Grantchester Meadows
“It's some place in England. It's a song. It's a song about some place in England.”
“It is best to meditate in the meadows outside the city. Go to a grassy field, and the grass will awaken your heart”
It was Grantchester Meadows that Roger Waters and his boyhood friend Syd Barrett came, once upon a time, to bask in the sunshine of a by gone afternoon, half-submerged in shallow water along the riverbank, their bodies smeared with feces and urine (commonly thought to cure acne) and talk about that thing the other Hobbits do with their corncob pipes ((but never themselves do it). Syd found in a box of Crackerjack a plastic diamond ring, whereupon Roger's eyes became wide with greed. "I wants it," he said, "It's my birthday." Here our story ends. No one ever saw the ring again. Syd checked into a local clinic complaining of intestinal problems due to ingestion of raw sewage. Roger would go on to metamorphize into a Gollum creature and remained oblivious to his character deformation, seeing his reflection only in pools inside of dark caves.
Gollum in all his refinery[edit | edit source]
Some forty years later, Roger completed a classical CD, earning for himself a place in the high-brow cultural establishment, a status he'd long sought to achieve. His new opera "Qa Eda" centers on his fascination with decapitation. The idea first took form in 1986 while watching the movie "Highlander", in the opening scene where a man is beheaded in the parking garage under Madison Square Garden. He thought it would be cool to shock his audience who came to be mesmerized by his acclaimed psychedelic music stage show. Aiming a spotlight at an unsuspecting fan, Roger screamed like some demented Scottish fucker, "There's one smoking a joint!" On stage the screen depicted an animation of a man getting his head cut off. A security detail was assigned to be vigilant for any female fans who displayed a favorable response to Roger's random acts of barbarism; who were then granted immediate access to his dressing room. This posed a dilemma, since there was no shortage of skanky 'hos with sexually transmitted diseases. Compounding the problem was the security detail's insistence that the prospective "groupies" be brought to the guard's office for "questioning" enabling the guards to get first dibs before Roger.
"Well I've NEVER been so INSULTED in my entire LIFE"[edit | edit source]
After considerable time spent sulking and feeling cheated over the lack of perks enjoyed by other rock stars, Roger noticed noticed how clean the women looked as they gathered outside the Lincoln Center, thinking it'd be nice if he could stop gritting his teeth and assimilate into the Performing Arts crowd. This would eventually inspire Roger toward Classical music, but not before having a try at Ballet choreography. It seemed a natural choice for him, there being no shortage of young white suburban males who were bored and willing to do stupid things for an old queer. With the introduction of the Goose-Stepping Dance, Roger perfected the art of marching in leotards with genitalia swaying to and fro in sync with the music. The ticker-tape monitors dissuaded him from coming across as a sissy since this could jeopardize profits accrued from sales of "The Wall" merchandise sold to shaven-headed stomping-boot-wearing fag-haters. The competition for impressionable minds was fierce in Central and Eastern Europe after decades under communism, and distribution outlets were already stocked with Marching Hammers and the new line of Joseph Goebbels action figures. In keeping with a bad-ass image, Roger singled out users of ILLEGAL DRUGS as easier to pick on whom no one cared about because what they did was AGAINST THE LAW and worthy of getting their head lopped off.
All slime molds settle in the pavement cracks and ooze toward Rome[edit | edit source]
Submitting his idea to the Ministry of High Culture in Rome, he was jokingly told his guillotine was better suited for the Colosseum. Roger got defensive, pointing out the fact that acoustics are better in a theatre as opposed to a large stadium. They agreed, not mentioning the fact that a stadium would appear virtually empty during Roger's performance. It was believed that somewhere beneath Saint Peter's Basilica were the actual remains of St. Peter, this being the objective of Roger's quest. Possession of the Prince of the Apostles would enable him to bargain with Satan whose attempt to acquire the body of Moses is well attested. It isn't necessary to delve into the dirty details of what the consequences are as direct result of desecrating the body of a founder of a Monotheistic Religion (such statements are susceptible to decapitation disease), It suffices to say that Roger liked the part about the subjugation (in accordance with Koran sura 2 "The Cow", verse 17) of women. This being the ultimate goal, Gollum and the Evil One rambled and roamed to Rome.
The prophecy of Gollum of the far seeing eye[edit | edit source]
While giving an interview to the Italian Paparazzi, Roger was asked about rumors of a plot to cryogenicly preserve Syd's body in the hope of someday reviving and restoring him to his former status with Pink Floyd, thus leaving Roger out of the equation. [1] Roger's eyes became wide and he gestured with his hand in the manner of a shaman as if pulling something out of thin air. He declared that he had the magic ring and that it was invisible so even the all-seeing eye of evil Lord Sauron couldn't locate it. Also, he was invincible; as he had demonstrated on his album, "Immune to Death", by digging up the cadaver of a World War I soldier and bringing it back to life to instill fear into all the armies of Meddle Earth.
A New World Order...A New World Order...A New World Order...[edit | edit source]
An official from the NSA, speaking under the condition of anonymity, conceded that secret anti-terror laws allowed them to use orbiting spy satellites to see under women's clothing, but denied the existence of a "Meddle Earth". When asked to comment further, Roger was unresponsive, wringing his hands and muttering "Where's my precious?". Recently declassified documents reveal that Roger was the subject of a military experiment, code-named: Godzilla Project. Contrary to Roger's claim of invincibility, it wasn't the corpse propped up like a scarecrow outside his residence that posed a threat, but rather it was the destructive power unleashed when he became sexually aroused while playing with a rubber chicken. His shrieks of pleasure were channeled through his narrow nasal passageway creating a trumpet-like blast that obliterated anything before him. Pentagon officials refused to comment.
