Crispin Glover
“People often say things about you which are not really... based in reality. Would you please stop looking at me?”
Crispin Hellion Glover (born April 20, 1964) is a director, a writer, a musician, but mostly an actor. Just because he is an actor that does not mean we should assume he has anything in common with the characters he portrays. It would also be foolish to assume that the man we think is Crispin Glover is in fact, Crispin Glover. He could be anyone. You, me, Mr. Farr. I don't really like to confirm or deny anything. One thing is for sure though, Crispin Glover is a really fucking weird guy.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Crispin Hellion Glover attended the Merman School for the Incredibly Clever. It was there that he truly became the thing we know today. At Mermin he learned to use big words like 'lachrymose' and 'symbolism', and he was instructed in the art of rat catching; but most importantly, he was taught how to part his hair exactly down the centre. If the part were to be even slighty off centre it would be bad. Oh so very very bad.
Isn't He George McFly?[edit | edit source]
Yes and no. Mostly no. George McFly is in fact a fictional creation. Though Crispin Glover is alleged to have portrayed him in the popular 1980's film Back to the Future, Mr. Glover is in fact a totally different person. George McFly's internal psyche is not necessarily based upon Mr. Glovers, if in fact that is in fact who played him.
Acting Career; Part one in which Crispin is unusual[edit | edit source]
The common belief is that Crispin Glover acted in several television commercials, sitcoms, and a film where he dressed up as Olivia Newton-John before getting his big break in Back to the Future. He turned over roles in the sequels to a Crisin Glover clone constructed by the good people at Warner Brothers. He then went on to star as a maladjusted teen in River's Edge, a maladjusted scientist in Twister, and a hungry cousin in Wild at Heart. But during this time something crazy happened. Or did it? Probably. Let's discuss.
David Letterman Assasination Attempt[edit | edit source]
On the night of July 28th 1987 a stylishly dressed young man announced as Crispin Glover went on the the popular
television program Late Night with David Letterman. The man spoke about the pressures of fame and it's impact on Crispin Glover. He then went bat fuck insane and tried to kill David Letterman. Before Letterman could call for help the man had delivered a kick powerful enough to shatter the skull of the average water buffalo, luckily for Letterman his cranium was made of stronger stuff. The man was taken off the show and once again the land of late night was saved by Letterman's thick skull.
Who was this madman of mystery? Was it Crispin Glover? Was it Jeff Bookman? Was it Crispin Glover tripping balls? Was it someone else entirely? Did it even happen? When last questioned about this incident Mr. Glover replied that he "didn't like to confirm or deny anything", and neither do I.
Books[edit | edit source]
Cripin Glover has also created several books. The most popular of these is entitled "Rat Catching" and it is really not very popular at all. Oh well.
Music[edit | edit source]
In 1989 Crispin Glover released his first and only album. It was called "The Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution (The Solution Equals More Words Which Lead On And On But Really Tell You Nothing About The Big Problem Which Does Not Equal The Solution But In Fact Probably Equals Global Warming Or Something)". It was an instant success. The lead single, "Clowny Clown Clown", became the most popular song about metaphorical clowns ever released. But the live fast, die bloated lifestyle of a pop star did not appeal to Crispin Glover so he returned to his first love: making weird ass artsy shit.
What Is It?[edit | edit source]
It is the adventures of a young man whose principle interests are snails and using Freudian imagery to confuse and offend everyone. It is Crispin Hellion Glover's directorial debut. The film was financed, written, produced, directed, edited, casted, filmed by Crispin Glover. Crispin Glover also starred as "Dueling Demi-God Auteur and The young man's inner psyche", his co-star was credited as "Snail". The action figures sold like mad.
Acting Career; Part two in which Crispin is in it for the money[edit | edit source]
In order to finance his films Crispin Glover slightly altered the process by which he selected his roles. Rather than basing his decisions on script, director, or plot, he based them on salary. This new strategy worked exceedingly well. He secured roles in Bartleby, in which he played a maladjusted clerk; Crime and Punishment, in which he played a maladjusted Russian; Simon Says, in which he played a maladjusted redneck; Epic Movie, in which he played a maladjusted chocolatier, and many more.
With the money he got from the two Charlie's Angels movies (in which he played a maladjusted thin man) Crispin was able to finance another film, buy a new house, some suits, hair gel, sunscreen, soap, and the entire Czech Republic. For some reason Crispin's new method really turned on a lot of directors and Crispin was offered bigger and better parts. Perhaps his biggest role to date was in 2003's Willard, in which he played a maladjusted rat trainer.
He is also set to star in Beowulf as Grendel, a maladjusted oldest villain in English language. His most recent starring role was in 2010's Alice In Wonderland, directed by Tim Allen, as Layne, a maladjusted meth-head Knave of Hearts.