CBeebies

“CBeebies is for children”

~ Captain Obvious on CBeebies.

“Or so it should be...”

~ Oscar Wilde on the prior statement.

The ardent will of an atypical CBeebies patron.

CBeebies is a totalitarian conglomerate that has grown to a formidable stature since its launch in 2002 and displays no evident signs of halting. Vast profits are made from their unedifying shows and broadcasts due to a prim and an overly frugal system of resource management imposed by the owners, which forbids unprofitable fripperies such as originality, affable presenters, enrichment and sagacity. The channel relentlessly churns out bland and harmful children's programming with the aim of mentally devaluing the audience whilst preaching some inane moral such as 'having a disability makes you genetically superior' or 'you can always trust a talking vegetable'. Their shows even have a curious effect on adults, who feel compelled to manufacture shoddy birthday cards for their son or daughter and send it to the CBeebies studios. In recent years the channel has expanded their influence from childrens programming to arms dealing, slave trading, manufacturing smallpox for small militant nations, Freemasonry, and keeping Noel Edmonds in work.

Origin

“Armed Teletubbies have succeeded, whereas unarmed Teletubbies have been sent to tubby bye-byes.”

~ Tinky Winky

.

In 2002 the Bureau of British Codswollop (BBC) conducted an assessment of their childrens programming, and soon realised that there was a limit as to how long a youngster could endure the sight of White English people pretending to be Black Americans. Accordingly troubled, the BBC hastily launched a new form of children's entertainment programming with a arguably excessive amount of funding: three food rations, a packet of biscuits, and some spare change that fell out of Jeremy Paxman's trousers. They still needed to enlist a proportinate work force to construct cardboard sets, foam props and wooden actors, but the Polish had yet to arrive. The BBC were facing a debacle, but found salvation in a wandering group of itenerant Hebrews, whom the Teletubbies were permitted to eat in exchange for their impressive labouring skills. The channel first aired on Febuary 8, 2002 with back-to-back episodes of Red Dwarf, due to the lack of a timetable appropriate for their target audience. After some months of showing repeats of Time Team, Scrapheap Challenge, the funeral of Princess Diana and a number of other inapposite broadcasts they had saved enough profit to broaden their viewing material to something more puerile, but the Teletubbies were dissatisfied with the lack of recognition they had recieved from the BBC and insisted that they deserved a show praising their assiduous nature. Though at first reluctant the BBC soon consented to their demands before the courts took notice, and allowed the Teletubbies to produce their own program with the imaginative title of 'The Teletubbies'. It was some time after this that the BBC realised that they had grossly underestimated the Machiavellian cunning inherant in all Teletubby creatures, as their show was so popular that subsequent broadcasts were released, which immediately made the Teletubby race the dominant shareholders in the Cbeebies channel, with their opposing investors withdrawing or vanishing overnight soonafter. The channel theirs, the newly founded Teletubby enterprise quickly put into motion plans to hire presenters, singers and other generic sociopaths to host their shows, and began to comb the more seedier areas of the country for their quarry. After two months of abductions, addiction feeding and unabashed blackmailing a small ensemble of alcoholics, criminals and immigrants had been hired to work in their studios for marginal pay. To fool the authorities and avoid having to award their latest employees with rights to a minimum wage the Teletubbies ensured that each member suffered from a distinctive disability, such as missing limbs, preoccupation with toilet humor, an underdeveloped cerebral cortex, autistic or fetal alcohol spectrum disorders or a partiality to the works of Phil Collins. With their plan a great success, the Cbeebies die was duly cast.

Mid-2000's

Justin Fletcher, a pompous middle-class fatso; one of the channel's most admired high-achievers.

With shows like The Tweenies and The Fimbles amassing an impressive number of obedient lackeys, The Teletubbies established their government in the newly constructed CBeebies building, a structure made of dried human faeces and capable of withstanding a nuclear attack. CBeebies influence began to emerge in other forms of media, particularly music; most controversially was the case of two teenagers commiting suicide after hearing Roly Mo's audio book of Stephen King's Pet Sematary.

The presenters were more than compliant to the channel's wishes, some even donating their voices to new and loathsome characters in an attempt of self-improvement and innovation. CBeebies prided themselves on educating their young audience on decorum in the most demeaning ways devisable. The celebrated book, 'Ways To Go Out Of Business' was hastily adapted into a CBeebies show titled 'Big Cook Little Cook', though the author of the former work complained of the show's lack of faithfulness to his book.

Big Cook Little Cook's premise featured two chefs, one of which is inexplicably small, serving one customer at a time and taking several hours at least to arbitrarily create a bland, sloppy and unpalatable meal for them without bothering to humour the client with a choice of constables. They even claimed that their café was, 'the best in the world', a blatant display of brash arrogance that had been slowly creeping into every avenue of CBeebies media. Insubordination spilled onto the set shortly afterward with the old show 'Brum' and its protagonist who shared the same name. Brum had always found it difficult to cope with the new changes and the lessened payroll, and after several bouts of drunken iration and binging on Aero bars he had accumulated an inhibiting amount of points on his license. The Teletubbies knew that he had become expendable and so they anonymously alerted the authorities to Brum's uninsured driving, and he was promptly confiscated and crushed by Drew Pickles.

Archie from Balamory often encourages Anti-Semitism, and he considers his best invention being Zyklon B.

‎

Dissidence was present even in the ranks of the Teletubbies, with the rewards of victory clouding their usually astute judgement: Dipsy was sent to rehab to kick his addiction to Tubby Toast, La La had stolen money from the CBeebies vault to finance a pleasure cruise for herself and her entourage of hand-picked gigaloes, and Tinky-Winky was in court charged with the brutal assault of a thirty-year-old man who had uttered some less-than-complimentary comments on the subject of the channels programmes.

Punishments were lenient for offences committed by Teletubbies, but were notoriously callous for other members of staff. A Korean presenter, Pui Fan Ny, was found to be an agent and guilty of numerous counts of industrial espionage, sending CBeebies secrets to her agency. In a move to suppress all other forms of misbehavior, the Teletubbies excecuted her live on a Balamory episode themed on the subject of forgiveness, and this act served their purpose to perfection. Disputes as to whom the channel belonged to were abruptly ended, and every member of the CBeebies team were made to swear fealty to their ariel-headed employers

LazyTown and other Retardants

What some people won't do to get close to children, and puppets of children.

With civil unruliness now in the past, the Teletubbies could focus in their next macabre objective. CBeebies had become famed for its banal broadcasts with generic and often contrasting messages about peace, love, tolerance and other impossibilities, and the Teletubby parliament had become stalled with their enterprise fermenting into a stereotype. They desired to push the limitations of childrens programming to new boundries, setting a fresh and original example for any ascendants. Was this to be done through dramas featuring empathetic protagonists, compelling plot lines and magical musical scores? Of course not.

Cbeebies became the creator of new television shows so repugnant, unimaginative and laughable that their goal to discard the cliché was met and surpassed with immense speed. Leading the charge of this new wave of thought-quashing garbage was the garishly coloured, depressingly drab and hideouslly sanctimonious drivel christened LazyTown. The plot features the adventures of a creep calling himself 'Sporticus', a pencil-moustache-wearing and dirigible-piloting sport-nut who makes a personal crusade out of saving LazyTown from its own gluttony despite most of the residents being of a fairly thin stature.

As if Sporticus was not already the apotheosis of all patronisation, he excells his own smugness with the act of labelling fruit as, 'Sports Candy', because everybody knows that the way to force kids to eat fruit in lieu of sweets is to convince them that fruit is a type of enjoyable confectionary. Meanwhile a gallingly Americanised brat in a flourescent pink wig arrives in town to stay with her relatives, who happen to be puppets. Fruit is candy and Genetics is a Communist lie is most probable of LazyTown's numerous maxims.

As if decieving and debasing children was not unacceptable enough, an actor in bad make-up and ordered to call himself 'Robbie Rotten', is determined to countermand Sporticus' piety by making the town unhealthy again; why? Why not? In LazyTown, purpose is as loathed as pomegranate. This 'plot' leads to many episodes of hilarious amusement and important messages on the importance of a good diet, with Robbie Rotten constructing all manner of archaic contraptions to fatten the population instead of just killing Sporticus and doing society a great favour. CBeebies historians mark the introduction of this filth as the point where the channel ceased appealing to children and turned into a broadcast for the irreparably disabled, comitted murderers and lonely gay people.

LazyTown was hailed as a proportinate success and the new figurehead for the CBeebies channel, but the Teletubbies believed that it had not achieved their goal of expanding the barriers of children's television; while they had concocted a tasteless and loathsome piece of televised offal, the show still revolved around a plot, regardless of how primitive and nonsensical it was. Their melancholy was ephemeral however, as the swelled coffers of the channel were speedily put to work in a new and daring project that promised to do away with the traditional foundations of a television show. It would be undefined, beyond all adequete words to describe, entirely uneducational and blissfully pointless. The new project was kept firmly in the dark, with every member allocated to its creation sworn to silence; months later it was unveiled that a new show, featuring the voice talents of Cadfael the monk, was due for release.

In the September of 2009, In The Night Garden was first shown on the channel, to uproarious reviews by critic and fan alike. Some of the more fervent CBeebies appreciators argued that the show -a mindless odessey through a secluded forest landscape populated by shoddy puppets and stop-motion animation- was deliberately confusing and served to satire British views on foreigners. Their claim was that the Ponty Pines -two miniature families of wooden people crammed into insufficiently sized housing- were a representation of the Asian minority living in the UK: cramped together in small council homes and abandoned by the government to feud over their opposing interpretations of Islam. Even the most devout of CBeebies fans were left aghast as the acclaimed actor Cadfael was left gibbering and crooning like a homeless person as puppets and airships and trains danced gracelessly to the ridiculous lyrics. Critisisms poured in for the next three months, which the Teletubbies valued as inarguable proof that they had reached their objective to expand the known limitations of mundane media broadcasting. With the collusion twixt Lazytown and In The Night Garden, CBeebies had broken an unprecedented number of records and human rights laws, and had shaken off the stereotype that had threatened to define it for many years.

Late 2000's and the Rise of Justin Fletcher

As CBeebies continued to expand its programming like an uncontrollable case of thrush, the over-abundance of brashly made shows lashed together for the purpose of keeping the children and the disabled viewers docile finally started to incite congestion in the channel's timetables. This caused tempers backstage to flare and turn dangerous, and fights soon broke out between show creators for which programme deserved to be placed on the roster.

With these frequent skirmishes breaking out backstage, the presenters of the channel found it insuperable to concentrate their focus on winning over their audience with false smiles and promises of safety, ease and the Koala Brothers. Morale suffered inexorably over the next three months as the fighting became better organised and brutal; some CBeebies historians believe that the Teletubbies themselves orchestrated this dissent in order to expose doubters that had, prior to the seemingly unchecked violence, remained hidden within the ranks.

Those that do credit the fighting to the will of the Teletubbies are ofter divided on the subject of what their true motives were, but the most widely acccepted theory is that they were responisible for what followed the outbreaks of conflict. After three months of these childish arguments that had gone unrebuked by the Teletubbies, they immediately swept into the studio's backstage areas and astutely put down the rioters with batons, hand grenades and small-arms fire. Directly afterwards they siezed control of the contested shows and appointed one host, character and voice actor for all of them, ensuring their complete domination.

This presenter had worked industriously for the company since its launch in 2002 and had proved to be a reliable asset to the CBeebies enterprise: his name was Justin Fletcher. Dim-witted, corpulent and a dye-in-the-wool sycophant, Fletcher had been involved in a myriad of CBeebies projects, though usually veiled under a giant syrofoam suit of a toddler or an overly curious dog. He relished in the opportunity to host shows without the cumbrance of waddling around the set dressed as a train or being forced away from the spotlight by a fluffy toy.

Due to the unbelivablity of this newfound interest in his talents, Fletcher did not squander his position of power, and embarked upon a groundbreaking new show themed on tackling the disabled with the power of sign language, which was derisively titled 'Something Special'. Shamelessly appealing to the guilty conscience of the mentally handicapped proved an effective move in solidifying his presence on the channel, and the Teletubbies allotted him greater power and influence on the runnings of the enterprise.

In an abberant display of underestimation, the Teletubbies failed to note Fletchers skill in mollifying people with his disarming voice and welcoming plumpness (much better described as gross obesity, induced by his beloved Jaffa cakes and fizzy pop), and Justin took full advantage of their ignorance.

His blitzkrieg appeal for a revamped version of Something Special, 'Out and About' was reviewed and accepted before the Teletubbies were aware of Fletchers unforeseen avarice. Outraged, they could only smoulder as Fletcher continued his campaign of public relations by taking a contingent of mentally ill children to the seaside to look at some docked boats for fifteen minutes. Due to Fletchers impressive popularity and public demand for more of him in futer broadcasts, the teletubbies could only rebuke him for his selfish altruism and assign spies to set up an espionage network, to ensure no further acts of independance from their strong-minded asset.

Future Possibilities

The Teletubby Exoskeletal combat armour, (Po Version) assembly line model.

With new presenters selected for their scariness, such as a woman with no arms or legs, a basement-dwelling man with un-shaved legs who lives on Half Life and Mountain Dew, and with the new programmes seeping from their writers offices like pus from a sore; The sky's the limit for CBeebies.

The Teletubbies are rumoured to be planning a small scale operation, the overthrowing of British Government, disbanding the BBC and making CBeebies the supreme ruler where everyone must watch their awful, awful shows. They also plan to release the CBeebies bible, which is currently a collection of bad recipes, right-wing communism and propaganda from the national Teletubby party, in collaboration with the Something Special Society.

The CBeebies flotilla of space cruisers now make secret visits to their home planet and return with their prised element, Teltubbia. It it used to build armour, weapons and those weird speaker things that come out of the ground and play a recording of the Teletubby anthem. Inhaling the fumes of this element also induces strange hallucinations which have been reenacted on Teletubby episodes, such their landscape filling with water or a house appearing with Kim-Jong-Il inside of it. CBeebies also import numerous caskets of illegal weaponry, technology and super strength lager from distant galaxies thanks to the Space Pirates, who were rewarded with their own show where they turned innocent child slaves into retarded space buccaneer and tried in vain to get the ships mice a record contract. As soon as their armada reaches the hundred-thousand mark they intend to assault London and take the Queen hostage until the once proud BBC surrenders their headquarters to the corporation.

Resistance

Autopsies show that a possible Teletubby weakness is that their stomachs have not yet converted to digital television.

The British government and BBC are aware of CBeebies plans and are currently researching weaknesses in their defence. The BBC headquarters has been fortified with artillery in the event of invasion. The assault is rumoured to be planned for 2013, and many have already bought shotguns just in case of an early invasion. It is unclear whether our defences can hold against the unending tides of retardation from the corporation of CBeebies but the BBC will not go down without taking at least a few thousand of the fanatical CBeebies followers with them. May whatever God you pray to protect you from their appalling television and impeding assaults and remember; if confronted by a Teletubby, aim for the antenna.

List of current CBeebies shows

• Teletubbies: The trademark show of CBeebies, combining absurdism, computer graphics, a threat to hetrosexuality, talking shower nozzles and rabbits to lessen the world for all of us.
• Tweenies: A show in a pre-school, though the children are about 6ft high. The blue one is a lesbian, the purple one is in Def Leppard, the yellow one is a whore and the orange one is being abused by Max in the doll house.
• Balamory: A stupidly small village where the locals are either gay, disabled in some way or black.
• Tikkabilla: A dyslexic dragon is spoon-fed knowledge by a variety of failed actors.
• Fimbles: A by-product of the weird fluff the Fimbles found behind their dishwasher.
• Postman Pat: A crappy remake of a classic programme. This version has Pat’s family deal with the realisation that there is at least one ginger child in every Greendale family but only one Ginger postman.
• Lunar Jim: A spaceman who looks like a cancer patient sets up his base on the moon, for no tactical reason.
• Big Cook Little Cook: A pair of romantically unstable university students try and run a crap restaurant, accepting thank-you notes as payment. Features a flying spoon.
• Tommy Zoom: An overprotective dog imagines his owner, a boy who probably hits him out of spite as a super-hero who is constantly under threat of being raped by a foul old man called Polluto.
• In The Night Garden: Beyond all equitable description. A total rip off of Teletubbies.
• Something Special: A fat man tries to teach terminally disabled children how to talk in sign language.
• Numberjacks: For some reason a set of numbers live in a sofa and foil the plans of their enemies, which includes a middle-aged spoon (I am NOT making this up).
• Underground Ernie: A shite version of Thomas the Tank engine where some poorly paid worker of an underground rail network captures the heart of everyone his meets, including a train with the persona of Sherlock Holmes.
• Out and About: A version of Something Special where said fat man takes the disabled children he is in charge of to a rainy seaside town and takes them onto a high-speed boat, and terrifies them.
• Mister Maker: A cheap version of SMaRt, except no-ones dead.
• Doodle Do: A terrible actor helps a random set of magic gloves make artwork out of shit.
• Jakers: An old Irish Grandpa pig tells his grandchildren about his childhood, believing that they are actually interested.
• LazyTown: A pornstar and a girl in one of Freddie Mercury's wigs try to make the puppets of Lazy Town do some exercise whilst another pornstar tries to keep them unhealthy by dressing up in a variety of costumes.
• Charlie and Lola: A show where a brother treasures the time he spends with his little sister in the years she has left before she develops a brain tumour and dies.
• Bob the Builder: A builder actually gets on with some work. Employs a autistic crane.
• Me Too!: A rip off of Balamory, except in this show the people in it have crap jobs and children that they didn't want to have; so hand their kids over to a long suffering Granny who has to take care of them night and day whilst their parents get laughed at by people at work.
• Clifford the Big Red Dog: A mentally challenged version of Digsby.
• I Can Cook: A reasonably attractive actor who had dreams of becoming a Bob Dylan-like musician taunts a batch of disabled children by cooking in front of them; knowing all too well that these children are barely allowed plastic cutlery.
• ZingZillas: Four musical Tweenies monkies with distorted facial features are forced to practice music by a deranged baboon while two incredibly stupid stones spoon-feed children numbers by counting coconuts which I am horribly allergic to. Now it's on DVD. Even MORE Dread!!!
• Mighty-Idiots: Mighty Weird! Mighty Stupid! Mighty Idiotic! Mighty remote skills. Features a stupid woman who teaches children to get up off their asses and do work. Some are made to forcefully scale Mount Everest while others go in a speed-boat and jet-ski or parasail. Many never come out of the murky depths.
• Show me Show me: A stupid show featuring toys who the presenters think are alive. They even take them on trips about the town. What a weird sight THAT would be. Little do they know that the toys are planning their revenge...
• Come Outside: BACK TO TH' 90s! I'd rather not. Features a woman with a dog who keeps getting lost. They keep going on adventures in a personalised plane. Get a licence. She always looks at the most useless things like pencils for half an hour. What a waste of time.
• Grandpa in my pocket: an outwardly innocent take of life in a very idyllic middle class seaside town hides a dark truth about child abuse. Grandpa is in and out of Jason's pocket like an interesting stone in an eight year olds trouser pocket, the father is obsessed with his bike shop and the mother is too heavily drugged to stop singing opera at the kitchen sink and realise that her son is a child abuse victim.
• Driver Dan's Story Train: A stupid show featuring storybooks who the Driver Dan think are alive.
• Alphablocks: For some reason a set of letters live in a Alphaland and foil the plans of their enemies.
• Mike The Knight: Be a Knight, do it shite.
• Tree Fu Tom: Tom Thumb goes western in this scrapped idea from Harry Potter. A boy called Tom runs around swingin' a lasso or encouraging children to do magical movements at home to summon a lasso. The show was eventually scrapped when an woman did these movements while watching it with her son. She was arrested under charge of being a witch.
• Mr Bloom's Idiot Nursery : A scouse gardener who has vegetables as freinds, little realising that he is the biggest vegetable of them all . Someone get that L.S.D off him.
• Boj: A total rip off of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!.
• Bing : A mentally challenged version of Dora the Explorer, a somehow more annoying version of Caillou except aimed at toddlers who want to be taught bad grammar.
• Hey Duggee: Beyond all equitable description.
• Numberblocks : Beyond all equitable description, A total rip off of Alphablocks.
• Moon and Me: A total rip off of In The Night Garden.

Summary

Burn you monster.