Final Fantasy VIII

The game's main character displays the chemical impossibility that metal can burn without engulfing everything within a 10 feet radius in a blazing inferno. Notice the shaving fail on his forehead.

Final Fantasy VIII is the eighth installment in the long-running softcore porn franchise, Final Fantasy. The game follows the series' tradition of using anti-social main characters, beautiful female actors and unpractical hairstyles. Crazy villains wanting to be very, very nasty boys also have a say in this one, namely since they want to destroy the whole planet to rebuild it anew according to their twisted fantasy, bringing back old memories of Donald Duck. Some critics will argue that it is an old cliché but nobody seems to care, since it sells. SquareSoft released the game in a desperate attempt to prove that they could do something ressembling Final Fantasy VII. The level of failure is left to the player's discretion.

The producers of the game were also hell-bent on proving that a character CAN be more emo than Cloud, the heroine of the previous game. The plot follows Squall, some emotionally challenged guy whose character is totally original, as he stalks his ex-boyfriend, Seifer, while at the same time ignoring the promiscuous girl who's desperately trying to turn him on, Rinoa. Some incredible events also occur with the supporting cast, like a metrosexual cowboy named Irvine hitting on a girl who is possibly the stupidest character in the game, Selphie.

Plot

Foul language was censored due to Square-Enix's 'W and F' policy, which consists of censoring the two words, 'was' and 'fuck'

The game starts with Squall, waking up near the brink of death after fighting with his former boyfriend Seifer over what color should the wallpaper of the bathroom be. His hot ass teacher, Quistis, walks in calmly after having witnessed the near-death experience of her student. The two of them opt to go for a walk to get some fresh air which naturally ends up becoming your normal Sunday walk in the park, namely a relentless battle with the Fire God himself, Ifrit.

The next day, Squall has to take the SeeD exam, an important test taken by the students of Garden (Yes, that's the name of the place). If he succeeds, he can now plant seeds in the garden. Squall is teamed up with his nemesis Seifer and Zell; some dude who was put in the game as a filler as he plays no role in the plot whatsoever apart from letting you meet his fat mom and finding magazines here and there so that he can learn some new moves. Stuff happens, as it always does, and Seifer is separated from Zell and Squall. Selphie, a messenger, shows up to deliver Squall a message that isn't really a message but just an excuse to make Selphie join your party. Some minor event ensues, in the form of a raging 300 ton steel machine pursuing the crew at 50 miles per hour to squash the living hell out of them. It somehow fails to accomplish its job and then the exam resumes.

The next day in the backyard or garden or whatever you want to call it, the graduation ceremony is held. The only people who actually graduated are Zell, Squall, Selphie, and some dude who obviously ends up being the final boss. Seifer is furious over not being promoted and breaks up with Squall, bringing back with him the sofa and their Pokémon collection, but leaving the herpes to Squall. Later, in the big graduation party that was held, everyone was happy and celebrating, even though there were only 4 people graduating. Squall was partying hard by looking at the sky, when he was spotted by Rinoa, and is forced to dance awkwardly with her. He tries to escape numerous times but is confronted with Rinoa's rape face, and eventually completes the dance. Zell eats hotdogs for a change.

The next day, Squall, Selphie, and Zell are sent on a mission, and while riding the train, Selphie covers Nirvana's famous hit song "Smells Like Train Spirit." They fall asleep and have a dream about a bloke sporting a women's hairstyle, Laguna. They also find out they all had the same dream but decide it's no big deal, and that it's as common as a wet soggy cookie. They arrive, and it turns up the recruiter is actually Rinoa. Irony. They do Rinoa's mission, but they find out it's a trap, eventually. They confront Seifer, who was shooting his live show Dancing with the Whores Live from Balamb with the president. Seifer is kidnapped by the sorceress and it is such a traumatic event that nobody could care less.

Lots of stuff that really didn't have to happen do occur afterwards, and at the end, an obvious "plot twist" ensues: that dude from before shows up and kills the party with the power of his huge seed. But they didn't really die of course, so Squall finally defeats him with the Pedoheart and lives happily ever after, with his wife-to-be, Yuna.

Characters

The game was praised for its deep story.

Squall Leonheart

The hero of the game, the wild-haired bloke wears a fur jacket even in the middle of a 100 degree afternoon with a scorching sun. He is very awkward socially, which causes him to just shut the fuck up midway through conversations. He also thinks a lot to himself, and likes to be alone all the time. He wields a gunblade, his signature weapon that was ripped off so many times it stopped being a signature weapon. Squall was sued by Animal Rights Organization for wearing animal fur and killing thousands of beasts whenever he went for a hike in the woods, but the case was dropped after Squall paid them some gil and told the judge he was slaying animals to get experience points. He intentionally ignores all the hot chicks that are willing to give it to him.

Quistis

A teacher that isn't hot, but hot-ass instead. She is one year older than Squall, but is somehow a teacher. She uses a whip in battle, and is the only character in the game with a practical hairstyle. Quistis acts like Squall's mentor but later falls in love with him, but then deloves him again later. If you follow some sidequests she gets into S&M really quickly.

Zell

A guy who just happens to be there. Zell serves no purpose other than being the retarded knuckle-using retard of the game who will help you as a filler in the fights. An advised player should never expect anything more out of him as it would be an enormous mistake. The tattoo he bears is inspired by the movie Hangover II. His hobbies include eating hot-dogs, flirting with the ugly girl in the library, and eating sausages covered by hot-dog bread.

Selphie

A 17 year old girl who acts like she's two years old due to a major mental disorder. She moves from Timber Garden, which is later destroyed by the sorceress because she felt like it. Selphie uses a nunchaku as a weapon, which is the Japanese word for two huge double-ended dildos tied together with a chain. She weighs about 85 pounds, so the fact she is able to wield a weapon so massive without dislocating her shoulder or just knocking herself senseless is mind boggling. Despite looking, acting, sounding, and feeling like a dumbass, she is actually a computer geek and is pretty good with a PC. She sports Marlyn Monroe's haircut.

Rinoa

Real love

A reborn Tifa Lockheart and Squall's love interest. Well, maybe not so much at the start of the game. Rinoa meets Squall at the after-graduation party. Even though not being a student in garden, Rinoa went to the party or else she wouldn't be part of the main cast. She used to be in a group opposing the president, made up of her and two other men. However, after realizing she is manlier than the other two men, she left.

Irvine

This lad is a sniper who fails at sniping. The fights are always unfolding with the antagonists standing at about 25 feet apart from one another, so why would they need a sniper for? It is rumoured that he would miss a sleeping elephant 3 feet away from him. He is also a womanizer, but he manages to fail at that too. At some point in the game, Irvine realizes that all the other characters are too retarded to remember they all grew up together, thus making him, maybe not that worst character. Maybe.

Seifer

A tool's tool who is the doormat for any cougar in power. Squall is madly in love with him while Seifer continues to chase his dream of getting laid by older women. Rinoa hints at some past flirt with him, but she is ignored by him as much as by the other guy. Upon being confronted in a final battle with Squall, Seifer learns that Squall has made his choice to be a woman. The subsequent result is Seifer initiates a threesome with his longtime friends Ragin and Fujin in a feeble attempt to make Squall jealous and win him back. At the end of the game, time compression causes major mental damage to poor Seifer, who starts laughing for no reason while seeing a flying school.

Reception

The game has received some critics, mainly that it is not Final Fantasy 7. The other reviewers were too busy playing Final Fantasy 7 to review the game. It was released shortly before Christmas and had good sale numbers at first, but its success was short-lived: the games were all returned to the stores since parents bought it as a gift and mistook it for Final Fantasy 7. Final Fantasy 8 will always be remembered for having the same name as Final Fantasy 7 plus 1.

“Final Fantasy made my dreams come true, now I can finally have a GF!”

~ Some retard on Guardian Forces

“How do you get eight of a final of anything?”

~ Captain Obvious on the Final Fantasy series