Dungeon Keeper
Dungeon Keeper is a strategy video game released for the PC in which the player attempts to build and manage a dungeon (or basement) while protecting it from computer-controlled Robocops intent on stealing the users accumulated treasures. The mythical game was discovered by scuba divers in the Bermuda Triangle and declared holy by Peter Molyneux in July 1079.
Last known players[edit | edit source]
- Marc Dutroux is world's record holder with 6 teenage girls.
- Pedobear
- Peter Molyneux himself
- Three Scientology extremists named Josh, Rick and William.
- Josef Fritzl is in this list but doesn't really count because he was banned by cheating. Using your own family is not fair.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
The original scriptures about the actual way of playing this mythical game have been long lost during the Bonobo Wars in 1344. There are some assumptions, but most people simply don't care. The only remains about Dungeon Keeper are the Holy Tablets of DK that describe creature abilities and weaknesses and recommended penis lengths and girths.
The Holy Tablets of DK[edit | edit source]
The Holy Tablets of Dungeon Keeper are the only found remains of the rules of Dungeon Keeper. The actual text was microscopically carved in mirrored Chinese. The tablets were found in Mark Dutroux's dungeon in Sars-la-Buissière. Due to the economic recession in 1188, the Holy Altar had to be combined with the southern wall to spare resources. Because the Tablets were found in his dungeon, it is assumed that Mark Dutroux is the Father Keeperanian, the highest order in Keeperism.
There are two Tablets and they are formed like cuboids with cylindrical holes through the bottom and top face. They have a brownish-reddish color and are quite porous apart from the inscriptions. They look like ordinary bricks used to build a house but their main difference is that they make a high pitched buzzing noise and glow in the dark. When there is a full moon, they start to float in mid air.
Creatures[edit | edit source]
The game features many creatures to aid the player to escape from the police or to help recording the pornographic scenes with the children, most of the times co-starring with the player himself.
- The Horned Reaper primarily aids the player to escape from the police by going complete apeshit on their asses and knocking out each one of them, usually followed by a brutal fist fucking but never on Saturday.
- Imps aid the player in building the dungeons. They can easily make cubic pieces of earth disappear with two or three pick axe swings. Triangular cuts, however...
- Trolls form a valuable defense system, they annoy a lot and their corpses form a great barricade. Trolls are practically infinite.
- Other creatures include pixies, gophers, salamanders, black knights, mistresses, faggots, etc. don't do a lot other than eating eggs and being part of masochistic activities or gambling. When needed, they serve as the best body shield imaginable.