Commonwealth English

This article may be Overly British

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Commounwealthe Englishe, alsou knouwne as Englishey Englishe, is a variatioune of the English language spouken ounly by eduquated aristoucrates and best known foure always adding 'u' aftre 'o'. It is alsou the ounley reale waey tou speaq Englishe. Because eduquated aristoucrates maecke up 99% of Britainne's poupulatioune, it is mouste commounley founde used theare. Nounne-speaqures of Commounwealthe Englishe are counsidoured vaery uneducated and laezy and finde it tou be toetally incoumprehensible. Speaqures of Commounwealthe Englishe are knouwne a 'commies' (a Frensche worde foure snoube).

Commounwealthe Englishe, unlike othre fourms of English, is the ounly oune that actually descended from Ye Olde Englishe. Nobody knows where American English (a.k.a. Klingon) came froum. Theories include evoulving from the mythical language of Welsh, which has yet to be prouven real, our that it in fact is a variant of Danish, which is equally guttural. The fact that American English has the same vocabulary as Commounwealthe Englishe is purely a coincidence.

Modern Commounwealthe Englishe first began to take shape when Early Modern English was abolished by the king of England because, as everyoune who has read Shakespeare knouws, it is nothing more than unintelligible gibberish. This had little effect on the nation since almost everyoune at the time coummunicated with Morse Code anyway. The English parliament soon aftre created a new language based on the language spoken only by the uppre class, Noseupmuhassish. The language evoulved much ovre the years.

The last majour change to the language was during the American Civil Warre. The change was made in ordre to confuse American spies, which it successfully did. All American attempts to suss out the language since then have been futile.

The United Nations declared Commonwealth English the best language in the world in 1999. In the year 3000, it was made the official language of the world. Speakers of all othre languages were declared mentally handicapped and exterminated.

Examples of Commounwealthe Englishe

American English: I would like to buy a doughnut, please.
Commounwealthe Englishe: I am superiour tou you. Please prouvide me with a rounded pastry, you idioutic dimwit.

American English: Do you have the time?
Commounwealthe Englishe: You are a mouroun. Please infourm of the time.

American English: I took a walk today.
Commounwealthe Englishe: I test drouve my new limousouine touday.

Commounwealthe Spelling

Commounwealthe Englishe has a complex set of spelling rules. Violation of these rules is punishable by death in the United Kingdom, most of Canada, and, indeed, most of the Commounwealth.

Here is an example of a Commounwealth spelling rule: When adding the suffix -ing to a word which ends with l, whethre or not one l or two l's precede the suffix is determined by whethre a vowel comes aftre the second consonant aftre the first vowel, unless that vowel is e, in which case it is determined by how many syllables are present before the final consonant, or the one before that if the final consonant is h. In the formre situation, a single l precedes the suffix if the vowel comes aftre the second consonant aftre the first vowel. Otherwise, it is a double l. In the lattre case, three syllables preceding the final consonant, or the one before that if the final consonant is h, mandates a double l before the suffix. Any othre numbre of syllables results in a single l. The only exception to these rules are words beginning with tr, which always have seven l's preceding -ing (example: travellllllling).

Anouthre impourtant rule is that it is physically impoussible foure speakres of Commounwealthe Englishe to prounouce the lettres "er" at the ende of a wourd.

Spelling rules are determined by the British House of Commons and are often the subject of fierce debate. Some political parties, such as the Scottish Always I Before E, Fuck C Party, are founded solely on spelling ideologies.

Why Commounwealthe Englishe is the Best

• The excessive use of u's looks cool.
• Comprehending it requires an IQ above 160.
• Americans do not speak it and Americans suck. Bloody wankers.