Why?:Become a Headbanger
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Oh man, I'm so pumped! All this friggin' screamin', riffin', and poundin', it's making me want to just jump into my stereo and rock the socks off of everyone in my house, not to mention the world! Hell yeah! Oh, and the HAIR. Dude, I wish I had hair as long as Niagara Falls so that I can whiplash all those bitches as I'm thrashin' my head! They would be all like, "Oh, Hello, mister, can you-AUUYAAAAGHHH! THE PAIN!" Then they'd split in frickin' half, as if they were in a slasher flick! That. Would. Be. AWESOME. Oh, but the best part is-wait...what? "What the hell am I talking about?" Dude!
First off all, I wasn't talking, I was screaming, man. Or, better yet, I was GROWLING. Yeah, that's better. Growling sounds much more manlier than screaming, 'cause screaming is for girls, and girls listen to bubblegum pop. Secondly, I was GROWLING about being a head banger, man! "What's a headbanger?" Dude, are you serious? You've got to be kidding me! Head bangers are the most metal people in the universe! They. Freaking. ROCK. No, they freaking METAL. I don't care if that doesn't make sense, it's cool. Yeah, head bangers are cool and metal. Simultaneously! What's that, man? "Well, I could understand being cool and all, but, besides that, why else would I want to become a headbanger?" Dude, I'm about to TELL, no YELL, why you should, man. You ready for this? Let's rock n' roll!
Firstly, There's Breaking stuff!
When you're a head banger, you can break stuff and nobody cares! Or, better yet, they're too afraid to care! They're afraid that if they complain, they'll get head banged right in their mother taking non-headbanging face! Being able to break stuff without penalties absolutely ROCKS. Huh? "What about the police?" Dude, they're too busy chasing all those rappers n' posers to worry about head bangers! And dude, you can bet they're worried, cause they are afraid of us too, just like everyone else! You wanna know why? Well, you see this computer desk here? Yeah, this one.
Now it's two desks! But, as you may have noticed, the computer can't sit on it anymore. That's because I broke it in half. With my head. What's that? "Didn't that hurt?" Hell no, man! When you've been a head banger as long as me, and, trust me, I've been one for a long time, you can't even feel your head! Yeah, man. Someone could stick a drill in my skull and I wouldn't feel it and, compared to that, this desk is nothing! dude, I could stack twelve of these desks on top of each other and head bang them straight to hell! No wait, heaven! That's right, man. When you're an experienced head banger, you make things fly up towards God when you break 'em! And, dude, isn't that worth becoming a head banger all in itself? "No?" Aw dude! Now I have to keep typing this instead of going to that concert I bought a ticket for with my entire pay check, but it's cool. By the time I'm done typing this, you'll be wondering why you didn't become a head banger when you were born, man! Now, let's see...
Oh man! I just remembered how pumped being a head banger gets you!
I'm serious, man! I was on the bus this morning, right? Listening to my metal CDs, of course! And this kid walks up to me and asks me if he could borrow my homework to copy it for first period, and I was all, like, "Hell no!", only I didn't speak. My fist did all the talking, man! I had that kid flat on the ground before he could tell where or what the ground was! It was so awesome, except for the part when I got arrested and tried for breaking the kids nose. I should've been tried for being too metal, but I wasn't. It wouldn't have mattered either way, though. All I did was just nod at the judge and he let me go. Oh man, that should've been a section itself. "Become a Head Banger and Get out of Jail, even in Monopoly!" Righteous!
Screw it, though. You need to see just how pumped you get when being a head banger. So...so...ahah! I got it, man! I'm gonna jump off the roof onto this trampoline! What? "Isn't that dangerous?" Well, yeah, dude! That's why I'm doing it! Only head bangers are metal enough to do dangerous things. Now let's get on that roof! On the way, I can give you another reason why you should become a head banger! Like..
Yeah! When you're a head banger, you make all sorts of music! Music that's metal, of course! You just grab a guitar, or air guitar, and flail your head around like you're on steroids or something and everyone will love you, man! But you gotta make sure you take that freaking guitar in both hands and smash the holy hell out of it! Yeah, the audience will love you for life, as long as you don't get guitar chunks in their eyes, man. Gotta be careful of that. Oh wait, my bad! You DON'T, cause you'd be a head banger, dude!
And after you're done smashing that guitar, man, you dive into the crowd and command that those sons a bitches catch you, and if they actually do that, man, you've proved that you're a head banger who can make some damn good music, despite what those idiots in the ghetto or churches say? Oh, but I forgot about drumming, man! If you're one of those guys that likes to hit stuff, including their girlfriends, you gotta be a drummer! If you hammer on those drums all night, all the other head bangers will love you, especially the babes, man! Aside from money, breaking stuff, rocking out, and being famous for all that stuff, that's what head banging is really all about, man; the chicks!
Yeah, chicks are real-oh! Dude, we're here! Get ready, man, this is going to be so sick! You watching man? Alright, here it goes!
...okay, so I'm on a Stretcher. Big deal, man!
Since I'm metal, breaking both my backbone doesn't faze me, man! You think a little-*crack*...ow...oh god, man, that hurt. Maybe I was wrong about this whole metal thing. Could the hair, the metal, the money, the fame, and the chicks all be a lie? Was everyone I ever looked up too, and beaten by, including my jail bound father, been wrong? Is every metal band out there just telling me to be metal so that they can make a profit? Is my CD collection just full of pointless, angry dribble?
...nah. God's just pissed at me, man! Yeah, that's it! He's mad that I'm more metal than him, and Jesus, COMBINED. Yeah, he's totally jealous, man. I'm gonna make him pay for this! Yeah, it'll be rad! You in on this, dude?
...uh...dude? Hello? Where'd you go, man?