Catfish
“Lub dem fried up catfish!”
Look, up in the sky! It's a fish! It's a cat! No, it's a catfish (Felix Pisces)! That's right, a catfish (plural catfish) can fly! It can fly, it can fly! Just like Dumbo™, a copyrighted subsidiary of the Disney Corporation (used with permission)! No, really! Long before you finish reading this article, you will be either (A) forced by compelling logic to believe catfish can fly, or (2) forced to hit your back button to quickly return to whatever that stuff was that you now suddenly realize is a great deal more interesting than this insipid drivel about catfish! No, wait! Come back here, you! Forget I even mentioned that "back button" business! It would do you no good, anyway; do you honestly think that other crap over there is any better? This is Uncyclopedia, after all; what the hell were you bloody thinking?
Anatomy[edit | edit source]
The catfish has whiskers and fins and scales, just like a regular cat. Such whiskers (also known as fingers) may be manually removed only by qualified Germans. It also has a large gaping mouth, which it uses to carry a wedge of sliced lemon. The majority of its furless bulk is supported by a substantial bed of lettuce and drenched with delicious tartar sauce. As we study the slender graceful fish-like form in front of us, the two dead eyes stare back at us. Cold. Unfeeling. We shiver slightly as a brief pang of guilt passes through us, uninvited.
Prying open the catfish's gut with a large fork, we also discover a pocket watch, which was probably swallowed whole by the catfish at least fifty years ago when Timex™ was still making them. "Hell, they don't even make pocket watches any more!" we exclaim. As a rhythmic force begins to exert itself on our heightened senses, we feel uneasy. The pocket watch is still ticking. Just like in those stupid commercials. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, THAT HIDEOUS TICKING NOISE! IT'S THE BEATING OF THE CATFISH'S HIDEOUS HEART!
Anyone who kisses a catfish is likely to develop a condition known as "pussy lips". This condition, nearly always fatal, results in the formation of cheese around the mouth and coagulation of saliva. Catfish a banned from department stores in many countries.
Larval stage[edit | edit source]
Each year, in the light of the blazing hot sun, adult catfish lay billions of eggs in the steaming hot crickmuds of Louisiana bayous. The helpless larvae (kittenfish) are tended by automated fish-cultivating machinery, left over from the time when catfish were sentient and had a thriving enlightened civilization. After the catfish (plural) grow large enough, they are strongly encouraged by their guidance counselors to enroll in flight school, where they earn their wings upon graduation four years later. (Not literal "wings" of course. That would be silly. You must be thinking of angels, or something.)
Physiology[edit | edit source]
The catfish is a most elusive thing. It feeds on cans, small clocks, and string. It barks like a sheep when you pull its ear, and hides inside trees whilst imbibing beer. The catfish is also in possession of a technologically advanced echolocation system.
Lifespan[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, catfish do not live a happy lifespan. In fact, all catfish have been recorded to be at least nine billion years old. Therefore, a catfish has never died due to "peanus deduction" while in captivity. If someone says that they have died of peanus deduction, it is because they are probably the catfish's husband or wife. They go when they want to.
Aerodynamics[edit | edit source]
Catfish fly through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring young catfish being launched from its underground pneumatic launching silo, reaching a terminal velocity of approximately 500 kph within the first 0.25 seconds. Upon reaching maximum altitude several hundred kilometers downrange, the catfish curls itself into a fetal ball in a useless attempt to protect itself from inevitable impact with Bruno Ziskey's breast. At night, the catfish are hunted down buy the alligator snapping muskrat. With its sharp hammer-shaped claws, the alligator snapping muskrat knocks the catfish out and excretes its waste on the fish as sauce.
When he (she) lands on Bruno Ziskey's breast he madly screams "STOMP, STOMP, STOMP, TOMP. BREAST SIZE 12 CM."
The catfish then flees for safety.
Note: Catfish are often challenged to "dogfights" by Michael Vick. The catfish typically gun down his F-16 Falcon(Renamed:SUPER BETTER PITBULL 2000 on the fuselage).