Cleethorpes

Lifes a beach, cleethorpes beach.

Cleethorpes is a seaside resort 3 miles (or a two day hike) from Grimsby.

History

Cleethorpes was discovered in 672 by a group of pissed-up Vikings on a day-trip from Stavanger. Findus Larsson declared the area property of the Norse in an attempt to annoy his older brother Henrik who carried on the journey and eventually discovered America. Findus found consolation by inventing the fish finger. Fish fingers where known to be quite prized for their aphrodisaic properties in Cleerthorpes

The Victorians were those who helped Cleethorpes grow, mainly by dumping shit and silt dragged from Grimsby Docks on land that would eventually become the beach. A businessman by the name of Crescent Butterworth discovered that by advertising the beauty of the resort known as Clee-thorpes to thousands of gullible Yorkshire folk he could make a fortune. To this day something similar still happens.

Cleethorpes played a significant part during World War Two. A successful invasion led by special forces of the German Wehrmacht landed at a point just south of what is now the Leisure Centre, the only successful such operation on mainland Britain. Whilst attempting to secure the area the Germans became so disillusioned by the drabness and general shitability of the place that they went back to their boats and sailed home. Reporting back to Hitler the circumstances of their escapades convinced the Fuhrer that England was a craphole not worth fighting for and he switched his attentions to the Russian Front. The course of world history was changed as well as solving that little mystery for historians.

Just after the war the famous holiday camp owner Billy Butlin wanted to open his first holiday camp in the town but he soon sobered up and he was never seen again in Cleethorpes.

In recent years the area has seen the demolition of everything that could attract visitors and replacing them with flats in the hope that they will be able to host the 2023 "National Flat-Builders Federation Council Annual Meeting" in what used to be the Crescent Butterworth Indoor Holiday Centre but is scheduled to become the Stella Cox Does It Up The Arse House, a development of 28 luxury flats, by mid-2025. who the developers hope will be opened by the porn star Stella Cox whilst being done up the arse on the seafront.

Things to do don't

There are a multitude of things to get up to in Cleethorpes. If you're a fan of alcohol, the local bar Willys are happy to serve a wide range of people of any age and the local brew is actually a pint of willies!. If that wouldn't take your fancy, there are dozens of donut shops who do a famous "10 for £1" deal, popular amongst thick Yorkies.

There is also a boating lake which is loved by the locals, but only when the lake itself is not covered with posionous algae. Jim Smith, a regular boater said "Normally on April the 3rd every fourteen years, we get a good algae-free gap of about 37 minutes at about 4am. That's when we get a good boating".

There is also the 'Cleethorpes Light Railway', which uses carriages branded 'SMR' (shit mini railway). It runs for 2 miles, but the train will break down when it reaches the other end, effectively stopping all services, as the railway is so pointless that it doesn't have any passing loops, They are reputed as having an extensive loco fleet, but what wasn't mentioned was that they are not theirs and are not allowed to use them. Another service stopper are the local vandals who will gladly stop you from having any kind of fun, as they want to make sure Cleethorpes is one of the most boring place on Earth. It was however a vast improvement on GNER.

Cleethorpes is also home to Grimsby Town Football Club which just goes to show how shit Grimsby must be if the local football club doesn't want to play there. However, in fairness the club is also so shit that the people of Grimsby don't want it to play there either. Watch out for angry fish in the water.

The good aspects of Cleethorpes

1. The fact you can leave. 2. It could be washed away in a tsunami.

Cleethorpes in the Media

Cleethorpes almost won an award for one of the cleanest seaside resorts in England. Well, in north England. North-east England. ...in the Grimsby and Cleethorpes District - Not including Grimsby category.

Sightings

Mr Bean was not pleased.

Cleethorpes has been home to many enigmatic sightings over the past seventeen years. Someone saw a tornado once across the sea. Consequently, it received a lot of press, and the Grimsby Evening Telegraph were more than happy to make it front page news. An insider said:

“ It was nice to have a change from reporting murders, rapes, paedophillia, underage-sex, teenage pregnancies and artists impressions of new flats. ”

Alan Rickman is often sighted at Cleethorpes, usually on the 2p (too-pee) machines getting his moneys worth. He is also rumoured to have been the one who acquired the high score on House of the Dead.

Mr Bean took a holiday to Cleethorpes, but left an hour after arriving, saying "There were not enough silly things to do, to be honest. And the theme park looked shit"

I was there, got stabbed by a heroin needle, not a jolly time tbh.