Scanners

For the last 36 years, people have been trying to create their own version of the movie Scanners. From television producers to stoner rock bands, they all came up with nothing more than nice attempts to remind the world of this Canadian masterpiece. Until the Uncyclopedia article about the movie was created...

Movies that are not Scanners

• Valvoline
• Videodrome
• 100 Layers Of Grease
• The Fly Re-hashed
• Spankers
• My Stomach Has A Mouth, And This Mouth Goes To A Separate Stomach
• Future Filth

What are Scanners?

The Scanners are human beings who are afraid to connect their souls to stories and lyrics, and instead tend to only scan every text with which they come across. In 2017, it is easy to recognize Scanners - they are simply Wikipedia users. These are known to include all the Michael Bay-area residents.

Am I a Scanner?

As a human who is currently reading and/or writing an Uncyclopedia article, and considering the fact that Uncyclopedia is using Wikipedia by definition to create its parody - you can be sure that you are indeed one of these Scanners.

Are you sure?

If I am using Uncyclopedia it doesn't make me a Wikipedia user. I am simply a person who is using a website which is using Wikipedia. And a website cannot be a Scanner because a website is not a human being. So there.

Damn straight!

So none of us are Scanners... not me and not the readers of the article... this article is going to get REALLY stupid unless some head explodes soon... or something similar...

A mind blowing finale?

So nothing is going to blow your mind like the following article finale. If the finale of this article isn't going to blow your mind, you should suck your own frontal private part. Slowly. I am serious. So here we go: The reason Wikipedia users are Scanners is the introduction part of the Wikipedia articles. This introduction contains the name of the article in bold, so that the reader/writer will have the illusion that they already read the entire article, and/or that they have all the knowledge about the article's subject. It is totally gay. In fact, the only thing which is gayer than this is telling you that you have just been reading an article about the show Curb Your Enthusiasm, and that this is in fact a parody of the staring contest from the show, in which you represent Larry David, and I represent David Cronenberg.

Richard Lewis, season 9-era.

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	Absorbing all of it may cause one's head to asplode. You can help Uncyclopedia by adding stuff.

Les Great Directors Les epic visionaries Pedro Almodóvar | Wes Anderson | Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | James Cameron | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | David Cronenberg | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | Michael Haneke | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Stanley Kubrick | Akira Kurosawa | Sergio Leone | Roman Polanski | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles Less-epic visionaries Michael Bay | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Spike Lee | Dolph Lundgren | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood Geniuses in France Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider Highly confusing in Japan Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino Highly disturbing in Italy Bernardo Butterlucci | Ruggero Deodato | Pier Paolo Pasolini Highly violent in South Korea Bong Joon-ho | Park Chan-wook Shortly freaky in Vaudeville Tod Browning

Whore and Gore to shit your pants to

Genres	Horror film - Scary Movie - Slasher film - Cancer porn - Nunsploitation
Movies	Alien - Alien vs. Predator - Bambi - Cannibal Holocaust - Death Proof - Drag Me to Hell - The Exorcist - Final Destination - Fountainhead Earth - Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle - Freddy v. Jason - Friday the 13th - Ghostbusters - Godzilla vs. Urethra - Hostel - JAWS - Misery - The Phantom of the Opera - Predator - Psycho - Saw - The Shining - Snakes on a Plane - Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Wicker Man
Sagas	American Horror Story - Dexter - Dracula - Frankenstein - Halloween - Saw - Scream - Sex and the City - Stranger Things - The Handmaid's Tale - The Twilight Zone - The X-Files - True Blood - Twin Peaks
Games	9-11: The Video Game - Amnesia: The Dark Descent - The Last of Us - Monster Party - Godzilla - Resident Evil - Silent Hill - Slender - Space Invaders - Yu-Gi-Oh! - Zork
Characters	Dracula - Dr. Frankestein - Michael Jackson - JigSaw - Freddy Krueger - Hannibal Lecter - Old McDonald - Dexter Morgan - Mike Myers - Butters Stotch - Sweeney Todd - Jason Voorhees
Creatures	Cthulhu - Frankenstein Monster - Grue - Ghosts - Jack O'Lantern - Skeletons - Vampires - Xenomorph - Zombies
Creators	David Cronenberg - King Diamond - Stephen King - H. P. Lovecraft - Bela Lugosi - David Lynch - Spike Milligan - Jordan Peele - Edgar Allan Poe - Eli Roth - Goa Tse - Mr. TwatCunt - Ed Wood
History	"Leprechaun" remake in the works - Michael Myers escapes from sanitarium, kills Christopher Walken - New "Halloween" movie getting little promotion; world in panic - Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap - "Halloween will be rated G" - Scheider death blamed on shark - Ving Rhames' dog kills zombie - "Saw VI" gets a G-rating by the MPAA - The Gremlins take over Cypress Hill's Instagram, killing massive amount of serious children - European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus - Spotify removes Hannah's shoulders - Blackdick removed from Saw X - Saw X still the only logical candidate