This article is certified safe for prudes. It is so tame, you could walk right up and poke it in the eye and it wouldn't fight back. The MPAA couldn't give it more than a PG rating, and even China has no desire to censor it. So just sit your family down in front of the computer, and bask in the warmth of its gentle humour.
“Ah... Pretty ladies!”
“AAAAAAA! Children of the corn! Get me my rifle!”
“In Soviet Russia, Hanson Mmmmbops YOU!!!!”
The Hanson sisters met in 1995 on an early unaired version of American Idol. The show was unaired because the producers decided to leave it for a more gullible generation. The girls all hail from Tulsa, Oklahoma and all come from big cheese farming families.
In June 2002 Taylor was the first of the girls to tie the knot to her sweetheart Natalie in Springfield (which allows for gay marriages) which is located in one of the states of America. Their first child was born soon after and many more followed quickly. A lot of the children are named after their own songs, Penelope after Penny & Me and River after the song of the same name. After them came Katie, Jamie, Johnny, Lucy, Madeline, Lulla Belle, Yearbook, Weird, Misery, Speechless, Deeper, Hey, and Mmmbop Hanson. The other two girls married earlier this year.
Forming in January of 1995, a little known fact is that Hanson originally were set to perform as an extreme death metal/grindcore/deathcore group, recording an EP throughout February, entitled "That Stupid Fucking Cunt Owes Me Fifteen Bucks, And I'll Be Damned If He Thinks He's Not Giving It Back, Cunt." Six tracks were recorded, and 100 copies of the EP were distributed before the band's manager- one Robert Mugabe, a Zimbabwean President in his spare time- decided he wanted the band to go in more of a 'pop' direction. As a result of this, no further copies were released, and record shops stocking the EPs were burnt to the ground. Seven were sold before this occured, a fact which Mugabe has not let slip. He is still on the hunt for two of those seven people.
It is also a little known fact that for a short time, between 1994/5 that the band a fourth member. Mr Peter Ray MacNeeel a distant relative, was atributed with penning the Hit Song 'mmm Bop' but left the band due to an unexpected pregnancy. He always intended to return to the band but after a offer to join UK pop sensation Steps he decided to offically quit Hanson and moved to Britain to pursue his dream. He remains close to the hanson twins to this day, 'They will always been close friends of mine we shared such a precious time together as young men growing up. They were really supportive of me when i started experimenting with my sexuality. Things started to go down hill after my gender reassignment, we had just grown apart but they will always have a special place in my heart'
They released two independent albums, Boom Boom Boom in 1995 and Mmmcheesy in 1996 before they were eventually signed by Mercury records simply because Mercury wanted to steal their cheese farming secrets. A move which Mugabe was not happy with, before finally declaring "Fuck all you hoes. Bitchez be trippin an shiiiiiiiet." However after a number of years Mercury failed to get the girls to talk, so they dropped them. While they were with Mercury, Hanson released their best selling album We Are Everywhere. A copy of this album mysteriously found a way into almost every home in the world, without actually being wanted. It was thought that the government had planted cameras within the CDs and they are watching you right now.
The main single released from this album was "Mmmcheesy" and is famous for the line, "I am cheesio," said by the eldest Hanson sister, Isuck. The video featured the girls showing off their gardening skills by showing a giant pansy that they had grown. The video is also thought to have contained subliminal messages telling people to buy more cheese. Cheese sales increased dramatically not long after the song was released.
During this period, the group were responsible for negotiating the release of Richard Branson of Virgin fame. He was kidnapped by a group calling themselves Boyz II Men. Although it was never confirmed, it is believed that Hanson paid the kidnappers ransom demand of 10 Kuwaiti Dinars (approximately US$27). This episode was summed-up by a British tabloid newspaper in the now-famous headline, "Hanson pay Branson Ransom"
At the end of 1997, the girls released a Christmas Album entitled Avalanche. The album consists of many SOS messages they recorded while being snowed in for several months. It is strongly believed that due to the fact that they were trapped in their home during the summer months, that there was actually no avalanche. They all just suffered an intense case of Blonde, which caused them to be unable to open door handles correctly.
Their next studio album Merry Go Round was released with their new record company, Island Deaf Jam. As the name suggests, the company members are actually deaf and only signed the band because they lost a bet to a chimpanzee. This album received no government funding and as a result didn’t end up in every home but instead ended up only being played at the annual Cheese Worshiping Festival in their hometown. It received an award for being the cheesiest album.
When word got back to Island Deaf Jam about the cheese cult, they were instantly dropped and Hanson became an Indie band. They left their cheese farms to live in Tepees and were often seen hunting anyone wearing a cowboy hat and scavenging for food. It was during this period that began their own record label, 3 Person Tent Records, and released their album Underprivileged, which consisted of many tracks of the girls complaining about their situation. They embarked on an acoustic tour to promote Underprivileged. They only played gigs in tents and had no electricity and therefore nowhere to plug in electric guitars etc. However in 2005, a change came for the girls when they came first in a leap frog competition and were able to do an electric tour again. They thus released a live album entitled Best of Hanson: We Found The Plugs.
- In January of 2006, the band was accused of eating children. Michael Jackson later confessed to the majority of the crimes, with Hanson only eating the 'less tasty' bits, such as the scrotum or toe.
- Hanson greatly influenced fellow boy band Nickleback with whom they regularly participate in band orgies and sexual gatherings.
- Zac Hanson also fell upon the strange one's and discovered "beastialty"
Hanson have just released their new album "Skipping Along" in Japan where Taylor hanson has said that this album is to show they are not the same people they were ten years ago. but judging by the title of the album it seems rather than taking a few steps forward the've taken ten back! They have in fact tried to recover their dignity by releasing "go and find my dignity" as their first single. It hasn't worked in the slightest. In fact one of our staff members was in Japan this week and 90% of the public have decided to emigrate. They say Hanson has "tainted" their country with mindless babble and childish head-ache numbers! Some have even said they are willing to start a campaign to stop them releasing the new record anywhere else in the world. They believe it is not fair to put us through such cruelty.
Back in 2006 Hanson released "Split in the behind" which is on the current album. They said that it was absolutely nothing to do with experiences. In an interview Taylor accidentally let slip that they did in fact have drunken night and met up with other "rockers" such as fall out boy and greenday, which led to them having an "experience" and writing the song!
In 2009 it was found that Benjimano Lovecock was the 4th Hanson sister who was jettisoned from the band just before they became famous. The reasons given for her exclusion from the band was that she was not girly enough and the affinity she showed towards death metal music didn't fit into the prerequisite of a shitty pop band, she was the one who campaigned to remain a grindcore/deathcore group. Ben is now filing a law suit against the band as she claims the songs were all written by her (a claim no-one wants to make surely).
- Boom Boom Boom (1995)
- Mmmcheesy (1996)
- We Are Everywhere (1997)
- Avalanche (1997)
- 3 Person Tent: The Indian Recordings (1998)
- Live From the Middle of Nowhere (1998)
- Merry Go Round (2000)
- Underprivileged Acoustic (2003)
- Underprivileged (2004)
- Best of Hanson: We Found the Plugs (2005)
- Skipping Along (2007)
- Reacharound: The Very Breast of Hanson (2010)
- She Bop (1995)
- Soaking Wet Dream-Pants (1996
- Mmmcheesy (1997)
- Where's My Hairbrush? (1997)
- I Am Watching You (1997)
- Strangeness (1998)
- Thinking of My Hairbrush (1998)
- Merry Go Round (2000)
- If Only I Could Find My Hairbrush (2000)
- Dollars and Me (2004)
- Lost Without My Hairbrush (2005)
- Split in the behind (2006)
- Go and find my dignity (2007)
- We're Brothers And We Love Each Other (Just A Little Too Much) (2007)