Guy Smiley
“Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to the end of your mother fucking lives!”
Guy Smiley is a wanted criminal in connection with leading the terrorist sect The Eagle Of Christ, whose thirteen different chapters are currently planning to overthrow the United States government and return to a monarchy rule. He is also suspected in connection with starting a cannibalism cult and dance troupe who feed off the homeless.
Beginnings[edit | edit source]
Smiley (originally Bernard Leadercratz and later changed to avoid trouble from the Shoah Foundation) was born in Parmelee, South Dakota in 1952. Two days after birth, his family was slaughtered by local townsfolk who heard rumors of silver being hidden under their home. Turns out the rumor was half true and only led them to a pile of quicksilver. Not wanting to remember their fuck up for years to come, Guy was quickly tossed onto a Greyhound and shipped off to New York City with nothing but a microphone and his massive chin.
Upon arrival, he was immediately mugged, beaten and raped all within a span of three minutes. It didn't help matters that he was dropped off in the middle of Harlem. It was here that Smiley learned the ropes by way of the urban streets. After years of living off the streets, he soon learned to live off the theater. The Apollo Theater was looking for a janitor to clean up after their talent shows, and Smiley was the only person with the balls to take the job at the tender age of 10. The theater had no mop, so Guy was forced to clean the place with his tongue. Many believe his yellow skin tone is a result of his many years licking out the urinals.
Breakout[edit | edit source]
In 1971, Smiley was discovered by Kermit the Frog after coming in one night to have a casting couch audition with Janice for her new gig in the house band Electric Mayhem. When Kermit was finished, he came out to see Smiley on his knees cursing up a storm of how 'he'd make them all pay one day" in great detail. Having a fancy for world domination himself, Kermit immediately hired Smiley for a position on his brand new primetime clusterfuck... The Muppet Show. It was here Smiley got his first big break, being able to occasionally rant and rave during news and weather reports throughout the show. When executives demanded a more stern looking reporter, Smiley was given the boot. But having a soft spot in his heart, Kermit kept Smiley for more devious plans. Allowing him to take his rants to America's youth on the communist tele-rag Sesame Street.
The new opportunity presented a wide variety of jobs for Smiley to push his agenda onto children who were too smart for Today's Special, but not smart enough to get The Electric Company. Smiley took lead role as host of many game shows where he was able to tote his rederrick across the nation without notice, simply due to the fact that parents can barely stand to sit through sixty seconds of the show to begin with. In this time Smiley was able to encourage children to play with matches, steal money, lie while still looking people in the eye, stick wires in electrical sockets, and count to 666. With frequent funding coming in from the Ukraine owned company Children’s Television Workshop, Smiley was able to parley his way back into news and controlled the informational media going out of the show.
Suspected Cannibalism Involvement[edit | edit source]
It was during these years that many on the show suspected Smiley of having a taste for "the other red meat". The show's Mexican handyman Luis was found dead in his closet May 3rd, 1982, missing all of his limbs and his chest cavity. Suspected for months it was due to failure to pay off the mob for his gambling habits, no one thought differently. It wasn't until Telly noticed that Smiley's new trailer curtains had the same pattern as Luis' shirt from the day he died that people suspected his involvement and potential cannibalistic cravings. During this period a cannibalism group had started gaining popularity in the New York state area due to Ronald Reagan's "mishandling" of government funds, forcing the price of meat to go up and a sudden decrease of homeless people. An anonymous source on set led police to Smiley's trailer after reporting seeing cult meetings (led by Smiley in a robe) involving menu item naming and selling old clothing. Police turned up no evidence, but many believe Smiley is the one behind the movement.
The Eagle Of Christ[edit | edit source]
Originally started in the early 1960's as a way for angry Christians to bomb hospitals for going against the will of God, the group had no real leadership other than that of "the one true power". In 1989 the group suffered an insurrection over an argument over whether they should live off chicken or beef flavored Ramen, leading to shotgun wars across the Idaho/Oregon border. Survivors of the group meandered down into Utah making their new home along he Wasatch Front. It was at this time Smiley was roaming through Utah in search of a new faith after a sexual harassment claim was made by Grover. By a chance meeting at a local Denny's with members, Smiley was convinced that God was a superstition created by the government, and that he should take up arms against their rule at all costs.
Smiley quickly killed (possibly ate) what leaders were left in the middle of the night and strong-armed his way to the top in under a week by use of an old gold watch he apparently stole from the late (possibly eaten) Mr. Hooper. Plans began quickly to overthrow the government rule. First the group managed to liquefy over 2000 gallons of Xanax and slipped it into the drinking water of eastern Texas in 1990. This terrorist act caused Vernon Howell to change his name to David Koresh, eventually leading to the 1993 incident at Waco. The Eagle Of Christ are also indirectly linked to the Oklahoma City bombing, pogs, the invasion of Iraq, the Red Sox 2004 World Series win, and XM Radio.
Presidential Run[edit | edit source]
In early 2007 Smiley made a run for the White House on the Republican ticket. Using his mafia ties from the famous Battle of Sesame Street, Smiley was able to pass himself off as a former CEO of the 2002 Winter Olympics and governor of Massachusetts. In the January 2008 Iowa Caucus, the first contest of the primary elections, Smiley received 25% of the vote and placed second to Mike Huckabee, who received 34%. But Huckabee was quickly taken out after it was revealed he was Beaker in disguise.
Within weeks of Huckabee's withdraw, it was discovered that all of those in running were in fact, Muppets in disguise. Hillary Clinton was Miss Piggy who screamed a lot and loved a toad, Barack Obama was Elmo who just said nothing but simplistic sentences with his name in them, and John McCain was Statler... the old guy from the balcony who yelled nonsense. And the stunning revilation that President Bush was in fact... the Swedish Chef. Ever solidifying the ultimate proof that presidents are nothing but fuzzy puppets with hands up their asses telling them what to do.
Following the results of the 2008 Super Tuesday primaries, Smiley suspended his campaign for the presidential nomination in February 2008. He went on to say "I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the Fraggle Rock of the 21st Century - a bunch of hippies hiding in caves living off salt-based foods that look like glass." Knowing full well that he couldn't stand up against such titans of the foam rubber, Smiley withdrew from the race and went on to support Statler. Smiley won 11 states primaries and caucuses, 4.2 million votes and 291 delegates. All of which eventually went to the Democratic party.