Croquet

Bosie is bending down before throwing himself on Oscar (in the pink dress) just before another grueling orgy.

Not to be confused with Croquette (A Dutch food item).

“It's a great way to spend an afternoon outside with Bosie. Also, as the case may be, with women.”

~ Oscar Wilde on croquet

For who?!?!?

“Not on my watch!”

~ Oscar Wilde on duty as a Spelling and Grammar Nazi

For whom?!?!?

A Background and Quick Summary of the Technicalities

Croquet, like opera, is a pastime enjoyed only by the obscenely wealthy and/or old. It has come to be associated with long wooden mallets that must weigh from two to four pounds, or from 512 to 1,024 drams, or from 14,000 to 28,000 grains, or even from 5.088932955e+26 to 1.017786591e+27 gigaelectronvolts. Also notable are the two wooden balls (traditionally) or the two non-wooden balls (see Neo-Croquet). Wooden balls have been known to break down easily during heated games of croquet, and so having particularly sturdy balls has become increasingly important as players have begun to use steroids and battery powered croquet-mallets. Using the mallets, one must coax the balls through little arches, often called wickets. Note: when coaxing the balls, one cannot put his/her stick through the wicket

A long and tedious Brief History

Croquet, or The Importance of Being Earnest, as it is sometimes rarely on occasion never called, was developed in France in the mid to late 1400s. The urban myth suggesting it evolved from golf in late 19th-century Ireland was created by subliminal messages hidden in works by James Joyce and Samuel Beckett, in an effort to credit a young Oscar Wilde as the inventor. It enjoyed a brief spell of fame at the 1900 and 1904 Summer Olympics, until it was discontinued when the International Olympic Committee determined that numerous players had cheated by lubricating each other's balls. While never particularly popular, it still remains a form of entertainment for those without a life nothing better to do a large and well-kempt lawn.

"Ohhhhh, I'm bored with this, Gwendolen. Let's strip off and pose for a lesbian porn movie instead, what do you say?"

The Rules

Procedure

A typical croquet pitch was divided into four zones, Aztec, Industrial, Future and Medieval, and had six arches (called wickets), the start tee (known as Wagner's Sodomizing Stick), and the center peg (known as Debussy's Sodomizing Stick). Bosie and Wilde have used the peg for the purposes of a threesome.

Theoretically, an infinite number of persons may play, but the traditional number is four (optionally, two per team). Each person is equipped with a mallet and a ball. The object is to guide one's ball through each of the six wickets in the pattern displayed to the right and finally to tap one's ball against the center peg, also known as Debussy's Sodomizing Stick.

Generally Accepted Version (without teams)

The first player to tap one's ball against the center peg after going through all of the hoops in the correct order is declared the cheesiest ham sandwich this side of Peru winner.

Traditional Victorian Version (with two teams of two people)

Each correct wicket one achieves correctly (in the correct direction) earns a player's team ten points. Each incorrect wicket one goes through deducts twenty points from the player's team's score. Each correct wicket one goes through incorrectly deducts fifteen points from a player's team's score. Tapping the center peg first (after going through all the required wickets) earns one's team a raspberry on the tummy bonus fifty points, after which the tapper must stop playing. Tapping the center peg second (after going through all the required wickets) earns one's team a bonus joyride in the loser's car twenty five points. The game ends when the second person taps Debussy's Sodomizing Stick. Each team's points are added up, and the team with the most points is declared the King of Arizona winning team.

Penalties and Foul Fowls

• A player must guide his ball through the wickets in the order they are described. If a player allows his ball to be put through any wicket other than the next one as described in the order, he must move his ball to the center peg and continue from there sniff the nearest fowl loudly.

• A player must also guide his ball through the wickets in the direction they are described. If a player's ball goes through the next wicket in the order but in the incorrect direction, he must begin from the start tee dance to Für Elise in the fashion outlined in UnBooks:Oscar Wilde's Guide to Being Emo.

If a Player Commits any of the Following Offenses, he must be sodomized alternately using the center peg and start tee. Said pegs are also known (respectively) as Debussy's Sodomizing Stick and Wagner's Sodomizing Stick

• Attacking another player with a mallet
• Attacking another player with Debussy's Sodomizing Stick
• Giving another player a papercut with a copy of The Importance of Being Earnest
• Poking another player repeatedly
• Making hand gestures that are rude in nature and poor in execution
• Taking tea (in either of the two senses)
• Inviting a string quartet to play anything other than Haydn
• Inviting those Damn Fundamentalist Christians to speak about anything of either a holy or sacred nature (sacrosanct is considered sacred; religious under holy)
• Reciting long passages by Ernest Hemingway
• Leaving on a flight to Congo while the game is still in progress
• Cutting deals with gophers to help move your ball in a desired direction
• Planting trees on the croquet pitch
• Immitating Maestro Zubin Mehta while anywhere near a baton
• Pretending to have a seizure in order to fall in the path of a player's moving ball
• Shouting "VIVA PORTUGAL!" at frequent intervals behind another player while they are hitting a ball so as to throw off their aim
• Reading Uncyclopedia articles between turns

Obscure, Old, and Rarely Enforced Rules and Regulations

• If a winner/member of a winning team gloats louder than 80 decibels, he must lie down two feet South of Debussy's Sodomizing Stick while the others throw fresh diced tomatoes and scale models of the Liberty Bell at him.
• If a player flosses his teeth while the game is in sesson, he must take the used floss, tie it to Wagner's Sodomizing Stick (see Start Tee) and floss his teeth with said floss while said floss is attached to said Sodomizing Stick after other players (with or without the aid of Debussy's Sodomizing Stick) write as much terrible Debussy music as their pens will allow on the floss.
• If a player uses a Battery Powered Croquet Mallet (see Extreme Croquet), he must play the right hand part of Schubert's Impromptu No. 2 and the left hand part of Chopin's Etude Op. 10 No. 4 on a Steinway® Grand Piano.
• If a player attacks another player with a chainsaw, the player using the 'Green Ball must, while using Wagner's Sodomizing Stick, release the hounds, then join in the flurry of running from said hounds.
• If a player blow his nose using any tissue other than Kleenex with his right hand while on the croquet pitch during a game on a Tuesday the 12, he must abandon all movement from his left leg for the following eleven minutes.
• If a snake attemps to enter a pitch as anything besides a registered player, Knight of the Order, or grease hut, he must be detained and forced to referee the game from atop Debussy's Sodomizing Stick.
• If a player receives a fax from either Peru, Pakistan, or Finland during the game, and that fax contains any of the following words (peacock, sound, republic, ocean, play, top, for, and, twenty, mother, yours, truly), he must read the fax off the nearest Uncyclopedia, smell, or Lord Voldemort.
• When playing the wonderful game of Croquet, women must wear large fluffy dresses and men, tuxedos and gloves. This dress code is required for players wishing to experience the game to the fullest.

See also

• Extreme Croquet