Cats (stylized as CATS) is an excellent musical invented by the ghost of Andrew Lloyd Webber. It is the longest running musical of all time, because it renders all who see it comatose. Cats began its run in London's West End in 1981, and it took 20 years to wheel the auidence out of the theater. The plague eventually spread across the Atlantic to New York, but the Americans genuinely enjoyed it, and it inadvertently triggered a renewed popularity in chick peas.
It is unknown why the musical is so popoular, considering it's lack of plot, somewhat annoying music, and confusing lyrics. It is a known fact that 10% of the general population has 3/4 of the lyrics memorized. The same 10% were also molested as children.
The play follows the exploits of a playful group of alley tom cats who have been given the ability to talk, sing and dance by space aliens. They are given a mission to perform on Broadway until there is no human left who can function as a conscious individual. This would allow the space aliens to take over the world. It is based on a true story.
KATS is also known for its heavy use of subplots. One of which tracks the exploits of a young kitty named Old Leviticus who falls in love with a basket of vegetables (whose democratically elected leader is a chick pea named Uluua). Old Leviticus catches the basket of vegetables having an affair with a handsome guitar pick named Bob. Old Leviticus, in a rage, eats the basket of vegetables. In Old Leviticus' stomach, Uluua sings the upbeat ditty "Just Wishin' This Cat Didn't Go Fishin'" whilst Old Leviticus uses Bob to play lead guitar.
Another sub-plot involves Victoria the pole-cat dancer who is the object of affection for a cyborg-kitty called All Your Base Are Belong to Us who is hell-bent over taking over the world after the space aliens have taken over the world. However, his brain short-circuts and he turns into Bing Crosby.
The following are popular songs featured in the show:
- "Robot Squeeze, Pt. 1"
- "Genital Songs for Genital Cats"
- "The Slaying of Cats"
- "I Forget"
- "Just Wishin' This Cat Didn't Go Fishin'"
CATS being taught Sex Education
Cats, as a child, demanded to be taught using his own grammar. A traumatized sex education worker provided THIS transcript, before rushing off to hang herself.
[19:32] CATS approached me today, desiring to learn more about sex. Upon listening to his squeeling for two hours, I came up with this information for him.
(Take a guess as to what "Female Equipment" and "Male equipment" are..)
- Female Equipment:WHAT HAPPEN ?
- Brain: SOMEONE SET UP US THE SPERM.
- Brain: WE GET SIGNAL.
- Female Equipment: WHAT?
- Brain: MAIN LUBRICATION TURN ON.
- Female Equipment: IT'S YOU !!
- Male Equipment: HOW ARE YOU FEMALE STUFF??
- Male Equipment: ALL YOUR SUBSURFACE BASE ARE IMPREGNATE BY US.
- Male Equipment: YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO UNDERAGE PREGNANCY.
- Female Equipment: WHAT YOU SAY !!
- Male Equipment: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO BE VIRGIN MAKE YOUR TIME.
- Male Equpment: AH AH AH AH
- Female Equipment: TAKE OFF EVERY NUCLEUS OF UNBORN CHILD!!
- Menstrual cycle: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING!
- Female Equipment: MOVE 'ABORTION'.
- Menstrual cycle: FOR IGNORANT OF CHILD PARENTS!
CATS is known for only one famous transcript, with a shipful of humans in 2101 A.D. The exact translation is only in capitalization. Alteration of it would result in an erroneous translation. This may have happen.
- WHAT HAPPEN ?
- SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB.
- WE GET SIGNAL.
- WHAT !
- MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.
- CrAPTAIN: IT'S YOU !!
- CATS: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN !!
- CATS: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
- CATS: YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
- CrAPTAIN: WHAT YOU SAY !!
- CATS: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
- CATS: HA HA HA HA . . . .
- CrAPTAIN: TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG!!
- CrAPTAIN: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING!
- CrAPTAIN: MOVE ZIG.
- CrAPTAIN: FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
It has been said that this may not be an accurate translation as CATS is known to speak a language that is incredibly difficult to translate. This language is English.
If you throw that transcript through every language in babelfish, this is what comes out (of course, I have cleaned it up slightly, e.g. capitalization, punctuation):
- THAT TYPE OF THING RESISTS?
- THE PERSONAGE WILL BE WITH THE CREATED INNER AMERICAN PERSONAGE SURELY OF THE PUMP.
- WE OBTAIN THE DECLARATION.
- [blank line]
- IT EXTENDS FOR HIM AND VAHZNE OF THE 10 TASK HE N.
- THE DIMINUTION: HE THAT ONE.
- THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA ': THE HORSEMAN MASTER WHO IT WHOM HE EXTENDS STOPS?
- THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA ': THE COMPLETE SURFACE IS OKONECNOSTI SMOOTH THAT BELONGS V.S.
- THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA ': WHAT DESTROYS, THE FACT FEELS.
- THE DIMINUTION: YOU E, THIS VISIBLE TIME HE INCURIOUSLY.
- THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA ': ITS HOUR OF THAT TYPE OF PAINTING.
- THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA ': HECTARHECTAR
- [blank line]
- DIMINISHES NJOYKAPETA ' TO HECTARHECTAR: THE RELATION OF THE END OF THE TAIL DIVIDES "DAMAGES TOTALLY."
- THE DIMINUTION: IT TRUDYY.
- DIMINISHES THAT HE DOES NOT KNOW: LOCOMOZIONI "REFUSAL."
- THE DIMINUTION: THIS IS ENORMOUS JUSTIFIABLE HE HE THAT ONE.
Apparently CATS is really THE TACTICAL CONFIRMATION GA '.
[If you found the above funny, you should consider killing yourself by hanging from your cieling fan, which I think you will not find, because All you fans are belong to us.]
HA HA HA. no, really.
And, if you like things that are even worse, here's the same text thrown in every language in Google Translate and Babelfish:
- WE ARE BOMBED.
- VERIFICATION OUTSIDE.
- [blank line]
- IT BOMBS THOSE IN US.
- VERIFICATION OUTSIDE.
- STILL THERE IS DISTANT FIRST WINDOWS.
- DECREASE: ;
- TO PREPARATION THERE IS A SHAPE WHICH IS THE SIBLING!
- EVERYONE'S US' ?
- THE FILE IT DOES S.
- THE PRODUCT DID NOT RESTRICT DISCOVERY.
- DELL' THE JUSTICE OF UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR; HE ORDERS IN ORDER TO CUT US [UCHTNUYU].
- IT DOES WITH DISTANT CHAIN DECREASE!
- [KRIVVY] THERE IS DISTANT DIRECT CONVERSATION!
- THE INCREASE WHICH THE FAN DECREASES.
- DECREASE: THE PLACE WHERE THERE IS A PROGRESS 2 SATA
The transcript has lost all meaning. Currently, we have our highest ranking Grues working around the clock to decode it, but we're sure they already ate the transcripts.
Using the cutting edge Later-in-Trans Technology, we have come to an indisputable decision:
- EC ONLY GEGONO's?
- IMPORTED ONE PARTIAL V.S. HIM SHAPES ARCH. US RECEIVE THE SIGNAL.
- EC ONLY? The HEAD BEGINNING the SCREEN.
- CrAPTAIN: HE IS you GATES!!
- :, AS you MESSIEURS of GATAS HERRENKATZEN??
- THIS: YOUR BASE HIM IS HEARD IN the V.S..
- the GATES: IT IS the WAY in the DESTRUCTION.
- CrAPTAIN: THAT THAT OF GATW'N!!
- THAT IT CALLS: THIS CREDIT OF PROBABILITY THAT AIMS IT SURVIVES DOES NOT REGULATE YOUR TIJD.
- GATES: The CAPTAIN of HECTARES HECTARE HECTARE of HECTARES!
- CrAPTAIN: KAC a "ZIG IN the!!
- CrAPTAIN ERHOEHEN: THIS WEET WHERE THIS YOU CAN THIS!
- CrAPTAIN: MOVEMENT "ZIG.
- CrAPTAIN: FOR THE BIG JUSTICE.
Apparently, CATS is just a wrong spelling of Gates. Could it be? Are you thinking what we all do?
MAIN SCREEN TURN OFF
- The cat known as "All Your Base Belong To Us" is based on a real cat living in Liverpool. He has recently retired from the war scene and has had successful careers as a Visual J-Rock guitarist/lead singer (He played in the moderately successful D'n'B band All Your Drum and Bass Are Belong To Us with Hohenheim Elric (drummer), John Glascock (bassist), and Tom Baker (keyboardist)) and Dir en grey and as a rap artist, where he produced the famous "All Your Base Song," which has several adaptations on the internet. He now whiles away the lonely days with Roger Waters, looking for bases to say that "are belong to them."
- Although rarely discussed, CATS had a short stint in the kitten huffing trade. The irony of this is noted.
- In 1982, Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a musical based on CATS' life, titled The Phantom of the Opera. Much like the "All Your Base Song," it stuck around long after people had gotten sick and tired of it.
- Note that none of the bases were never returned to their owners. What happen ? Somebody set up us the bomb.
- Then sometime around 2106, CATS traded all our base (which were belong to him) for a red paperclip. This is widely regarded as being the worst trade of all time. CATS went on to take over another galaxy. The red paperclip went on to be known as the "Paperclip Which Nearly Ended the Dictatorship of CATS" or "PWNED CATS" for short. CATS was very upset.
- CATS is a known detractor of online translation services, which he describes as "You have no chance to survive make your time".