Eamonn Holmes
Eamonn Holmes is a television presenter, frog abuser, outrageous liar and bon viveur. Born in Northern Ireland four years ago, he has risen to the top in every field he has participated in. Eamon can trace his genetic inheritance back to some stained bed linen his great-great grandmother slept in which Oscar Wilde and Boosey had used just before her.
Apart of course from his aborted plan to get the whole world speaking his created language 'Eamospeak'. This failed after his refusal to set foot in South America due to an incident involving a pizza cutter he'd rather not talk about.
The Man[edit | edit source]
Eamonn, or to give him his Celtic name, "Lady Stain", is a big fan of sports, most notably American football (known as soccer to people outside America), cheese-rolling, plate-smashing and face-punching. He remains the undefeated World Record holder for the number of times having your face punched in, but Eamonn now recognises that it is only socially acceptable when done by midgets and other varieties of freak.
Television Career[edit | edit source]
Eamonn's long and illustrious television career was long and illustrious. See below for a list of credits:
2002 - Eamonn's Homes
2002 - Eamonn's Home
2003 - Whatever Happened to Eamonn's Holmes?
2003 - Sherlock and Eamonn: Separated at birth
2003 - Holmes is Where the Heart Is
2003 - Ay Mon!
2003 - Whaddup Holmes?
2004 - Get the hell out of my Holmes you bastard!
2004 - Don't call me Sherlock
2005 - Eamonn Holmes: Whale Killer
2006 - Eamonn's Bapp Shop, the best bapps around
2008 - The man, the sausages... the fart bandit!
2009 - That Gobshite Again! Is He Never Off The Air?
Holmes' career has often come under-fire and many of his shows have been highlighted as examples of television dumbing down. Holmes famously responded to those claims in an interview with Michael Parkinson in which he stated "I wouldn't piss on those critics if they were on fire and allergic to piss." Them either.
Whale Killer[edit | edit source]
One of Holmes' most controversial shows was Eamonn Holmes: Whale Killer. It had long been Holmes' dream to turn his main hobby into a primetime show and on one Saturday night he finally shared his love of whale killing with the British public. The show was an incredible success as 100 million people tuned in. This was considered particularly remarkable as there are only 99 million people exactly in the country. As a result Eamonn Holmes: Whale Killer is set to be made into a film, book, musical, opera and Super Nintendo game, though there will be no t-shirt tie-ins as Holmes regards these as the garments of the underclass.
Memorable Quotes[edit | edit source]
"Monkey see, Monkey do. Eamonn see whale, Eamonn kill whale."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a penny to charity."
"Do not challenge me to a fight. Seriously, don't."
"I accept cheques and all major credit cards. Not travellers cheques though."
"I'm the best player you'll ever see on Mortal Kombat. No-one can defeat me as Raiden."
"Go on love, get your tits out for GMTV."
"Oh no, i've got a lottery ball stuck up my arse!! hahaha... ooooh" (A hic-up live on National Lottery)
"Are ya 'gunna eat all them chips love?"
"Where is the grub?"
"Feast your eyes on that chode!"
"I was fierce hungry so I was."
Present Day[edit | edit source]
Eamonn Holmes can currently be found on a service station somewhere on the M6. I forget the name of it. You should recognise him, he's been on the telly loads. Do be careful when approaching him, he will bite and does not take kindly to strangers. It is something of a mystery as to why he remains there in motorway purgatory considering he supposedly earned millions on the back of Whale Killer. It has been suggested that he threw all the money into a pond for a giggle. According to recent news, Eamon Holmes will be in his first feature film. As himself as the main star, accompanied by Timmy "Bullet Balls" Mallet, Blanch (from Coronation Street), Richard Wilson and co-starring as the female lead is Pat Butcher (from Eastenders). Not much is known about the films finished title although they are working under the name "How many eggs can you fit in your mouth with a willy up your bum" and it will be rated 18+ in the U.K due to the nature of the sex scenes and the explicit drug scenes. The violence is thought to be something or a revelation to most hardcore Kill Bill fans, although to their surprise it will not be a hot Uma Thurman - more like a fat balding 40 something man from Belfast with a frying pan.
When asked how the filming was coming along by the Black Pool Leisure Centre, Eamon has commented "The movie is going well, we've just to all pitch in some more money and we should be able to buy atleast 2 more AA batteries for the digital camera and that will be the ball, or should I say BALLS rolling again". Please look out for ""How many eggs can you fit in your mouth with a willy up your bum" on YouTube sometime in 2011.