Boron

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“Because nobody doesn't like Molten Boron!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Boron

“Bring out the molten boron, love, my spotted dick's getting cold!”

~ Stereotypical British Family Man on his dessert

“Molten boron, its no good on banoffee pie. However nothing is better for covering manholes.”

~ Small mammal, possibly human on its opinion

Boron (chemical symbol: B) is a chemical element that sounds a bit like Moron. Boron was removed from the Periodic Table in 2002 to avoid unwanted media attention (see: paparazzi) shortly after it was voted the public's favourite element, beating the next most popular, gold by over π votes. It used to be found in its natural habitat on the Periodic Table between carbon and opium, but has since relocated to a house in Chelsea.

History[edit | edit source]

Boron was first discovered by the Ancient Assrapeians in 1453, when the then pharaoh Ptolemy was a-wandering in the Vile Delta. It is said that a small basket containing the baby element was uncovered in some bulrushes, but this claim is yet to be verified. He immediately put it to use in a great many stews, cakes and pies.

The element continued to be in mainstream use until it was unfortunately lost somewhere in the 18th century, and went almost unknown for thousands of years, until 1960, when it was accidentally stumbled upon by Albert Einstein, who helped to thrust it back into the limelight it holds today.

Boron was also once responsible for a movement which nearly saw the end of space-time as we know it. Carbon and its allies fought against Boron in what came to be known as The Periodic Table Wars.

More recently, Boron is accepted as sounding like the word "moron" uttered by a person with a severe cold.

Appearance & Chemical Properties[edit | edit source]

Boron in its natural state appears dull and boring (hence the name 'boron'), and has very few properties of worth (see: Jade Goody). Instead, it is the element's marvellous flexibility as a culinary ingredient that has earned its widespread acclaim.

Boron in Food[edit | edit source]

Boron appears in a great many dishes, in fact, it is hard to name any food that does not contain this versatile element to some extent.

A delicious Trifle, lovingly heaped with molten boron.

It features as a main ingredient in:

It can also be used as a sauce for meats such as turkey, beef, Spam and whale.

Molten Boron really makes a meat dish

Other Uses[edit | edit source]

Boron has other, less important uses, e.g.:

  • Stopping Nuclear Reactors asploding
  • Making the elixir of life
  • Making the elixir of death

Boron and Science Lessons[edit | edit source]

Due to its inherent stability, boron can be used in school laboratories as a multiphasic reactionary depressant. In other words, it is used by mean, un-fun chemistry teachers to make science boring.

The applications of boron in a school laboratory environment are flexible and wide-ranging. It can be used to dim the brilliant flare that magnesium makes when it burns; to stabilize the noisy and exciting reactions between volatile chemicals; and to transmute brightly colored liquids into plain water and multicolored crystals into white powder. Stronger dilutions of liquid boron are even capable of rendering hydrochloric acid harmless, and a solid boron prism will refract rainbows back into white light.

Boron & The Media[edit | edit source]

Boron was catapulted into the public eye after its rediscovery by Einstein in 1954. Since then it has appeared on numerous TV shows, including:

Boron making a cameo appearance in the popular TV show Futurama

Possible Health Risks[edit | edit source]

Molten Boron is, fundamentally, a molten semi-metallic element and should under no circumstances be eaten, drunk or inhaled, unless the person in question wishes to experience the possible side effects (including: nausea, impotence, death from bordem) and the pleasant, nutty taste that only Molten Boron can give.

"Because Nobody Doesn't Like Molten Boron!"

Russian scientists believe boron may be highly toxic as nearly all those who helped cover the Chernobyl reactor core with it have since died.

 
Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

 
Alkali
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition
 
Basic
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Snob Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Actinide
 
Awesomnide
 
Unverifide
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium