General Certificate of Secondary Education
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The General Certificate for Sitting an Exam (GCSE) is an academic qualification that measures your ability to pass exams. If you do badly at your GCSE's you will most likely die an early, uncomfortable and fully deserved death, as we are told by teachers who actually don't give a flying fuck because unlike SATs, the school isn't monitored as much with GCSEs. Adults say that GCSEs are apparently getting easier so when you open your envelopes feeling pleased with your 10 A*s, don't be. You should feel like shit, because you are shit. Literally. Despite your so-called A*, you're actually a failure. And they wonder why teenagers in this country are so depressed.
History[edit | edit source]
It all started in the year 2001 when school officials needed some sort of new torture for students because plain old bondage was getting boring. Tony Blair Ponce Hitler III had decided to rid the land of teenagers because they couldn't vote and didn't pay taxes. So GCSEs were a sort of slow form of genocide.
When King Adolf Tony Blair Ponce Hitler III died from an acute moustache arrest in 2007 his joint successors, Bored and Gown, continued the torture of GCSEs in his memory.
Jobs it has created[edit | edit source]
- Tea Lady
- Prostitute
- Chav (although that requires not having a job)
- Burger Flipping
- Hitler wannabe
- Fish-packer for Birds-Eye
- You
- A lowlife slob who likes to live rough
- happy slappers
Recent Cock Ups[edit | edit source]
The 2008 music listening paper had a bibliography of tracks printed on the back. This was useful to many candidates:
Bibliography: Track 1: Minimalism by John Adams
- Question 1: In which style is the piece?
- Question 2: Suggest a suitable composer for the piece.
Duh!
Secrets[edit | edit source]
The GCSEs hold extremely dark secrets which could ruin the whole of the tea country in the far eastern west of Jupiter, but it shall be said GCSEs hold the secret of controlling one's life, so that means Adolf Hitler (King Hitler III) has been reborn.
After he was resurrected, he made these children fight in the Great Dust War against Britain, many children died on that day, and so did Hitler.
For secrets on how to pass these exams try studying dipshit.
Prophecy[edit | edit source]
It is said when the GCSEs fade away Hitler 2894342340 will come and possess the papers and make children sit them again, and thus he will make the Great War against Kim Jong Il, who will undoubtedly lose because Hitler's army contains missiles which he will release upon the world in his great UFO of George, where he will control it and we will respect him as our God.
The Truth[edit | edit source]
Things learnt at GCSE level are not strictly true, such as the orbit of an electron shell being a circle, but among the much darker of these cover ups is the fact that Grass and Cheese are in fact elements in the periodic table. The whole GCSE Cover-up was proposed in the early 1st century when the republicans decided that too much knowledge was being granted to the younger generations, among the things taken out of GCSEs are:
- The sky is blue because somebody spilled a bucket of paint on the atmosphere.
- Humans are not actually animals, they are a from of vegetable along with cows and some types of paper.
- Grues.
- Existence of walking mushrooms was also cut out of GCSEs as it may scare people.
Among the lies added were:
The Possibility of GCSEs being useful[edit | edit source]
In a controversial move in Education, the Education Minister has suggested that GCSEs actually test intelligence and help the children instead of creating jobs for sad loners who mark the test papers during the summer.
"GCSEs could actually test skills like Communication and Skills," - The Education Office released in a Press Conference.
"Who knows? Maybe we'll even teach the kids something useful one day?" - She said doubtidly.
This has sparked a furious political row between the KTKSC (Keep the Kids Stupid Coalition) and the Liberal Democrats.
"It is inconceiviable that one day every child might even be able to read!" - Declared the leader of the KTKSC.
"Read? What mean read?" - Said The LibDem leader.
The Liberal Democrats have so far declined to comment, perhaps because of the lack of actual literate members, but it is generally believed that they support the implication of cheese into the school curriculum.
Burger King: The Business[edit | edit source]
After the King got someone to flip his Royal Burgers, Burger King grew from a small castle in Windsor to become one of the phenomena that is sometimes described as the "8th and a quarter wonder of the world!".
McDonalds is currently not employing GCSE students. They are deemed "too illiterate".