation for Cherry Hill, restored the state Religion to Catholo-Jewdism and banished Satan from the land, forcing him to reside within the many blue holes of the state. Queen Kristey brought peace, prosperity, and pasta to the nation of New Jersey which was created after the sinking of Atlantis (Old Jersey).

Today

Those who are not fighting Sporano always say this

New Jersey is currently ruled by The Sopranos, end of story!!

The dum mook who is not afraid said this

New Jersey is currently ruled by the Mafiosos who have corrupted the wanna-be democratic government. However, the underground war against The Sopranos and other "Northerners" has been started back in the 1970s by the Kingda Cowboy of the South when he and people of South Jersey made separated and founded the nation of Redneck Jersey. He was assinated in 2006 by the gay former governor, AKA Jim McGreevey, when he was making fun of gay people in Bluebird & The Big Mac Sauce at the Redneck Jersey State Fair @ Garden State Park & Race Track!!!!!!! after a successful raid of the Jewish fortress, Cherry Hill. In an attempt to twart further plans of the ROTH (Rednecks Of This Hicktown), Jim McGreevey unleashed a massive heard of giant, gay South American rats, or nutria, into the swamps of Redneck Jersey where they will eat the swamp plants which make up most of the diet of the rednecks other than KFC and Beef. Redneck Jersey was than anexed back into Non-Redneck Jersey and is now the Home Of The Whopper.

The Memorial of Kingda Cowboy, the assinated leader of the rednecks in CowTown, NJ. The memorial featured him with a gun, but the "Northerners" took it down because it was "politicly incorrect"